It has been such a long day. I was up early, unable to sleep. I was trying not to think about what today was as I got myself and the kids ready. I did o.k. until I got to the funeral chapel and saw my aunt. I feel so sad for her. Nana lived with her for the last several years and they were very close.
One thing that was great was seeing all my cousins that I had not seen in years. I grew up with all of them. Four of us were all born within one year. We also all lived in the same neighborhood so as small children we played together almost everyday. I remember even in high school our lockers (being in alphabetical order) were all together. Anyway, we haven't all been together for about 13 years and it was so fantastic to all be together again. I wish it could have been under different circumstances though.
Through all of this in has been my rock. I have gone through the last several days doing alright one moment then crying so hard I can't breathe the next. I always feel so guilty crying in front of him because I feel like I am wasting his time. I am not sure where this "issue" came from but vin just continues to encourage and let me cry it out. I am so in love with him and I know Nana would have been happy knowing that I am now happy after so many years of unhappiness.
So tomorrow life is supposed to go on. I don't know how this is possible but I guess it is one day at time. I will be calling my dad, aunts and uncles lots because it is there that I find Nana. I went for a walk this evening and ended up walking in a part of the neighborhood that Nana walked almost everyday. As I walked along I could smell the ocean and a sense of peace flowing over me. I know she was telling me that she loved me and to go on. She was telling me that I will be ok.