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Friday, March 18, 2005

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A Poem by Me
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Work. Shmerk.
My boss is a jerk.
~
by Barbara
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What kind of boss gives an employee Wednesday and Sunday off? Am I expected to do well when I have such ridiculous days off? A good part of my job is filing. It is hard to put things in alphabetical or numerical order when one is tired. Today I had to go through a pile of papers at least a foot high and catergorize them. Near the end I knew I was not sorting them to the correct piles but I didn't care. In the end I just left them on my desk. I will sort them correctly tomorrow. And on Monday there will be more crap to file. The crazy thing is I really do like what I do. I love the clients for the most part. I like filing. I like things that are methodical because I know I can't screw it up. I just want two days off in a row!
My mom called me and she was laughing like a crazy woman. I asked her what was so funny and she said, "Do you want to know what I am doing right now?" (more laughter) "I am pulling my hair out by the handful and throwing it in the garbage!" She continues to laugh but something inside me hurt. I couldn't laugh. I mean it's my mom. She has always had such nice thick curly hair. I have never seen my mom with short hair. Not once. I am scared to go there and see her bald. I know it is a small price to pay for wellness and healing. I just don't feel grateful. I feel vulnerable and frightened. This whole experience has made me scared to death. I feel like a child and all I want is my mama. I want to help her and I can't. I hate cancer. It is so fucking ruthless and insidious. I know I always say that I will not capitalize the word cancer because I don't want to give it power. How I really feel is like I am cowering under this evil monster that is glaring down at me and I am small and helpless. I feel like I am waiting for it to strike at me via my mom.
I have hated my life the last few weeks. So many of you have said that I am strong but in reality I sit here at my computer each night as I post and cry. I feel like a fake; a fraud! If you only could see my heart. I feel like I have lied to each of you in a way. That is so not my intention. I just know I am not strong. I'm not.
Sometimes the Daily Yay! is very difficult. However today's Daily Yay! is the many fantastic people I work with. The lady who has her desk beside mine who is always there to listen and answer my millions of questions. The guy that works waaaaaay on the other side of the building that always tries to scare me and always greets me with a "Helooooooooo" . The guy who thinks it is funny as hell when he comes in and I say "Oh, it's only you". (He steals my pens too. I know it is him!) The guy that walks around saying things purposely that make me laugh my ass off. The other dude that always stops at my desk to chat. The lady upstairs that cried with me when I told her my mom had cancer. The manager that provides me with my daily carb fix by having candy at her desk. (She put away the St. Patrick's Day candy today and next week it will be chocolate!) There are other people in other offices that I talk to almost daily that always have a moment to chat. Some of these people I have never met! There are more. They are the reason I can continue to get up and go to work each day. YAY!

7 Comments:

Blogger deni said...

When my mom had cancer, I felt that same exact way, it is a hard thing to handle, because you feel like you have to battle this insidious ugly monster and don't have the weapons to fight it with. It's ok to cry, and it's even ok to feel weak, you will find the strength you need to get through.

As for your employer, my ex employer always gave us split days off, her philosophy was that if you had two days off in a row you were 'no good' when you came back to work. But I never felt rested, because I would spend those days catching up on house work and errands.

4:25 a.m.  
Anonymous Jaded Angel said...

I'd have to say that in all actuality, you're stronger than you realize. Nobody ever said that being strong meant never crying or being scared. As hard as this has been for you, you still somehow manage to get through one day after another. You still go to work everyday. There are a LOT of people who would just shut down under these circumstances. You may not feel strong, but you are, and your family is exceptionally fortunate to have you.

8:00 a.m.  
Blogger Stuart said...

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP.
Barbara,
You say,
"I feel like a fake; a fraud!...I feel like I have lied to each of you in a way." No. You are open & honest.
"I just know I am not strong. I'm not." Only you really know whether you are strong or not & so I accept what you say.
BUT you can get strength. (I know from experience of suffering that it works & so does Carol, my wife.)
Do you remember the promise?--
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:29)
One of the ways He does this is by lightening the load for us. Do you remember the offer and who made it?--
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)
With prayers,
Stuart
stuartoakes@lycos.com

2:13 p.m.  
Blogger Crazy Single Mom said...

Hi, I just wanted to say wanted to say I like your blog, and I do get your messages, it goes into my email for some reason. I have haloscan for messages, and if you just click on comments while holding down the ctrl button you should be able to comment on my blog. I appreciate you stopping by, and I hope the comments work for you from now on :-)

3:00 p.m.  
Blogger thequeen said...

There is a great strength in the honesty of tears cried for a loved one.

3:12 p.m.  
Blogger Darlene said...

I can only imagine a glimpse of your pain. My mother loves her hair, and for as long as I can remember, she is constantly perming, cutting and curling it. I would be pain stricken to know my parents are suffering. I will pray for you and your mom if you like.

6:09 p.m.  
Blogger wanda said...

So, what your saying here is you aren't this big brave strong lady who can turn the world on with her smile?
Well geesh, now that just makes me like you even more. Cause now I know your just like me. Muddling along doing the best you can, one day (sometimes one hour) at a time.
When I worked outside the house I always had Sunday's and Monday's off. Of course our business was closed on Sunday so everybody had Sunday. I loved having a two day weekend. Now I only work part time so my days off are as many as my days on.

12:29 p.m.  

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