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Sunday, September 03, 2006

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I don't know how many times I have spoken about my divorce. It still bring such unbelievable pain even four years later. When I speak to other people who have been through a divorce it seems to be a happy event torn with anger. For me it is a deeply sad event torn with times of deep regret and pain.
I made the decision to leave. I made some decisions that I did not understand at the time and I understand even less today. I know I hurt him deeply. And I hate myself for it. I just know that the love that was there had vanished and I was left feeling empty and lonely. When all the decisions were made and he moved out I wondered what I had done but I just did not have any feelings that a wife should have. I never wanted to get back together. For the sake of our children I tried but I couldn't do it.
It has been over 4 years and I still weep with regret and what could have been. I failed him and our children.
The best words that describe the ache that still constantly surrounds my heart are the words by Gordon Lighfoot.
If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishin well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as Im a ghost that you cant see
If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind that drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you wont read that book again
Because the endings just too hard to take
Id walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script
Enter number two
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me
But for now love, lets be real
I never thought I could act this way
And Ive got to say that I just dont get it
Idont know where we went wrong
But the feelins gone
And I just cant get it back
If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
bout a ghost from a wishin well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
Youll know that Im just tryin to understand
The feelins that you lack
I never thought I could feel this way
And Ive got to say that I just to get it
I dont know where we went wrong
But the feelins gone
And I just cant get it back


Blogger Jezzy said...

Oh Barbara, {{hugs}}. That's so difficult to deal with. Thanks for sharing those feelings. I guess you had to do what was right for your sanity. If there was no real love left, you would've felt trapped and unhappy. You can't make yourself feel a certain way. It's not your fault and you can't beat yourself up about that.

12:02 a.m.  
Blogger LauraJ said...

I agree with Jezzy. I haven't been through a divorce but I did leave my husband. I still loved him when I left almost 5 years ago. I still love him today. But I cannot love him and he cannot love me the way we both need and want to be loved. It took me a long time to come to that.
Don't beat yourself up really. You have not failed those children in anyway. I too thought that I failed Aaron somehow but it also took me a long time to realize that I didn't do the failing it just happened that way. You fell out of love, no big deal. At least you got out when you felt you needed to. Things would and could have been so much worse for yourself if you had stayed 20 years. No it was right that you got out when you did.
Big big big hugs!!!

6:19 a.m.  
Blogger Shaun said...

You have to take care of yourself before you're any good to anyone else. You did the right thing. It's OK and you shouldn't feel bad for making that decision.

9:42 a.m.  
Blogger Adrienne said...

it's been forever since I've read and commented on anybody's blog but here I am and I'm glad.

I miss your heartfelt, genuine posts Barbara. I've always felt that the two of us could sit and cry together for hours then pull ourselves up and get going.

You're going to be fine. You really will. Divorce is hard and it does hurt even when it's necessary.

Hang in there Babs!

11:16 a.m.  
Blogger rocks said...

oh barbara, that is just so sad. I feel for you and hope you can get to the point where you do not blame yourself. Sometimes things are too hard to work through and getting that "feeling back" has never worked for me either.
Smile, you deserve it and you will make it!

7:52 p.m.  
Blogger sharon said...

Y'know, there are never any guarantees in any aspect of life. We aren't perfect, and we can't always have the perfect marriage and be perfect parents. All we can do is teach ourselves and our children how to deal with the imperfect, unpredictability of life. It's not the bumps in the road that we should be concentrating on as much as the response we have to them. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you're guilty of anything, it's of being human.
I hope that didn't sound too preachy.

9:27 p.m.  
Blogger PBS said...

Oh, so sorry to hear of your pain. I felt that way for a while after I left my son's father, but it really was for the best. I just had to work my way through it, including not blaming myself for what happened (and didn't happen). It's a tough road but your feelings were true, it would not have worked to try to fake love when it wasn't there. It was better to set him free.

4:44 a.m.  
Blogger Lisa said...

Barbara, please give yourself a break! You didn't make that decision to hurt anyone. You made what you thought was the best decision for those involved, including the kiddos you are crazy about. They are lucky to have you and you will continue to do the best you can for them.

9:48 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a big hug from me to you Barbara!

6:15 a.m.  
Blogger thequeen said...

I think I am missing something. If you didn't have love for him like a wife should then you did him and yourself a favor by letting him go. He deserves to be loved and so do you and both deserve to have love for another like that. Please stop beating yourself up over this. What you did was hard yet very loving. You did the right thing. Don't regret that Barbara. You made a really hard choice and I give you props for that. You loved him enough as a human being to let him go instead of making you and him miserable by being miserable yourself... Now I am just repeating myself. ((((((HGUS)))) and lots of love to you!

8:28 p.m.  
Anonymous lujza said...

Yes! Definitely all of that and huge hugs on top!

10:01 p.m.  
Anonymous happy and blue 2 said...

Never feel that you failed your children. Failing your children is staying in a relationship that needs to end.
You can't love children properly if you aren't happy. So what you did was of benefit to them..
Like the song by the way..

7:15 p.m.  
Blogger Barbara said...

My divorce tore me up, too, even though it really was the only choice left. Even our marriage counselor said there wasn't anything left to build from. That didn't stop me from feeling horribly guilty and "wrong". And I still worry that I've done wrong by our son by subjecting him to divorce. In the end, no one can let you (or me) off the hook except yourself (or myself). Why is it that it's so much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive someone else?

10:38 a.m.  

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