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Sunday, April 03, 2005

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I woke up this morning feeling totally disconnected with myself. Actually I have felt this way over the last few days. I have been drowning. I have slipped into a depression but I am not sure why. If I know perhaps I would know which way was out.

So many things have piled up and I don't know where to begin. My mom and a cancer diagnosis seems surreal. The student loan people have called me at least twice a day for the last year. I am a single mom making $9.50 an hour. I still grieve so desperately for my Nana. Honestly, I feel like I have been thrown into a world where I must be an adult and I don't know how.

I am going through a divorce. Something I rarely talk about here. My ex has said unless I pay him $5, 000 in cash he will not sign any legal papers. He says I should pay his student loan off as well as $1, 200 that he was forced to pay by the Canadian government for child support. Unless I pay him this money he will force me into to sell my home. I try hard not to hate him because know it is not what God would want. I have never not allowed him to see the kids. In fact he makes the schedule each month of when and how much he will see them. He has not worked in close to a year and says he can't afford to feed the kids so they either eat before they go or after they come home from his place or I send their dinner along. I have never done a single thing in spite and yet he still treats me like shit. I cannot afford a lawyer and there isn't any legal-aide in British Columbia.

My boss is a bitch. She yells and belittles me in front of clients and co-workers.

Is this all just underlying stress from everything going on with my mom? Is life really as shitty as it feels tonight or do I just have PMS.


Blogger thequeen said...

I think you may be expierencing situational depression and I would like to encourage you to speak with your physician about it.
Other then that I am sending you much love, positive energy and lots of (((((hugs))))

10:16 p.m.  
Blogger deni said...

You have a lot on your plate right now, depression isn't a surprising result at all.

I agree with Queen, talk to your doctor, or even with your Minister. Sometimes it helps just to talk to someone.

And I think it's really crappy what your ex is putting you through.

5:29 a.m.  
Blogger lamberrymer said...

aww i'm so sorry to hear about all of this but i'm glad youo're writing & getting it out. i agree with thequeen & dl, with everything that you have going on right now - it would be very hard to be stress free and 100% happy.

just believe that if you weather this storm - it will get better!

8:54 a.m.  
Blogger David said...

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. The fact that you are depressed surprises me not. Maybe it would do you good to talk to a professional.

Keep your chin up, there are people here to support you as best as they can.

9:18 a.m.  
Blogger kelly said...

This seems like so much for one person to bear. I hope there is a light at the end of your tunnel soon. I'm sending good thoughts to a good person.


11:36 a.m.  
Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

So, you and I are near each other. Perhaps I can help.... are you in the Lower Mainland?

If there is a way I can help (babysitting, a friend to talk to, or even help you change jobs) let me know. I would be more than happy to help!


3:04 p.m.  
Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd said...


They all said the good stuff. Seek pro-help luv. AND take up Andrea's offer if she is close enough. And that EX, I got one too, just about as bad. Keep on being the good guy in that battle as it makes for good karma.

4:46 p.m.  
Blogger Jezzy said...

You express yourself well, Barbara.

Life is a bit shitty for you at the moment and it's understandable why you feel deeply depressed.

But I think it's great that you have so much support here. You're letting others identify with you and share some of the burden.

Here's a hug, my dear.

6:04 p.m.  
Blogger Crazy Single Mom said...

I'd say that you are experiencing more than have a lot on your plate right now, and depression is most definately a side affect of it. I hope you can talk to somebody to help you. As for your soon to be ex...isn't there someone who can help you legally? Because what he is doing is so not right and not ethical!!! Hugs to you, and thankyou for your nice comment to my situation, it was truly appreciated!

7:05 p.m.  
Blogger Vickie said...

Oh sweet Barbara... {{{{HUGS}}}}

You have a lot going on and it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed and down.

Lots of good advice has been given already.

Talk. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your minister. Talk to your friends. Pray. Cry. Hug. Sing. Dance. Do whatever it takes to find peace/release for yourself. The storm will eventually pass and all will be well. But in the meantime, lean on people. They are very willing to share their strength...

Sending more hugs. And I'm here if you need to talk.

12:34 p.m.  
Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

Come on let me see if I can help.....

8:22 p.m.  
Blogger Keri said...

crazy single mom is SO right about the ex. What he is doing is totally unethical and not right. You need someone to stand up for your legal rights. You can't let him bully you. Write him a letter and cc a lawyer. You can usually get a free consult with an attorney to at least discuss your situation. Then you can cc them on the letter and put some fear into him. What a jerk.

5:56 p.m.  

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