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Monday, May 31, 2004

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It happened. Girl-N broke a bone in her cute little body. She was running at the playground and slipped on the wet grass. She fell forward and landed on the back of her hand. I must say she was very brave and tough about it. In the end I took her to the emergency room because of the lack of crying. She just kept saying "Ow ow ow". She has a cast now. It is the smallest cast I have ever seen. It even glows in the dark, much to her delight!

Took the kids fishing this weekend but didn't even get a nibble. We were at a lake and I am used to fishing in the ocean. It was fun even without the big waves and seagulls flying around threatening to shit on you.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

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I finally decided! I have not been happy with my new blogger look since I put it up. I kept it because of the work involved to change it and I didn't really know what I wanted to do.
I have now decided! I will be getting rid of the flowers and giving my blog an entire new look. See you all when I am done!
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O.k. It is that time of the year again. The time of year every woman puts off, dreads and hates. It is my PAP SMEAR!! (loud scary music playing)
I forgot it was today. With the long weekend here I am a day off. There is nothing worse than having to lay on a table all cold and naked and have a doctor messing around down there with my girl. I feel creepy for the rest of the day. It isn't something you can just forget about after it is done well...becasue...KY. Ewwww! I know, I know. TMI.
I know everyone of you (ladies)know exactly what I am talking about though don't you?
I do love being female but on one day of the year; I am woman. Hear me roar. My ass.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

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It is a long weekend here! Whooo hoooooo! Victoria Day. Fireworks tomorrow night! Will try to post pics.

Note-I live in a city of about 80, 000 and we have fireworks several times a year. I have been told this is not normal. I was told that most cities only have them once a year, maximum twice. We celebrate everything here! BC Day, Canada Day, Victoria Day, Labour Day. We also celebrate another festival unique to our city. Christmas time we have a show in the harbour where all the boats go by with Christmas lights. We also have another light up ceremony where it is a huge celebration kicking off the Christmas season. New Years there is a huge bash where you can bring the whole family and another one for adults where a live band comes in. Also Polar Bear swims, canons fired everyday and bonfires all over the city on Halloween. Almost every weekend there is some celebration. Best of all, beside a nominal fee for the New Year family celebration, it is all free! Is that not normal? I have only ever lived here so I don't know.

Friday, May 21, 2004

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I think this working two jobs thing may prove interesting. I was called in to come to both this morning. I got up before 7. Was called to the school. I didn't actually teach in the classroom today but did Track & Field. All day standing on my feet! Right after that I tore across town with about 5 mintes to spare to my other job. Suffice it to say I am a little tired. A good tired though.
I spoke with both bosses and both understand that I have another job. They are both accommodating and will understand when I have to turn down shifts to go to the other job. I think that is pretty cool considering most employers wont do that. We have several of those big box stores in town and they will only give their employee's 15 - 20 hours a week but they need to be available from 8 am - 10 pm 7 days a week. What a bunch of bullshit! People who work for minimum wage need the opportunity to work more than one job. Place like there always have a high turnover of staff for the simple reason they can't live on on $600/month. It pisses me off that they expect so much of their employees and pay them crap wages, no benefits and if you can't be there for a shift you get fired. Anyway, I have gone off on a tangent. (again)
wants to take me to Ontario to meet his family next month. I am so scared. I honestly don't know if I can do it. What if they hate me? says there is no chance of that happening but if they do he wont care because he loves me.
Well I am tired. Off to flake out in front of the TV.
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Why do all of you have to make your blogs so damn interesting? It is almost 1:00 in the morning and I just keep reading. Stop it!

Thursday, May 20, 2004

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I got another new job today! Whooo hooooo! It is working in home support as a care attendant for the elderly, people with disabilities and people recovering from injuries. I can't believe I go the job because I thought I bombed the interview but the employer called me this morning and told me I got it. I was chosen out of several other applicants so I can't tell you what it does for my self esteem. I have been a SAHM for 8 years and didn't think I would ever get hired again anywhere. Yay!

