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Monday, March 22, 2004

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Sleep eludes me once again. I am getting sleepy though. K#vin and I had our first confrontation today. (sob) It wasn't a fight , far from it. It was one of those he hurt my feelings and didn't know it and I was to afraid to tell him lest he think I am insane. (He hasn't figured out yet that I am) Anyway, we worked it out and he is in the next room asleep in my bed and I love him more than ever. I am so happy .
I know all this sounds so pathetically, sickeningly sweet but I have come from so many abusive relationships. The last relationship I was in I was called a f**ing b**ch, c**t, useless, stupid and pathetic regularly. He yelled at me, cheated on me and was doing Coke. He would come here and get drunk and smoke in my house knowing Girl-N has respiratory problems. I would tell him to go outside and he would say I was overreacting. What is the sickest of all is I took it thinking I didn't deserve any better. When did I become that woman? Before meeting him I had very healthy self esteem. I had always wondered why a women take abuse and I see now that it happens so gradually she does not even know it is happening. When I finally realized how deep I was in this dysfunctional relationship my self esteem was so low I felt like nobody would ever want to be with me. (Yes, he told me that too) To make a long story short I left him after he had me up against a wall one night and I had to call the police. He did not hit me but it was physical abuse. I called a woman's shelter the next day and received counseling from them. The odd thing is the guy blamed ME! For the first few days I was calling and apologizing. I e mailed him begging for his forgiveness. After one of the e mails it hit me like a lightening bolt that I had once loved the person I was and now I was groveling for an alcoholic/user and physically abusive man to take me back. I was at my lowest point.
I did eventually say goodbye for good. He has since contacted me saying he loves me and he wants me back. He says he is the one with the problem (Ya, no shit Sherlock) and I didn't do anything wrong but I have not and will not respond.
So yes. You may want to barf when I talk about K#vin but he is someone I have been looking for, for a very long time. He is the first man I have been with that loves me.
I am still embarrassed that I allowed myself to be treated in the way that I did and accept someone like that into my home. The woman's shelter told me that women always blame themselves and I need to realize he is the one with the problem but I just have not arrived there yet. I know he is the one with the problem but I feel like I should have known and been stronger.
I eventually want to work with women that are in abusive relationships. It isn't always the women that walk around with bruises. When we see women that are with the assholes, we often blame them and ask ourselves what is wrong with her and why is she with a man like that? Having been there I understand now.


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