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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

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I am doing ok. I stayed home from work yesterday because I either had the flu or food poisoning. (My mom and dad think it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome.) Sorry in advance for the detail but I had the worse diarrhea of my life. I was up about 30 times in an 8 hour period. It was gross. By morning I could barely stand. I didn't even take my kids to school! (Bad Mom) I was quite dehydrated by this time and my beautiful kids made me cup after cup of Gatorade and brought me toast. I was back at work today and I am thankful today was a teaching day because I had no energy to do anything.

I had a really great talk with my mom. I know in every way I should be supporting her and not adding at all to her stress. The first person I always call within a minute of anything upsetting happening is my mom. Sometimes I have called and cried at the other end while she just listened and told me she loved me. Because she has been so sick I didn't call her when Kn broke up with me. I waited until the next evening and just cried my heart out. I then told her how much I missed HER. I wanted my mommy. You know in the movie "Babe" when Babe lies down crying and saying "I want my mom"? That is how I have been feeling. It seems so childish of me. After all I am 34 and a mom myself but I need her as my Mommy.

Boyfriend issue. Don't really know what to say. I am hurt because he has always been crazy about the kids. He knew and wanted from the beginning the package deal. It was very all of a sudden that he decided that he preferred the single life. It is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it? He wants to see more of me so he decides that not seeing me at all is the solution. I have not told the kids yet because frankly I have no idea what to say to them. The kids love him. What do I say to them without hurting them? isn't going to come around anymore because of you even though he loves you. Any suggestions?

I will tell you one thing and single women pay heed. This may be the best advice you ever receive relationship wise. My mom told me after my marriage ended to never give yourself to anyone 100%. Always leave a part left that is all you and just for you. She said this because when my marriage ended I was devastated and (I felt) had nothing. She never wanted me to be in that space again. That space where you need to find out who you are because you gave 100& to your partner. With I did keep a part of me to myself so that is why I can cope and move on. Yes, it hurts and I am lonely. I feel like I never want to be in a relationship again. However, I don't feel lost because I kept the most important person in the centre of the relationship. Me

Thank you to everyone of you for your comments. I wish I could thank you all in person. What a lovely group of people you all are. I am blessed for having every single on of you as a part of my life. If I touch your life in even a small fraction as you have touched mine I am doubly blessed.

I am off to bed now. I am going to snuggle with my kids and let them know how great they are.


Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd said...

oh, don't say that, not that you would, you care for them too much...

I'd tell them that Kevin is taking a break, because he is a little bit (STUPID) (I don't know how to do that strike out thing) confused.... and who knows he may change his mind and beg to come back, not that you should give him the time of day. I totally agree with your mom too. I am so there with you.

Love ya Barbara, be strong....keep smilin' we love you very much !

8:53 p.m.  
Blogger Catherine said...


I'm still out here thinking about you.

You are so strong, you inspire me.

9:45 p.m.  
Blogger thequeen said...

Barbara you are indeed doubly blessed and so Am I for knowing you here in blogger world. You have definatley touched my life, my heart and my soul.

12:43 a.m.  
Blogger ddddddddddddddddddddd said...

Me again, back to give you some more hugs and love.

5:05 a.m.  
Blogger deni said...

Barbara, your mother is a wise woman.

I don't know what you should tell your kids, but whatever you choose to do, I am sure that you will do what's best for them.


5:55 a.m.  
Blogger David said...

So, so sorry for the difficult time you are going through. What to tell the kids - the truth. They deserve nothing less as difficult as that might be.

Special prayer just for you.

6:23 a.m.  
Blogger Keri said...

Oy. It's hard to know what to tell the kids, sweetie. I had to go through that with my own daughter when her biological father decided he was finished with fatherhood. and it was never easy to explain. Children really do need to come with instruction manuals.

They will be hurt no matter what you tell them because they will miss him and they won't understand and they will hurt for you in addition. There is no easy answer.

I'll be praying for you. And never feel bad for leaning on Mom. She would want you to regardless of what she is going through. She's your mommy!!!

6:54 a.m.  
Blogger wanda said...

I too learned the hard way about giving too much of my heart. It's not only true in romantic relationships.
I would simply tell the kids that Kevin decided he was better suited for the single life. Which is the truth. Don't let them think he is or may be coming back. That will only give them false hope.
They are going to be hurt no matter what you say, but that is part of life. Fortunately kids are resilient and tend to take things at face value.
Too bad our hearts can't be like our stomach's and diarrhea away all that nasty heartache like it was a 24 hour virus.

1:06 p.m.  
Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

I am so glad you could connect with your mommy! A good Mom is hard to come by.

With the kids... I have no idea what you should say. Most important protect them from getting hurt more!

I am married and have always kept a part of me to me.... however at times it was a strange feeling to be doing it. Now I find it harder and harder to keep it..... seems I maybe letting go off all of me and giving it to all of them. I do not know?

4:38 p.m.  
Blogger Faith said...

I awful for you all. I know it hurts...even if you hold out a part of yourself, you still feel betrayed. You just can't help it. I'm so sorry the whole thing frightened him away...sorry for him, because he'll be missing out on a tremendous family. And you WILL move on and find that certain someone who you WON'T have to hold anything back from.

And as for wanting your mommy? Don't we all! And isn't it wonderful when they can be there for us, no matter how old we are.

6:36 p.m.  
Blogger A~ said...

This is based on my own experience and you can take it or leave it if you so choose. I don't think you should tell the kids that he is just 'taking a break.' I have been down this road with my own kids and an ex that wasn't their father. Yes, it hurt us all. It devastated me to explain to my sons that this guy was gone from me, AND them. But I would not waffle. I could not put my kids through heartbreak, twice.
Now, I keep my relationships 100% separate from my kids. Is that living in a bubble? Absolutely. Is it necessary? I surely think so. You can't trust anyone with the hearts of your babies. Just my two cents.

3:13 p.m.  

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