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Thursday, February 26, 2004

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I was watching Who Wants to Be A Millionaire tonight and thinking how stupid people can be. One man had to ask the audience what antihistamines are used for! Two people used the phone a friend and the friends took too long to answer so the players missed the question.
Well the stupidity heightens! On the news tonight it reports a mom that left her 4 month (the broadcast said 9 month) old baby locked in a running car for 45 minutes! What the hell is wrong with people? When asked why she said that she meant to run in and it was the cashier's fault because she was slow. The police did not take the baby because the mother was breastfeeding but the police are suggesting criminal charges. I sure the hell hope so!

Monday, February 23, 2004

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More Questions I Don't Have the Answer To:
~Why do I worry so much about this great relationship? I am convinced that I shouldn't be this happy and some catastrophe will end it.
~Will the Canucks ever make it to the playoff's?
~What the hell is this about? (he is all your's Gina ha ha)
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Not much to write about today. Went to my Mom and Dad's place for a bonfire yesterday. K#vin got to meet my whole family. Everyone liked him and he had lots of fun. As usual we all ate way too much and laughed ourselves silly. I am so thankful for my family. Through all the crap in the last few years they have been there for me. I know so many families that don't like each other and I am so appreciative of them.
Today went shopping for stuff I have been needing for a while. Went back to K#vin's and he gave me a massage and I fell asleep! I have never fallen asleep after a massage before! He gives such fantastic massages. My neck gets so sore from nerve damage.
Well that's it. As I said, not much to write about. Bored, bored, bored but happy, happy , happy! (hee hee)

Saturday, February 21, 2004

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It was my birthday yesterday (33) and I had such a great time. Went out for dinner with girl-N, boy-W and K#vin. For my birthday K#vin told me he is taking me to Ontario in June. I am going to meet his family! This is serious stuff. He has never brought someone home to meet the family. I can't wait but am scared at the same time. What if they hate me? K#vin says there is no chance of that but if they do it doesn't matter.
Cute story: Girl-N told me last night that she had a dream that "you got me a baby sister". I decided this would be a good opportunity to find out just what she knows so I asked he how I would do that. She told me I would need to go to the doctor. Apparently the doctor puts the baby in. I asked her how the baby gets out and she said "I don't know but I am pretty sure you need to go to the stitch store" (her word for hospital after she got stitches. It is too cute to tell her the real name).

Now for the good stuff. K#vin told me this morning that he loved me. We were laying in bed before he went for work and he looks down and me and told me. This is the first time he said it. I was so happy I almost started to cry but I just gave him a big hug instead. I am so very happy.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

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The following is for Canadian readers- I was at a hockey game last night and as with all sports the game started with the singing of our national anthem. As I am singing I look around and do not see anyone singing! Canadians do you not realize how great our home is? It was voted by United Nations as the best country to live in the world for seven years in a row. Bill Clinton himself said this about Canada "In world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity and mutual respect"
My question is this? Why can't Canadians be patriotic and show it? I have no doubt that we love our home. I have never spoken to a Canadian that would like to live elsewhere. Why is it so hard to sing "Oh Canada"? Looking into this I found that most Canadians do not even know the words!
In my opinion Canadians need to get excited about living here.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

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I did it. I jumped into the 21st century and had cable installed. I had it for a short time about five years but disconnected it because it annoyed the hell out of me. It has been on now for less than an hour and already I am losing it. My daughter is watching "Bear in the Big Blue House" and other than the bear all the voices are like nails on chalkboard!
The only saving grace will be hockey games, specifically Canucks hockey. Yes, I know they are not the best but a true fan always loves her team. I will also watch Seinfeld reruns.
Anyone want to make wagers before I flip out and call the cable company to disconnect it?
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wHy Is It ThAt tHiS Is ThE NeW wAy To TyPe? dOeS tHis MaKe Me CoOl? I hOpE sO. i HaVe AlWaYs BeEn A nErD.

