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Friday, December 22, 2006

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I am thinking it may be time to give up blogging but something keeps me here. My posts are getting fewer and further between and when I do post it is lacking. Day after day I watch the cursor blinking at me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

It feels like I am waiting for my life to go somewhere. I am terribly unhappy at my job. It is so bad that I can't eat when I am at work because my stomach is upset from stress the moment I walk in the door. I want to go back to school.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I am going through another stage of being weary of being single. If one more person tells me that it will happen when I stop looking I just may smack them. That is a total bunch of crap because I wasn't looking for over a year. I didn't want to be in a relationship a the time so how the hell can it happen when I am not looking?

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I can't seem to save even a few dollars from each pay cheque. It is hard to be unjealous of the people I know that have such big homes. My son, daughter and I grew out of this tiny 2-bedroom a long time ago. My kids needs a room to themselves now. There is no hope that I will ever be able to have that.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And I feel so wretchedly ungrateful to have any of these feelings. The world is a big place and my problems are insignificant.

But.

Waiting.

Waiting

Waiting.

The cursor keeps blinking...

14 Comments:

Anonymous happy and blue 2 said...

I wish I had something to say that would make it all better.
It's difficult being a single parent. Particularly at this time of year. I think the ending of a year often makes us think of what didn't happen as opposed to what did.
Hang in there.

Hope you and your children have a Merry Christmas..

4:55 AM  
Blogger A Woman Changed said...

I've read your blog for a long time and have noticed that you've been unhapy with your job throughout. I've seen you percolate for awhile and my impression is that you're building up for a change. Whatever that is, whenever you are ready for it to happen. Hang in there and know that you have a lot of people out here cheering you on!

5:49 AM  
Blogger Phyllis said...

When you are unhappy at work, life can get unbearable! I am lucky to have a somewhat good paying job for a gal here, but the stress of working under a micromanager was killing me! I was at my Bible study one night and we were studying Ephesians. Ephesians 6: 5-8 jumped out at me. (look it up) It boiled down to, I am now going to work with enthusiasm. I tell myself each day I am going to work for the Lord, and I am here for a purpose. I no longer get mad when some rude person leaves an empty coffee pot. I go to work to MAKE coffee and hot water and refill the ice cube tray. That way I am not disappointed. I also pray for my boss every night and ask God to help me be the employee my boss wants me to be, and the Christian that God wants me to be. I go to work like I am working for the Lord. Believe it or not after 3 months my boss asked me what changed. I told her I pray every night for her.
I didn't mean to preach at you. I know how lonely it can be, I have been single now for almost 20 years. But I do not have children, and the burden of raising children these days can be overpowering for a single gal.
What kind of work do you do?
email me, phyllisbrett1@comcast.net
Meery Christmas, Barbara!

11:23 AM  
Blogger Ashley said...

"It feels like I am waiting for my life to go somewhere"


I have days like that.
Perhaps it's just a phase?

But ya know what, it's never too late to go back to school. go, and pursue something that will put a smile on your face.

keep your head up!

12:06 PM  
Blogger sharon said...

Don't you dare stop blogging! We'd miss you too much.

I can relate to what you're saying about being a single mom and broke, when your friends are going on vacations every year. It can be depressing. I think you should do some research on yourself and make it your mission to find something that excites and drives you. (I said someTHING, not someONE. LOL) If you can find an activity that you love and that's just for you, you have a better chance of happening across someone with similar interests. In this life, you never know what's around the corner...
I'm rootin' for ya!

3:46 PM  
Blogger PBS said...

Problems are always significant to the one who has them! And it can be an unfair world but I hope some fun and good things appear during the holidays for you! Hang in there, and remember that blogging can be good therapy.

4:02 PM  
Blogger Library Mama said...

Just a quick note to wish you a wonderful holiday and life's richest blessings in the new year. Maybe what you're looking for is just around the corner...

9:36 PM  
Blogger deni said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down and stressed and frustrated.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas and many blessings come your way in the New Year.

5:04 AM  
Anonymous Bobbie said...

Wishing you and your children a Merry Christmas. May the New Year bring you happiness and prosperity. Take care.

12:31 PM  
Blogger kelly said...

Barbara, this post resonates so much with me. I, too, am unhappy with so many of the same things: my small home, my job, my paycheck. Just within the past few days I vowed to try and spend next year trying to live my life without comparing it to everyone else's, to see if it will bring me any closer to happier. I suspect that it won't, and the only things that *will* make me happier, are a bigger home, a better job and more money. What a depressing thought. Not much help, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. And I do agree with the above person who said that blogging is good therapy.

Hope you and N and W had a good Christmas, and have a blessed 2007.

1:37 AM  
Anonymous luvneeyore said...

Things change. Sometimes they don't change as fast as we would like them to. I find myself having the very same thoughts you are having. My Peace is Jesus. He is why I make it through each day. I'm sure He will guide you to your hearts desire.
I will pray He gives you the strength you need to make it through each day.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Curtis said...

I too sit here and watch the cursor blinking away while my mind draws a blank. Sometimes it's a few days and others a week or more but eventually a thought comes to me and I write and you will do the same. I've never been a single parent but I do know the feeling of not being able to do or have much for the holidays. That's a bummer but it too passes. Now I guess you'll just have to smack me on this one but Ellen and I both had just given up looking and then...well you know the rest, we found each other. Don't ask me it just happened. I wouldn't have believed it either and Ithought the same way you do about it. Heck I got divorced in 1976 and didn't remarry until 5 years ago. You talk about being alone for a long time...well if that ain't it then I don't know what is.

There are those times when your job stinks, life stinks, maybe your situation (whatever it is) stinks, but just stop and take a good look around you. The world is a beautiful place to be and there is lots to see and do...find one of them. Then thank God that you have a life and that you are still alive because I know all too well how something can sneak up on you and before you know it, it becomes too short so enjoy every minute of it. When things get a little rotten just give thanks that you are here and then think about how wonderful it is to have friends that you know and see everyday and those of us you blog with everyday.

Oh and don't stop writing because then I won't have your blog to look forward to.

4:24 AM  
Blogger Tee said...

{{{{BARBARA}}}}

While our problems aren't the same, I can still understand that desperation of heart that you feel. I've been there, and recently. I go back there often.

This was a beautiful post despite the pain expressed. I sincerely hope this new year will bring you some unexpected happiness.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

Barbara,
I hope you will continue to write here, I would miss you. Sometimes its hard to think of something to share. Thats why I post photos, they give me ideas to write.
Lately I have been working way too much. We dont always know what we want, I went to school and started a new job, but I am not really happy at it, but now I feel trapped as I cant waste the money I spent on school and just quit nursing. One thing that remains constant in your posts is your love for the kids. As long as you have that and a love for your self, eventually love will find you. Im sure of it. Keep plugging away.

All the best for New Years.

3:28 PM  

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