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Thursday, January 20, 2005

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What is it that triggers grief after several months of the death of a loved one. A few weeks back I was thinking that I had moved on but the last few days have proven that I haven't moved on. It has been 8 months. I know it takes longer than that.

I put the picture of the Sweet Peas up on the top of my blog for her. She always had them in her garden and I would go home with handfuls of them wrapped in wet paper towel and plastic wrap. She was also the type of grandma that you could talk about anything with. Nana was my "cool" grandparent. I could talk with her about s#x! She smoked (the reason she died) and painted her fingernails bright red. In her livingroom was a very old cuckoo clock. When the grandkids came over she would spend the first 30 minutes turning the hands to making it cuckoo. Never did she tire of it and of course neither did we. When I brought my new-born son to her place the first thing she did was make the cuckoo clock cuckoo. It was a favourite of both my kids and she was dubbed "Nana Cuckoo Clock". She was referred to this at her memorial service.
I remember her once telling me that she wanted to try fresh lobster. Picking one out was an easy task but while walking home from the grocery store she could her it crinkling around in the bag. After arriving home she put it in the kitchen sink because she felt bad about keeping it in the bag. The water was put on to boil and the lobster started clanking around inside the kitchen sink. Guilt caused her to flee the kitchen but no matter where she went she could hear that lobster trying to escape the sink. If she could have she would have set it free in the ocean.

I miss her. So much.

After Glow
I'd like the memory of me
to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an after glow
of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve,
to dry before the sun
of happy memories
that I leave when life is done.

She lived up to that and then some...


Blogger wanda said...

Oh Barb, what a sweet, sweet post. I know your Nana would be so proud and happy to know you remember her so wonderfully. She would also be happy to know that she lives on in your memories.
I don't think there's a time limit on grief. I lost my precious Pawpaw when I was 12 (over 35 years ago) and I still have moments when the pain of missing him is so real I can almost touch it.
When you love so deep and so intense it stays with you throughout your life. That's what makes it special.
Wanda ( Just Breathe...)

6:29 p.m.  
Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd said...

Oh, Barbara, the grief doesn't really ever go away, just loses it's edge. My Grampa Joe passed away in 1997. I carry his obit in my wallet to this day. I quit visiting him just about six months before he finally passed away, because his second wife was such a hag. I miss him so much. But he will always be in my heart and my dreams. I try every day to live up to his example and have at least one remembering of him every day. Now that I am talking to my Mom again, (his daughter), it is even easier to miss him and talk about him. The talking helps. Still listening. . .

9:56 p.m.  
Blogger Crazy Single Mom said...

that was beautiful! I can feel the love you had for her in your writing. And thankyou for visiting my blog and sending sych kind thoughts my way.

3:39 p.m.  
Blogger thequeen said...

I just posted a fond memory of my granfather.I loved him so very much and I still think of him all the time he died when I was 9 that was 21 years ago and I still remember like it was yesterday how he told me he loved me the day before he passed and that I woke up crying because he had come to me to tell me that he was going now,my dad came running into my room and I told him Grandpa just died, and he told me not to be ridiclous,just then the phone rang,it was my grandma calling to tell my dad the news.I will forever associate m&m's.licorice and peanuts,and the smell of zippos with my grandpa.She is with you everyday,watching and loving you,talk to her,she will hear......

11:01 p.m.  

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