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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

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A long post.
Crazy days off this week. Wednesday and Sunday. I am trying to run around and do all my household chores before going to my mom's so I don't have to come home to a mess.

I had a bit of a breakdown emotionally yesterday. There are so many thing piling up at once. I just sat and cried. Though things are going well for my mom and her diagnosis, it is still that awful word. cancer. (Those of you who are regular readers know I refuse to capitalize that word.)
I feel too at times that I am not getting enough time in my day to grieve the loss of my Nana. I came across this poem the other day and the grief poured out of me. It is still so very fresh.

If we had one lifetime wish,
And dreams that could come true.
We would pray to God,
With all our hearts,
for yesterday and you.
If teardrops were a stairway
And memories a lane,
we would Walk all the way to Heaven
And bring you back again.
A thousand prayers can't bring you back,
We know because we've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
We know because we've cried.
You left behind our broken hearts
And a million dreams for you.
But we never wanted dreams,
We only wanted you.
Everyone promises me that the memories of all the happy times will come but they haven't yet. I am just numb. When I was first told that my mom had cancer my very first thought was to call Nana. I knew I would receive comfort. But that was not to be.
I am starting to hate change. I see that it brings so much pain. I long for a simpler life. A time like when I was small and we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner on a Sunday. I would follow my beloved grandfather around his garden. He would show me how to pull peas off the stem and which carrots were good to pull. I would get to talk on his HAM radio to the man with the funny voice from far away. Grandma would let me sit the table with her good dishes. And her roast beef was so good. I long for that carefree life. I wish I knew how to get back there. I don't want it to be a memory anymore.
I think the time when everything fell apart for me was when Girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis. A part of me died that day. That part of me has not come back. I didn't have it in me to be the parent of a "special needs" child. (I HATE those words.) I am not a strong woman. I thought I ws too emotional and weak to deal with it. I still think I am. People in their good intentions told me that God had chosen me to be her mom because she needed a mom like me. I became angry at God. What had my beautiful daughter done to deserve this? Was it something I had done? Was this Karma? Was this payback for something bad I had done? I stopped praying. I stopped going to church. I received no comfort there. Christians told me that this happened because I had sin in my life and that is why she was born that way. A group even came to my home to cast demons out of me. It was my lowest point.
I have started praying again but I feel like God is not listening because of the sin I have in my life. I feel so scared and empty at times. Then I tell myself that I am not the only one who has dealt with garbage in her life. I need to suck it up and just shut the fuck up. I need to stop being such a baby. I need to get strong. But how? I have no time to focus on my own needs. This blog is my only outlet.
Anyway, I am not sure where all this came from. I certainly did not mean for all this to come out when I sat here to post.
Daily YAY!
I will let you know

10 Comments:

Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

Well I don't know much about religion (I am a Christian), but I sure would not want to be part of a group that thinks that way.

Shit happens and what you are going though is SHITTY! Christian or not.

Get your strenght where you can, if it is prayer than believe, if it is a friend then lean on them, if it is writing... then write till you can not write anymore!

Allow yourself to be you! I am so sorry you are going through this. I can not imagine what I would be doing if this was my mother.... but one thing I know for sure is I would be hurting just like you!

Andrea

4:51 PM  
Blogger Jezzy said...

Oh Barbara! *hugs*

You use your blog well. It's good to let all those feelings out and share them with someone, anyone!

8:15 PM  
Blogger Peaches said...

