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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

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I don't know where to even start this post. I haven't felt this low and sad for such a long time. I won't go into details of what happened because that will just make me feel worse. I am feeling so totally useless, fat, ugly and rejected. I keep crying and feel like I have lost my way. I hate this feeling because it is so hard to get out of it.
To top it off I keep having there dreams that my nana is alive and know she is going to die and I have no power to stop it. I wake up crying and missing her so much. It has been almost 2 years since she died and I am not any closer to accepting her death than when she died. If anything it hurts more. I miss her more now. I don't know what to do.


Anonymous Ron said...

You have to try and live your life the way your mom would have wanted you to. As long as you remember her, she's never really gone. She lives in you. You need to ask this how my mom would have wanted me to be?

Barbara, you're a beautiful person inside and out. Stop and take a moment and realize that life is a gift. You're one of the best gifts I know.

5:59 p.m.  
Blogger Richard said...

Trying to respond to low feelings is always hard, because either you end up sounding trite or impatient.

However, I have noticed that the past week or so, more bloggers have been writing posts that reflect a down cycle in their life (even I did last week). So I don't know, maybe it is something in the air. Maybe it is natural post Christmas blahs.

Just hang in, try to sleep well, try to eat well (lay off the calorie dense foods - chips, pasta, nuts, choclates) - try more fruits (I find grapes and pineapples to be satisfying).

Go out and enjoy the sun (even if it is cold outside). Do something (I found cleaning up the basement helped - at least I didn't have to look at a disater zone anymore - still have to clean up the rest of the house before the wife returns).

Take care.

6:21 a.m.  
Blogger oopseedaisee said...

Sorry you are feeling blue. I went through the same thing when my gran passed away. I would drem she was with me and i would tell her "what are you doing here, you are supposed to be dead". It always felt so real, like she was really there. Who knows, maybe she was.
Hopefully as the days grow longer and brighter, your mood will pick up.
You have been blue for quite a bit lately. I dont want to sound condecending, but maybe your doctor could give you something to help.
Sending loving thoughts your way.

6:32 a.m.  
Blogger Muddy, said...

I have no good words to share. My own son died when he was a baby. You never stop missing them, but you just try to find a way to cope. I try to live my life in a way that would make him proud, but it never stops hurting and you never stop wondering how it might have been or what I could have done better.

7:12 a.m.  
Anonymous Margaret said...

Oh, Barbara! ((((BIG HUG))))
Your grief is overwhelming. You don't have to keep hurting like this, when it keeps you down and keeps you from enjoying life as you should. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to find someone to talk to about your sadness, grief, and other feelings. Someone who will listen to you and who is skilled at helping people deal with the very human feelings you're experiencing. Can you look on the Internet or in your phone listings for a grief counselor in your area?

Barbara, if you want to, please e-mail me your phone number and I can call you tonight. I am in no way qualified to help you, but if you want someone to talk to, please let me call you. My e-mail is:

I only know you via your blog, but you *are* beautiful. You are NOT useless. You are a wonderful human being (hey, anyone who loves cats is wonderful!!) who deserves happiness. Yes, you deserve it.

7:23 a.m.  

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