Monday, February 16, 2004

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I am ready for bed but I have made myself sick eating Hershey's Kisses. Let me say I am not a chocolate person but about two days out of the month (yes that time) I can't handle life if I don't get them. Usually I get my fix after about 10 of them then go on my merry way until the next month. Tonight I ate way too many and I feel sick! I can barely breathe I am so full. Now I have to sit here in misery waiting for them to digest. Serves me right I know.
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My new obsession is this blog and I find myself constantly thinking of things to write here. Actually I am always thinking. Thoughts are always tumbling around in my head all day long. I just have a place to write about them now. This leads me to my thought for the day.
I passed my Grandpa while driving this morning. My Grandma passed away a few years ago and my sister did not go to her funeral. She is very afraid of death. My question is how much can I encourage her to get by this until it comes to a point of doing the opposite? Damn. I am not making sense. Don't you hate it when you have a thought but can't get it down in writing? What I mean in a nutshell is when is it encouragement and when is it nagging and interfering with her journey? So often we mean well but we are standing in the way of someone's path that they are walking. Let's face it. Life is not easy and we are here learning a lot of lessons. In the end we are hopefully better people. I know I have had people with good intentions "encourage" me but when it came down to it they were just blocking the path. I would have likely figured out the lesson a lot sooner if they had not been giving me advice. With my sister's fear I feel if I had have told her she should have been at Grandma's funeral it would have just brought guilt. I feel guilt is counter-productive. It has the opposite of the intended effect. My sister may or may not get by this but it isn't my job to see that she does. Sooooooooooo....What I am going to try to do is choose my words before trying to help someone. I can be there by their side to offer love, friendship and support but it isn't my job to tell anyone what they should be doing.
Is this as clear as mud?

Sunday, February 15, 2004

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Just read someone else's blog and just loved this. If you are the one that wrote these words, thank you. Exactly how I feel about K#vin.

"i love the stages of infatuation and blind happiness that came when I first realized how wonderful you are (even when countered by doubts or fears that can sting just as much)."
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Valentine's Day was absolutely amazing! K#vin went all out and then some. He cooked me dinner with cheesecake for dessert that was the best I have ever had. He had purple tulips (my favourite) the a single rose for my pillow later on. Candlelight, chocolates and a gift. I started to cry at one point because I have never had a man be so good to me. He just held me. At times it is overwhelming having a man treat me so well and strangely it scares me. I know my need to rescue and co-dependency has attracted me to the abusers in the past and I really believe that the fact I am now with K#vin is evidence of my recovery working. Why is it scary though? Part of me is afraid of this whole thing working and another part is afraid of it not. Why is that?
At any rate I know I am so happy. He is such a wonderful man and I want to be able to give to him what he is giving to me but I feel like I can't ever do this. I no longer think as I have in past relationships that he deserves better than me. Working on loving myself has shown me that I do deserve him and I deserve better than being called a "fucking cunt" or stupid, lazy, bitch, a bad mom, lousy housekeeper etc. I accepted that abuse in the past because I didn't think I deserved better. I know now that is not the case. I do deserve to be treated well.
Had a nap earlier and now I am wide awake. I have not meditated in a while and am feeling the effects of a brain too busy. Will do that before bed. I need to write in my journal too. I keep the really good stuff there! Ha ha Some prayer would be good at this point. I need to ask God for direction and thank him for the great stuff he continues to do daily in my life. I find when I have gratitude life is so much brighter and easier.

More things I Do Not Have the Answer To:
~How long does it take to fall in love?
~When I do fall in love how can I be sure it is real?
~Where are my slippers?
~How is it possible to have 45 socks that don't have a match?
~Why is there 600 pieces of tupperware in my cupboard and not a single lid matches a container?
~Does your heart ever feel so happy you feel like it will beat right out of your chest?
~Are you ever so incredibly happy that you can think of nothing but a deep and profound thanks to God?

