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Friday, August 26, 2005

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Wondering away from myself. When I started this blog I never even new about the comments. I had been writing a journal for a couple years and found blogger. I decided to change my journal to this forum. In the beginning I wrote about what I wanted. It was my outlet and I never wrote for my readers. Somewhere along the way it changed and I started writing knowing there were people out there reading my thoughts and feelings so I changed my writing to suit. I wish I hadn't because writing is therapy for me. Don't get me wrong. Most of you have been there for some really tough moments the last year and half and I consider some of you to be friends and kindred spirits. It is just somewhere I started getting guarded. When my posts started getting fewer and farther between the last 2 months it was because I felt I shouldn't be writing about how depressed I have been feeling.
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So what has really been going on these last 2 months? Here is where I lose my readers but I just don't care anymore because I need to write.
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I live in a daily fear that I am going to lose my mom. I can't even visit her anymore. I feel like if I stay away it won't hurt as much when she dies. And I know the absurdity of these thoughts. I know it won't hurt less. It is going to be the worst pain I have ever known but I still can't bring myself to go see her. And I miss her so fucking much. I just want my mom back! And I don't want to hear shit about God knowing what is best and His plan. I can't deal with it. And then I feel like a real shit because I know she needs me. I just can't seem to bring myself to be an adult in this situation. I want her to take care of me! I can't believe how selfish my thoughts and feelings are. I am ashamed of myself.
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I am also tired of being the single parent. My kids go to a school where all the parents are very well off and are all still together. I am a single mom struggling to make it. Most of these families aren't even dual-income! They just have a dad that makes a shit load of money while the mom stays at home. I can't relate to these people. They own these beautiful enormous homes while I live in my shitty condo with stained carpets.
Along with the single parent is the never-ending fatigue. I am always so tired. My place is always messy because I don't have the time to clean it. If I do have the time I don't have the energy. It is also lonely at times. Actually it is lonely a lot of the time.
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And to top it all off I have been having feelings for guy I work with. What's wrong with that? He is married. He is unhappily married but married is still fucking married! I will say he was the one that pursued me but I followed the dangling carrot willingly. He and I have a great connection. We have so much fun together and I know if...but he is fucking married! And I am a freaking loser for flirting with and having feelings of a married man. What kind of woman have I become? He still calls me and wants to get together and I don't answer the phone. I have asked him not to call. I have told him I can't "go there" with him but I think about him all the time.
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So there ya have it folks. My reasons for not posting much the last 2 months.

17 Comments:

Blogger thequeen said...

You are not alone in how you feel.
And you should absolutely write what ever you want! For the exact reasons you named. You started your blog for you. Not for anyone else. I know your frustration with being a single parent. I am right there with you and I feel helpless to be as good a parent as someone who has a husband or mate. But its silly really because I am the best parent for my kids and I know it. I am sure you have gotten just as good at playing both roles as I have. As for not seeing your mom. I remember when my Grandma was dying. I didn't want to see her at all. I refused. I didn't want to remember her as ill. And I don't! She understood and loved me still and knew that I adored her. I have never regretted making the choice to not see her. When I think of my beautiful grandma I remember someone with strength and vitality. with a mishievious sparkle in her eye and and a rye sense of humor. No one can tell you how to deal with your moms illness. No one can tell you how to feel about it. You are YOU, and they are THEY. Don't feel guilty. And of course you need your mom. She has always beent there for you. She has always been the strong one with the answers. I can't blame you at all for wanting to see her that way forever.
As for the guy at work. Well we really can't help who we are attracted to or who we have a connection with. But we can control what we do about it. I know it hurts and it sucks but I believe you made the right choice telling him not to call anymore. maybe after things cool off a bit you can get back to being friends again. (((((((hugs))))))

10:48 AM  
Blogger deni said...

I am here for you, your feelings are understandable. As for feeling fatigued that is a huge symptom of depression. My mom died from cancer, so I know what you are going through. It's one of the toughest things someone can go through.

You are doing the right thing as far as that guy is concerned. It's tough to fight those feelings though.

Write what you need to write, that's what this blog is for. It's for you.

*hugs*

1:42 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

I'm lousy with advice, I just listen and then hug. If I lived near you, I would spend a day helping you clean your house and sitting with you through the phone ringing, trying to ignore it.

If it helps....I have stained carpets too.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Jezzy said...

Barbara you don't lose your readers by being yourself. I do understand about feeling guarded - I feel that way too when I think I expose too much of myself online. It's tricky. But letting all of this out makes me really feel for you and connect with you more.

First of all, I totally understand what you're saying about your mother - why you'd wish to pull back so that you don't feel as much. Wanting to be the kid again and wanting her to be the parent who takes care of you. It's scary. No one wants to have to deal with that. It's so sad and so hard to cope with.

Okay - the married man. Don't think we don't understand. Don't think some of us haven't been in that position. Don't think we don't know how you feel - how much that hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts! How torn you feel inside. How good and how bad it is. Feeling connected with someone is so amazing - but feeling like a bad, bad person for feeling all those feelings is not. And then thinking that you don't need all that and that you can stop but still thinking about him. You're not a loser, hon. You're human.

*sigh*

I don't even have any useful advice except to say that it's the choices we make that define who we are - not the situations that we find ourselves in.

