A long post.

Crazy days off this week. Wednesday and Sunday. I am trying to run around and do all my household chores before going to my mom's so I don't have to come home to a mess.

I had a bit of a breakdown emotionally yesterday. There are so many thing piling up at once. I just sat and cried. Though things are going well for my mom and her diagnosis, it is still that awful word. cancer. (Those of you who are regular readers know I refuse to capitalize that word.)

I feel too at times that I am not getting enough time in my day to grieve the loss of my Nana. I came across this poem the other day and the grief poured out of me. It is still so very fresh.

If we had one lifetime wish,

And dreams that could come true.

We would pray to God,

With all our hearts,

for yesterday and you.

If teardrops were a stairway

And memories a lane,

we would Walk all the way to Heaven

And bring you back again.

A thousand prayers can't bring you back,

We know because we've tried.

And neither will a million tears,

We know because we've cried.

You left behind our broken hearts

And a million dreams for you.

But we never wanted dreams,

We only wanted you.

Everyone promises me that the memories of all the happy times will come but they haven't yet. I am just numb. When I was first told that my mom had cancer my very first thought was to call Nana. I knew I would receive comfort. But that was not to be.

I am starting to hate change. I see that it brings so much pain. I long for a simpler life. A time like when I was small and we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner on a Sunday. I would follow my beloved grandfather around his garden. He would show me how to pull peas off the stem and which carrots were good to pull. I would get to talk on his HAM radio to the man with the funny voice from far away. Grandma would let me sit the table with her good dishes. And her roast beef was so good. I long for that carefree life. I wish I knew how to get back there. I don't want it to be a memory anymore.

I think the time when everything fell apart for me was when Girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis. A part of me died that day. That part of me has not come back. I didn't have it in me to be the parent of a "special needs" child. (I HATE those words.) I am not a strong woman. I thought I ws too emotional and weak to deal with it. I still think I am. People in their good intentions told me that God had chosen me to be her mom because she needed a mom like me. I became angry at God. What had my beautiful daughter done to deserve this? Was it something I had done? Was this Karma? Was this payback for something bad I had done? I stopped praying. I stopped going to church. I received no comfort there. Christians told me that this happened because I had sin in my life and that is why she was born that way. A group even came to my home to cast demons out of me. It was my lowest point.

I have started praying again but I feel like God is not listening because of the sin I have in my life. I feel so scared and empty at times. Then I tell myself that I am not the only one who has dealt with garbage in her life. I need to suck it up and just shut the fuck up. I need to stop being such a baby. I need to get strong. But how? I have no time to focus on my own needs. This blog is my only outlet.

Anyway, I am not sure where all this came from. I certainly did not mean for all this to come out when I sat here to post.

Daily YAY!

I will let you know