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Sunday, February 15, 2004

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Valentine's Day was absolutely amazing! K#vin went all out and then some. He cooked me dinner with cheesecake for dessert that was the best I have ever had. He had purple tulips (my favourite) the a single rose for my pillow later on. Candlelight, chocolates and a gift. I started to cry at one point because I have never had a man be so good to me. He just held me. At times it is overwhelming having a man treat me so well and strangely it scares me. I know my need to rescue and co-dependency has attracted me to the abusers in the past and I really believe that the fact I am now with K#vin is evidence of my recovery working. Why is it scary though? Part of me is afraid of this whole thing working and another part is afraid of it not. Why is that?
At any rate I know I am so happy. He is such a wonderful man and I want to be able to give to him what he is giving to me but I feel like I can't ever do this. I no longer think as I have in past relationships that he deserves better than me. Working on loving myself has shown me that I do deserve him and I deserve better than being called a "fucking cunt" or stupid, lazy, bitch, a bad mom, lousy housekeeper etc. I accepted that abuse in the past because I didn't think I deserved better. I know now that is not the case. I do deserve to be treated well.
Had a nap earlier and now I am wide awake. I have not meditated in a while and am feeling the effects of a brain too busy. Will do that before bed. I need to write in my journal too. I keep the really good stuff there! Ha ha Some prayer would be good at this point. I need to ask God for direction and thank him for the great stuff he continues to do daily in my life. I find when I have gratitude life is so much brighter and easier.

More things I Do Not Have the Answer To:
~How long does it take to fall in love?
~When I do fall in love how can I be sure it is real?
~Where are my slippers?
~How is it possible to have 45 socks that don't have a match?
~Why is there 600 pieces of tupperware in my cupboard and not a single lid matches a container?
~Does your heart ever feel so happy you feel like it will beat right out of your chest?
~Are you ever so incredibly happy that you can think of nothing but a deep and profound thanks to God?

I mean this is a big deal for me. My life has been so damn horrible the last few years. I wanted to die when girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis. I was suicidal and it was suggested that I go into the psych ward. (I refused) I cried every day for 2 years and then went numb and was unable to cry for 2 more. I was angry at God. I hated God. I still grieve over this but I am learning to live life on life's terms and not my own. If I wait for my life to get better it wont and I know I have to be happy where I am at and whatever life throws at me. People! Listen to this! Life is a bitch! It is hard. It is painful. It will tear your heart out on some days. You will only find happiness when you realize you need to be happy wherever you are at. My beautiful daughter has a genetic disease that could kill her. I either figured out this mess called life and have it together or I am 100% insane. You decide. (When I say insane I mean mentally ill for real and not just the kind I make joke about me being. Real life mental illness is not a joke because I have been there for real.)


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