Barbara,
I'm going on no sleep within a 2 day period so if this makes no sense, I'm really sorry but you know me well enough to know that I mean well. I know that our spiritual beliefs are similiar and I know and remember the talks we've had before. In some ways, I can relate to your feelings. Maybe not your situation but I have asked myself so many times, WHY GOD are you not ANSWERING ME? WHY GOD are you NOT HEARING ME? It's so frustrating. And I am so human. I want what I want now, in my time. I once read this passage and for me it was true. It's written by Oswald Chambers. "If I am united with Jesus Christ, I hear God all the time through the devotion of hearing." "A flower, a tree, or a servant of God may convey God's message to me". SOUNDS simple. But I forget that I'm a child of God - not an adult of God's. I'm not child-like when it come to God and this hinders my hearing Him. Sometimes, God doesn't give me glorious visions or direct answers, sometimes, He tells me to do one simple thing such as make my bed. I obey because I know that I'm in the middle of a chapter in my life. However, God is the author and He knows the ending. I do not. I must obey Him and be child-like when coming to Him for He knows what's on the next page of the book and I only know what I've read. It angers me what other Christians have said to you but dropping the christian label, it would still anger me. Christians, like athiests, agnostics, Buddahists, whatever.....are only people - with opinions. I have two special needs children. And they ARE special. And I KNOW that they were born that way b/c they were just born that way. I KNOW that God chose ME to be their mother. He KNEW I could handle it. He KNEW that I was PERFECT for them. He KNEW that they were perfect for me. Sure, sometimes I do blame myself and wonder what it was that I did to make them this way? In my spirit, I know that I did nothing wrong. This is just the way it worked out. For every negative thing that I deal with and come through and do what I know in my heart is right - God blesses me ten-fold. I often wonder where I would be without my children. Truth be known, I'd be dead. AND I KNOW THAT WITH EVERY FIBER in my being, I was just about there. For the parts of me that have died Barbara, there has been re-growth. It just took me awhile to see it. The same has happened to you too, right now, it's just hard to see but even I have seen glimpses of it. Read through some of your older journal entries. You may be surprised what you find. You said you're not a strong woman, oh honey, YES you ARE. Are you emotional? YES. WHAT MOTHER WOULDN'T BE? Are you weak? NO. I can see it, others can see it. Oh if you only knew, if you only knew how many woman wouldn't be able to do HALF of what you do on a daily basis. Just so you know, I look up to you and although I may not have voiced it, you helped and STILL give me hope and courage when I am facing challenges with MY children. You don't need to get "strong" - you're already there. You are just human and an overwhelmed one at that. I'd be in one of those purty little white suits with buckles on it sitting in a padded room if I had to deal with what you've had to deal with in such a short amount of time. YOU ARE HUMAN. It's okay to have these feelings. It's okay to feel how you feel. You feel what you feel and know that this "feeling" is not going to last forever. It WON'T. Never say you need to suck it up and shut up. Vent and get it out - don't get over it, get THROUGH IT. Let others help you - I truly care about you and you're not alone. I know others here care for you too and are willing to help you out in any way they can. And sure, like you said, you're not the only one that has dealt with garbage in their life but what makes you think you don't have the right to bitch and vent - like everyone else? YOU DO have that right and girl, utilize it ALL you want. God KNOWS I do! Lol..... It helps. I'll close with this b/c this comment should have been an email instead and I'm sorry that I took up all this space - go easy on me, I've had no sleep - lol...I read another passage in the Oswald Chambers book where He says When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else once you are back in the light. After every time of darkness, we should experience a mixture of delight and humilation. If there is only delight, I question whether we have really heard God at all. We should experience delight for having heard God speak, but mostly humiliation for having taken so long to hear Him! Then we will exclaim, "How slow I have been to listen and understand what God has been telling me!" And yet God has been saying it for days and even weeks. But once you hear Him, He gives you the gift of humiliation, which brings a softness of heart - a gift that will always cause you to listen to God NOW. So - yeh, out of the mouth of Nikki and Oswald. Sorry for the novel. I couldn't shut up - I have issues with that. I will leave now - but Barbara, for the record, you're a hell of a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there and KNOW that people love you and are here for you and that God DOES hear you.......hugs, Nikki

9:47 PM  
Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd said...

Barbara,
Wow, what Nikki said.....
No that's the easy comment. God does hear you... he is listening, but the doing is up to you still. You are so strong, brave and I know you need a hand once in a while. We are here as your emotional pillars, you must have faith. We love you Barbara.

4:42 AM  
Blogger David said...

Yes those happy memories will come. And the loss will become more tolerable. The pain never goes away and I don't think it should.

Those kinds of days you experienced are only natural. But of course, men can't cry.

4:48 AM  
Blogger David said...

Yes those happy memories will come. And the loss will become more tolerable. The pain never goes away and I don't think it should.

Those kinds of days you experienced are only natural. But of course, men can't cry.

4:48 AM  
Blogger deni said...

I agree 100% with what Peaches said.

You are strong, but when you feel weak, lean on Him, He will lend you His strength, and even when you think He is not listening, He is.

He is refining you, through our trials we grow stronger.

I am appalled that anyone would tell you that your child was born like that because of sin. We all have sin, and none of us are perfect, it is NOT your doing. But God did choose you to be a mother to this child, and for very good reason which you may not see now, but rest assured that He knows what He is doing.

God Bless you!!!

5:10 AM  
Blogger Stuart said...

LONG COMMENT BUT PLEASE READ
Barbara
I have been a follower of Jesus for many years & I HATE what your church friends have said and done to you.
~"What had my beautiful daughter done to deserve this?" Nothing,she does not "deserve" it.
~"Was it something I had done?" (karma, payback) No, God would not do that.
"I stopped going to church. I received no comfort there." This was their fault, not yours.
"Christians told me that this happened because I had sin in my life and that is why she was born that way." This is a cruel lie.
"A group even came to my home to cast demons out of me." But there were none to cast out!
"I have started praying again but I feel like God is not listening because of the sin I have in my life." It is my belief that God is listening to you and that he will clear away your sins--that's why Jesus came. Listen to what Jesus says to you:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
(Matthew's Gospel 11:28-30)
I would love to hear from you
Stuart
stuartoakes@lycos.com

9:06 AM  
Blogger Stuart said...

LONG COMMENT BUT PLEASE READ
Barbara
I have been a follower of Jesus for many years & I HATE what your church friends have said and done to you.
~"What had my beautiful daughter done to deserve this?" Nothing,she does not "deserve" it.
~"Was it something I had done?" (karma, payback) No, God would not do that.
"I stopped going to church. I received no comfort there." This was their fault, not yours.
"Christians told me that this happened because I had sin in my life and that is why she was born that way." This is a cruel lie.
"A group even came to my home to cast demons out of me." But there were none to cast out!
"I have started praying again but I feel like God is not listening because of the sin I have in my life." It is my belief that God is listening to you and that he will clear away your sins--that's why Jesus came. Listen to what Jesus says to you:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
(Matthew's Gospel 11:28-30)
I would love to hear from you
Stuart
stuartoakes@lycos.com

9:12 AM  
Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

Wow Stuart and Nikki they know there stuff!

Just checking in on you.

Andrea

2:37 PM  

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