The break is on hiatus for tonight. Do you know what I hear right now? Cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak...I hear it every single night around 11 pm and it goes all night long! Is it an annoying neighbor? Is is a nearby factory? Is it a tree scraping against the side of the house? No! It is my kids hamster running in his wheel. Silent wheel my ass! It sound like train passing through the house. Cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak, cachunak.

Update - I disconnected his wheel.

Going to take a bit of a blogging break. Will still be by to visit all of you.

Do you ever just feel lost as a parent? My separation/divorce has been going on for four years and my kids are just not getting better. If anything they seem to be regressing. I am told that this is the way that grief works and some days are better than others. A fellow I work with is also going through a divorce and his kids are the same ages as mine. He says they are doing just fine and have already met his girlfriend. They don't seem to be grieving or having outbursts.
I am trying so hard for them to be at a place of acceptance but they both just seem to grieve. I have them in counseling again and have signed them up for Rainbow's. I have read books to them and spent hours on the internet looking for ways to help them through this. I have talked to them and made little cards to help them to express their feelings. Nothing is helping. I am getting scared for them. By no means do I ever expect them to "get over it". They will likely grieve this one until the are adults and beyond. I just want them to be happy again. I don't want them to cry so much. I don't want them to hurt like they are. They only thing that would help is if I got back with their dad and that won't happen. I don't know what to do. It is my job as a parent to raise them to be adults and I am failing.
Have any of you dealt with this? If so what helped? What didn't help? Help!

~

One more thing...I need you all to pray for something! I lost something and have torn my house apart looking for it. I know for sure it has never left the house! Gah! Please pray that I find it because I am certainly not going to find it on my own power. It is now up to Him!

Do you ever feel like your brain is fizzling out? Like an underworked muscle it just sits there and goes soft and gooey. I have been feeling that way for a long time and for a long time I have not been doing anything about it. I have to have an active brain so last week I did something about it. I joined a writer's group and this week I joined a book club. I wouldn't call myself a writer but I do write. I also love to read. I usually have 6- 8 books by my bedside. There two groups will force me to write one story a week and read at least one book a month. I know I am going to need much more stimulation so I will be buying at least one scientific magazine every month. (I already subscribe to National Geographic.)

I think of this as my brain going to the gym!

Do you know what today is? It is my 2 year blogging anniversary ! Here is a part of my first post...

"Well what do you know about this? A place to write where people can sit and read the thoughts that tumble around my head everyday. This could be fun! Ok then. I left my husband a year and a half ago. Turned out I am pretty screwed up and am attracted to alcoholics. So my mom talks me into going to al anon at which point I think "Ya right mom". Well my life back then really could not have been more shitty so what harm could come from going? So I go. I cried the entire first meeting. Cried at every meeting for about a year actually. All these years of thinking I was a nut case and it is was just that I was raised in an alcoholic environment! I don't get to meetings as often as I should but this program has turned my life around."


It seems things have come around full-circle and I am needing to get back to Al Anon again. I feel I really haven't grown much since I stopped going. Being a unhealthy co-dependent is a slippery slope and I have fallen back. My self-esteem has slid down that slippery slope and with that comes depression.
Life can throw you curve balls when you don't expect them.
So much has happened in two years. These last two years have been made up of mostly sad memories. Would I change them if I could? I want my Nana back but not if it meant pain and suffering for her. Would I change my mom's cancer diagnosis? That is a hard one. I think she is glad for it because it changed her so much. But that is her story to tell. For me it brought on the fear that I will one day lose my mom to death. That said, her battle with cancer brought us closer than ever. So bitter sweet.

Two years. I am hoping the next two years brings happy memories. I will get back to Al Anon because my recovery depends on it.

To all of you that have been with me for the full two years and to all the rest of you I thank you for your words of wisdom, compassion, humour and unconditional support.

You know what I really friggen hate? Having my eyebrows waxed. The esthetician gains your trust and lulls you into complacency with the nice warm wax. Ahhh...It actually feels nice. Then RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIP! she tears off all the hair off your sensitive eyebrow area. It hurts and I don't like it. However because I look like The Sasquatch I get it done about every 6 weeks.
Until now. Tonight whilst browsing through Wal-Mart I found a product similar to this thing. It was $7.99 so I figured what the heck! It it sucks I am only out $8.00. I brought and home and began to shave around my eyebrows, convinced I was going to shave them right off. Not only did I not shave them off I did a very decent job. My esthetician just lost a customer!

My Word Cloud ...

You can get your own word cloud at http://www.snapshirts.com/custom.php

Note to self- When writing a note to self make sure it makes sense to self.

What the heck does "FT 2 M" mean? Whatever it means I am supposed to do it tomorrow. nnngah!

You are all so sweet and kind and I wish I could give you all a big hug!

I am feeling much better today, just really tired but that is because I have a cold. I called my mom last night and did my usual routine of crying and talking and listening. My brother also called and he always gives the greatest insight (seriously, the man should write a book) and he never fails to make me laugh.

So I am doing ok today. I think I do need some grief counseling with regards to my Nana and will look into that soon.

((((hugs)))) to all of you.