I mean this is a big deal for me. My life has been so damn horrible the last few years. I wanted to die when girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis. I was suicidal and it was suggested that I go into the psych ward. (I refused) I cried every day for 2 years and then went numb and was unable to cry for 2 more. I was angry at God. I hated God. I still grieve over this but I am learning to live life on life's terms and not my own. If I wait for my life to get better it wont and I know I have to be happy where I am at and whatever life throws at me. People! Listen to this! Life is a bitch! It is hard. It is painful. It will tear your heart out on some days. You will only find happiness when you realize you need to be happy wherever you are at. My beautiful daughter has a genetic disease that could kill her. I either figured out this mess called life and have it together or I am 100% insane. You decide. (When I say insane I mean mentally ill for real and not just the kind I make joke about me being. Real life mental illness is not a joke because I have been there for real.)

Saturday, February 14, 2004

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Happy Valentine's Day! Here is a very cute page that was sent to me. This page is so disgustingly adorable I can't help but smile every time I see it.
Now a long paragraph about the last 24 or so hours. Girl-N is sick and is coughing away in the bedroom. Her eyes are sore so I am hoping she doesn't have an eye infection. Poor little thing sure gets sick a lot. Watched the Canuck's lose yet again. Damn! Some days they are so incredible and others they just to terrible. Still always a great game to watch though. Going to K#vin's place tonight for Valentine's Day and the kids are staying at my mom and dad's.
Oh this warrants a new paragraph. I finally stood up to the kid's dad about his constant lateness. This BS has been going on for 17 years (since we have been dating). He is always late and never gives a phone call. Last night I told him that if I had a place to go I would just leave and take the kids with me. He got mad and said if I didn't like it I could drop them off and I said "I don't like it and I will be taking them with me." I told him that I didn't like the fact that he tried to put the blame back on me. I walked away shaking and was feeling terrible about it later but honestly I shouldn't have to wait for him from anywhere from 10 - 45 minutes. I told him I will wait 10 minutes but wont be waiting anymore. I feel 10 minutes is fair to give time for traffic and just generally running late and stuff. Boy oh boy I hate confrontation and standing up to people. I always feel like the bitch of the century but I am tired of being the doormat of the century. I hope this gets him to be on time or very least a phone call. Am I asking to much because I sure feel like a scag.
I do believe I shall go back to bed. It isn't even 5:00 yet. Just got up to say goodbye to K#vin. Will probably write more later.

Friday, February 13, 2004

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Went out for lunch with my mom after spending an hour and a half in the optical place while she got new glasses. There is only so many times you can try on glasses out of boredom before you try to find a place to fall asleep. Finally after a long gruelling time we left and went out for lunch and had a great talk.
Cool thing that happened today. After school I went to boy-W's class to pick him up and about 5 minutes later the mom and dad of one of the boy's in his class came along with a video camera. They walked up to their son and said "Mark would you like to go to Disneyland?" of course he said yes then the mom says "Do you want to go right now?" Of course the kid said yes then his mom said "Get your things because we are going!" The kid's eyes practically popped out of his head and he stood there with his mouth open. He couldn't contain himself and started freaking out. His mom started crying then I started crying because she was crying. It is so cool. This little guys dad died of cancer when he was 3 and the mom remarried to this really nice guy. They are all so happy together. I am happy for them. They deserve it. :-)
Kids came home with 50 million Valentine's Day cards that are now all spread all over the computer desk. I just remembered there is something I am supposed to remember today but I can't remember what it is. If I remember I will be sure to write it down.
I can't seem to get these links to work but this is a funny site. This guy was the worlds worst poet.
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Rant time!
Well damn it all to hell anyway! What the hell is wrong with people? Is it a BAD thing that I am the happiest I ever remember being in my life and people feel they need to bring me down a peg or two? Can they not handle that something good is finally happening to me? I have a child with a serious genetic disease, my condo was leaky when I bought it and had to declare bankruptcy, had 2 deaths of 2 people I loved with all my heart within a year of each other and I went through a divorce. I have had my share of fvcking misery so why can't people say "I am so happy for you!" I tell them about how happy I am since I met K#vin and what a wonderful man he is. I tell them he treats me like a queen. Their response..."I hate to be the devil's advocate..." then go off on some stupid thing like I have dated jerks in the past and he will be one too. I don't want to hear that these people love me and have my best interest at heart! Fvck that! Do they think I am total fvcking moron and I wont watch for the red flags? Last night I was talking to a friend who went on for about 30 minutes about how this is all wrong and he has never even met K#vin! He only knows him from what I told him and it has all been good things. It is like if they can't be happy I shouldn't be. Is this some psychological thing people do? Anyway, rant over. I definitely filled my quota for curse words here.
Wait...I have another rant. I am classroom mom for boy-W's class. It is my job to inform other parents of activities and get them to help. I also buy the Christmas, birthday and end of the year gifts for the teacher and the parents pay me back. Do you think I have had ONE parent ask to help? I bought the Christmas present and only 4 parents paid me back! Today (Valentine's Day) I had to buy cupcakes and juice. That is fine I don't mind that but then the teacher asks me to buy stuff for the kids with allergies too! Is it just me or should the parents of these kids be doing this? I know if it was my child I would send food along that they could eat. So not only do I have to pay for presents, food and juice I am buying freaking non-allergy food too and nobody gives me a fvcking cent or a thank you! What the hell? It isn't about the money. Suffice it to say I will not be classroom mom next year!
Well I am in a fine bloody mood aren't I?
Good things happening today...My mom and I are going out for lunch and K#vin the Spectacular is staying overnight again. I called him all upset about rant #1 and he said he will cheer me up when he gets here. Hee hee. What a guy.

