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Tuesday, June 01, 2004

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It is one of those days when I have woken up feeling crappy. I feel like life is so damn big and I have no control over any of it.

My ex-husband is threatening me. I have debt that I can't even pay the interest on. I don't know where my kids are going to go to school next year. And of course, I feel guilty for all the stupid decisions I have made over the last few years.

It is one of those days where I feel like I have been running a marathon and I look up to see I haven’t even left the starting line. Life feels too big to deal with today.
I guess a lot of this is after effects (or is it affects?) of Nana dying. I still miss her so much I feel I may become ill at times. I have a picture of her on my computer of her holding me when I was 3 months old. She looks so happy; I look blissfully content. Now that I am writing this I am crying again. I want this feeling to go away and I want to feel that feeling everyone tells me will come. I am told after awhile I will just feel her memory and I won't hurt this much. I don't know. I am always going to want her back and I can't imagine the pain being any less. I know she wouldn't want me to feel so sad but just that thought makes me even more sad. She was one of those people in my life that loved me %100, all the time, no matter what. That type of person does not just come along everyday.

I love more everyday. He has become my rock. I have never relied on someone like this before. At times it scares the shit out of me because if he ever were all of a sudden not be in my life I would crumble. I seriously do not know if it is right to love and depend on a person for so much support. I feel keeping someone at arms length is a good thing so I never have to deal with a loss so great that I can't function. I guess after being married to someone that was so unsupportive I just learned to deal with life this way. I hear of couples that are still in love and I wonder how much they depend on their spouse/partner. I just figure everyone keeps distance in a relationship.

I don't want this though. I want to allow myself to feel the safety of K's arms and not question it. I don't want to have to stand-alone anymore. He is the first man that has offered this to me; no strings attached. He wants me to trust him. The thing is I do trust him. I just can't seem to get past this barrier that I have created to protect myself. Maybe it is time to go back to counselling. (This blog isn't titled My Insanity Written in a Blog for no reason.)

I still have an hour before I have to wake the kids for school so I am going to have a hot bath.


Blogger Katie said...


9:42 a.m.  

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