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Friday, February 17, 2006

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Do you ever just feel lost as a parent? My separation/divorce has been going on for four years and my kids are just not getting better. If anything they seem to be regressing. I am told that this is the way that grief works and some days are better than others. A fellow I work with is also going through a divorce and his kids are the same ages as mine. He says they are doing just fine and have already met his girlfriend. They don't seem to be grieving or having outbursts.
I am trying so hard for them to be at a place of acceptance but they both just seem to grieve. I have them in counseling again and have signed them up for
Rainbow's. I have read books to them and spent hours on the internet looking for ways to help them through this. I have talked to them and made little cards to help them to express their feelings. Nothing is helping. I am getting scared for them. By no means do I ever expect them to "get over it". They will likely grieve this one until the are adults and beyond. I just want them to be happy again. I don't want them to cry so much. I don't want them to hurt like they are. They only thing that would help is if I got back with their dad and that won't happen. I don't know what to do. It is my job as a parent to raise them to be adults and I am failing.
Have any of you dealt with this? If so what helped? What didn't help? Help!
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One more thing...I need you all to pray for something! I lost something and have torn my house apart looking for it. I know for sure it has never left the house! Gah! Please pray that I find it because I am certainly not going to find it on my own power. It is now up to Him!

6 Comments:

Blogger deni said...

You are not failing, just talk to them and more importantly, listen to them, validate their feelings. They will get through this.

I have dealt with this, now that my kids are adults, they understand better the why's of it. And they all know that I did the best thing I could for all of us.

No, it's not easy, not for anyone, but it can be worked through. One day at a time.

5:05 AM  
Blogger Cowboy Joe said...

I am not sure how to help with this one. My own kids, now 13 and 11 are at the acceptance stage. Though the younger one does have a lot anger, that's more about life stuff than the divorce/separation. He says that he'd rather see me single than living with all the anger and yelling that used to happen. My 13 year old says she just wants me to be happy and that the new lady I am seeing is making me happier than I have ever been since she can remember.
But I did something that the ex never did. I told them everything. Whether they understood it or not, I told them what I had done with my business, about the whole lying thing and the trust thing being broken. I told them it wasn't their mother's fault or mine so much as a communcation and relationship thing that once broken can't be repaired. Though at first my son was angry at his mother for not being able to get over what happened, he learned quickly that it was better for us to be apart than arguing all the time.

Keep talking to them. Explain why it won't work. And maybe just tell them that this is the way it is and to get over it. It's not going to go back to how it was. Sometimes, we coddle them so much it cripples them. I don't know that tough love works, but if the other way isn't, then maybe they just need to hear it plain and simple.

Hugs, love and prayers.

8:06 AM  
Blogger wanda said...

Having raised four children of my own I know a little bit about children. However having never gone through a divorce I can't speak with any real authority in regards to how it affects children. I have watched my grandson go through first his parents divorce and then his mother's subsequent divorces. It's been hard on him and I worry that he may be holding a lot of what he feels inside, but there's not much I can do.
Now, as far as children in general are conserned I do believe there comes a point when we have to teach them that life is hard sometimes and one simply has to learn to live with what fate has dealt us. You cannot fix this. They are both going to have to learn to accept that the marriage is over and your not going to be a one household family anymore. Fighting it and denying it won't change it and it won't make it go away. Telling them you're sorry they are hurting, but that they have to accept this and move forward is all you can do. When they start showing signs of being depressed, or crying, try to encourage them to get out and do something active. Play with their friends, go shopping, just get out of the house and think about something else. It's not easy but it has to be done. They have to move on. There is no alternative.
I guess that's called the tough love approach.

12:41 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

My kids are fine with the divorce. They say it is better than watching the arguing..
And while they live with me they see their Mom as often as they want..

4:25 PM  
Blogger thequeen said...

Its there and you will find it.
When it comes to the kids, the power to help them heal is within themselves. They are more resiliant then even they know.
Talking to other kids who have gone through the same thing might help them alot. My friend Derek did that with his daughter Jen. There was a group at her school for kids with seperated or divorced parents. That helped her a lot. Everything will be okay in the end and your kids will never forget that you where there for them.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Phyllis said...

I'm praying for you. You probably found it by now since you gave Him the power to find it!
As far as kids....never had any.

11:54 AM  

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