More questions I do not have the answer to:
~How long will tree frogs live in an aquarium because boy-W caught some in the spring last year and wanted them as pets. Being the pushover parent that I am I said yes and now 10 months later they are still alive and I buy these crickets that chirp all night long. I don't have the heart to let them go because they will either die from exposure or from starvation because they don't know how to look for their own food. Am I totally whacked to care that much about 3 tree frogs? If I see tadpoles swimming around you will hear about it.
~Is it wrong to be this happy?

Thursday, February 12, 2004

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I really don't know what the hell I am doing here. That link is where I got the "comment" option from my blog. They wanted me to post the link so you too can have people belittle and tell you what a supreme nut case you are!Thanks Iggy for telling me about this.

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Tuesday, February 10, 2004

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More Questions I Don't Have the Answer To.
~What on earth am I going to get K#vin for Valentine's Day?
~Why is Harriet (my cat) peeing on my bed?
~Why do people feel they need to bring you down when you are so happy?

Friday, February 06, 2004

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Things that I don't have an answer to...
~Why does it take boy-W 45 minutes to put on socks in the morning?
~Why can't a single item of clothing end up in girl-N's dresser after I have washed, dried and folded them?
~Is K#vin the "one"?
~Why would anyone spend $21 on a mug?!
~Am I really getting better or am I still just as whacked as I was a year and a half ago?

**This list will be added to as I think of things.**
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Well what do you know about this? A place to write where people can sit and read the thoughts that tumble around my head everyday. This could be fun!
Ok then. I left my husband a year and a half ago. Turned out I am pretty screwed up and am attracted to alcoholics. So my mom talks me into going to al anon at which point I think "Ya right mom". Well my life back then really could not have been more shitty so what harm could come from going? So I go. I cried the entire first meeting. Cried at every meeting for about a year actually. All these years of thinking I was a nut case and it is was just that I was raised in an alcoholic environment! I don't get to meetings as often as I should but this program has turned my life around. That brings me to today's story. As said I just seem to attract and be attracted to alcoholic (and abusive men). Ya know what? Never mind. I was going to tell about this wonderfully, fabulous man that I met that is not an alcoholic. (He has always been a non-drinker). He treats me so well and I think, well I think that I could fall in love with him. But I am not going to write it here because I am so afraid of jinxing it. Oh but man...I am so excited about this. Maybe all the recovery work that at times I thought would kill me, send me to the psych ward or break my heart is working. I have attracted and am attracted to a great guy. OK, I didn't just write all this because if I did I will jinx it and next week I will find out he is a convicted felon and running from the law or something equally as horrible.
Sad news...aforementioned great guy (K#vin) has to put his dog down today and my heart just aches for him. He just loves his dogs so much and we talked last night and he decided that her life was no longer a happy one so it was time. He has asked me to go with him. This is not going to be a great day.
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