But anyway, all I can say is, I understand. x

10:17 PM  
Anonymous momof2 said...

I'd be right in there with adrienne, if I were nearby... I'd go through your house with a fine toothed comb, because everyone needs this kind of help sometimes. I've been there. My best friend once came and plowed through my kids' room for me. I felt so ashamed that she felt she had to do that; but then I realized she was throwing me a lifeline. Sometimes that's all you need to jumpstart things.
I pray that you find some sort of physical and emotional support.
Doesn't it seem that as long as we're surrounded by the love of friends, we don't need a man around to obsess over? Just something your post made me think about....
I think you're doing the right thing, avoiding mister co-worker's calls. It definitely sounds like a no-brainer, and you know you deserve better than that, anyway! There's one out there, somewhere, for you... a single one.. without attachments! You'll find him when you least expect it.
Believe me, I understand what being lonely is. I've not had a man in my bed in four years. I've only gone on a handful of dates during the past 3. I just keep telling myself there's time for that later.

11:15 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Like thequeen said you started this blog for you nobody else. What you write in here is your feelings and your own. I am going through the same shit you are. Only my daughter doens't go to a well-to-do school most of the people are single parents like myself, yes there are the occasional "happy" couple that strolls in and makes you feel like shit, but hey who cares. My kids are happy and healthy and to me that is all that matters. When my father was sick and in the hospital dying I couldnt' go see him either becasue I didn't want to remember dad that way I wanted to remember the times we had and all the things dad and I did together to be my last memory of him. Don't feel guilty your human. Everyone deals with illness in his or her own way and nobody can tell you how to feel.
Too bad you and I didnt' live closer together we could go and have a girls night out and stick our thumbs on the end of our noses and wiggle our fingers at all the self important idiots out there and say fuck you.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

You should never feel the need to hold back when writing, this is YOUR blog, if someone doesn’t like what you write… nobody is forcing them to read. Most of us would read your blog no matter what you where posting about. I tend to find, that my blog is a great reminder of the fact that other people feel the way I do. It doesn’t matter how horrible I think my feelings are, someone out there has been through it too, and it can be a great help knowing that you’re not the only one.

10:48 AM  
Blogger jill said...

i just found your blog - and even though i am married (i have also been divorced) - i understand where you are at. as far as your blog is concerned... i try not to play for an audience - but it's tough - i even did a little when i handwrote a journal... i enjoy your honesty and frankness - i will be back... thanks!

4:37 PM  
Blogger Sleeping Mommy said...

You aren't losing this reader. Keep writing for your self. Please? Be true to yourself and the reasons you started this blog. The ones that count will keep coming back.

Meanwhile, I'm sending you a hug.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Neel said...

well, you seem to have a lot of people that care about you and support you on here. i really have only one thing to say to you in regard to all of your deeply personal matters, you are human. there is nothing wrong with you, your feelings are totally normal, and you have a need to share the way you feel.

i wrote something about exactly what you described in the first part of this post, you can find it here: http://neelsen.blogspot.com/2005/05/why-do-we-blog-part-one.html

i hope you feel better. sending you kisses (to work on your form) :)

2:10 AM  
Blogger Bumbling Bav said...

I can not give advice, but I can say that I am here and so is my heart.

If you feel angry, be angry... if you feel all hot and sex, well then go with your bad self. This is your blog LET IT RIP!

7:30 AM  
Blogger kelly said...

I completely know how you feel about your blog. The things that I *should* have been writing about for the past couple of months is exactly the stuff that I'm avoiding, so I've just been completely silly and non-relevent in my recent posts. I know some of the people that are reading my blog, and I'm too embarassed and yes, like you said, guarded, to journal the things that I would have otherwise. I've contemplated just starting fresh somewhere else... but I have found some sort of small satisfaction from the one that I've started. But you're right, blogging is totally different now than when I started.

Keep being you! I enjoy keeping up with your exploits. Writing is therapy for me also, but now I'm finding it less so in this blogger realm. I don't have near as many readers as you do, but the ones that I know that do read are close friends from way back. Kind of stifling... So... no advice, just-- I know how you feel.

--Kelly

12:00 PM  
Blogger Ms. Q said...

What they said!

My support is unconditional. In fact, maybe that's why blog friendships are so easy and good - they are pretty unconditional.

Those feelings you have? They are natural, appropriate and healthy. Keeping them inside? Not natural, appropriate or healthy!

Spill it girl. If you don't want us to know - just write on a private blog or journal.

You have my admiration and friendship, Barbara. xxx

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Lujza said...

I could say a whole lot....but I won't...I understand how you feel.

*hugs*....*big, big, hugs*!

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Curtis said...

Hey it's your blog...write what you want and if someone doesn't like it then they don't have to read it. Poop on them. As far as that guy at work is concerned, if he isn't happy being married then get out of it and then look for someone. I just think someone is a piece of puke when they run around on who they are with. Another thing...what the hell is a carpet without a stain except one that doesn't get used ??

3:19 AM  
Blogger Indigo said...

All of those are legit reasons for not blogging. I think you should write for you, and who cares about the readers. Well, I take that back, because *I* actually care about my readers, but you shouldn't feel that you need to be guarded on this outlet. KWIM? Anyhow, glad to hear you have my back on the whole pontoon boat thing. LOL!

8:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need some Chicago in your life.

5:48 PM  

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