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Saturday, March 27, 2004

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Further proof that I have mental problems.

Last night I went to Wal-Mart to replace the broken tiara. After I picked it up (at Wal-Mart) K#vin wanted to go into the mall. This is where my neurosis sets in. I absolutely hate the mall. I get in there and within two minutes I experiencing vertigo and I am nauseated.
Let me digress. The city I live has one of the highest amounts of shopping space per capita then anywhere else in Canada. People come from miles around to shop here as the largest mall has every store imaginable. In the last 10 years I have been in there about 5 times and only from absolute necessity.
Knowing how I freak out and get panic attacks I didn't want to go but up until this point had not discussed this with K#vin. How do you tell someone something as whacked as that? I take his hand like the good girlfriend I am and go anyway. Yes, it happened. I started getting panicky and needing to get out. I try to explain in a light way that I really don't enjoy shopping and we need to leave soon. We enter one store where I feel slightly more comfortable. I can handle the individual stores but the main area is where I don't do well. To make a long story short we left after about 20 minutes. I don't know how I managed it because I came very close to vomiting.
When there I can appear totally normal and nobody knows inside I am feeling like I am being mentally suffocated. There is no indication that I feel like I am spinning in circles and everything is whizzing by but at the same time my visual and auditory senses are in slow motion.
I do not and have not experienced this anywhere else. I can go anywhere and feel comfortable but something about the mall is too much for me. I know the fight or flight feelings I experience are not normal and with some sort of help I could overcome them. But for what? I have no need to go to the mall. The mall in my opinion is a recreational facility and there isn’t anything I “need” there. I can get everything I need elsewhere.
*Sigh* However, I know it is not right that I feel this way. I am going to have to explain to K#vin at some point soon how much the mall scares me but how do I tell him?


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