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

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Chaos. Is it just me or do some people bring it on themselves and then beg for more?
I met a lady about a year and a half ago at a workshop. I had never spoken to her in my life and during the break she proceeds to tell me all these details about her life. It was a grief and loss workshop and she was there because her last boyfriend dumped her. She went on to tell me her current boyfriend is married and she can't understand why he wont commit to her. O.K...

I ran into her at the grocery store a few months later and she tells me how the boyfriend she was with broke up with her to go back to his wife (What a surprise.) She is telling me about her nervous breakdown and a whole bunch of stuff I didn't care to know. Hello? I don't know you lady! It isn't that I don't care but you are stepping way over the healthy boundaries mark!

Then two days ago there was a note in my kids school newsletter asking for a ride for a student. I go home that way so I called the number. Guess who? Shit! She starts up immediately telling me she is pregnant and she still is in love with the boyfriend that is married but she is with a new boyfriend! The old boyfriend wants to leave his wife for her and she doesn't understand why he wont actually do it. She blames everyone else for the crap going on in her life. For the love of god!

Meanwhile on the phone she is yelling at her son and telling me how annoying and what a pain in the ass he is. As a single mom I understand the frustration but saying things like that in front of your child is uncalled for! I think of it like this. If was on the phone talking to his dad and telling his dad I was annoying and a pain in the ass I would be devastated. Nobody deserves to hear this. As far as I am concerned keep your freaking trap shut! If you are frustrated call a friend while your kids are out or have gone to bed and then vent. We need to respect and honour everyone we meet but especially our children. Our job as parents is to ready them for a world that they will be confident and succeed in. It wont happen if they are being belittled and criticized.

Anyway, I have gone off my topic of inviting chaos. I wish I knew ahead of time that it was her child that needed the ride because I am inviting chaos into my own life. I have had enough of my own. Yes, I brought it on myself by bad decisions and poor judgment. The world I choose to live in now took a lot of (free) counseling, al anon and perseverance. It was damn hard! Thankfully the school year is almost over and I wont have to have her in my life for much longer. I wont be offering rides next year. I enjoy the serene and peaceful world I live in and I wont give it up for anything but especially the chaotic life of a near stranger.
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Is anyone else tired of watching the news? Even when we don't watch it, the awful stuff happening still reaches our ears. We are plagued with stories we didn't want to hear and images we never wanted to see. I find it depressing and discouraging. So...Today and every Wednesday I will be bringing you Wonderful Wednesday! This will be stories dedicated to something GOOD happening in the world.

I am also making a promise. As of today I will not be talking about any of the bad stuff happening in the world. We all know where to get the information if we feel the need to be informed. While reading my blog I don't want anyone to have that awful heavy feeling that I experience when I read about war, Afghanistan, beheadings and all the other horrors.

75% of Canadians Plan to Donate Their Organs

I like this one. Organ Donation. Specifically YOUR organs. Something none of us want to think about. However the reality is, there are people out there whose life depends on each of us making the decision. So what is the good news in this? Nearly 75% of Canadians plan to donate their organs when they die. I think that is fantastic! I have a friend who had another 5 years added to his life because of organ donation. While one family was dealing with the horrific grief of losing their mom in a car accident, they were thinking clearly to know that through their loss someone else could benefit.
Today I encourage everyone to find out what your province or state's protocol is for organ donation. Here in British Columbia we need to register ourselves and our family. I registered myself and my children a few years ago. The thought when doing this was upsetting but I kept in mind that if the unthinkable happened someone else's child would have a chance at life.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

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I have become one of "those" people. I am addicted to a T.V. show! Quite by accident I started watching Starting Over and now I am hooked. First let me say I have never been a T.V. person, least of all a daytime T.V. person. After about an hour I am getting antsy. So the other day I was flipping channels and there was this big freak out fest going on. Josie was leaving the house before she should have and everyone else was in hysterics. Anyway, now I have to watch it. I don't watch everyday but I must find out what is going on at least twice a week. I think it is an ongoing show too. I don't think the series ends but when one girl leaves another takes her place. How will I ever stop watching? I have to go now. MY show is starting. (Crap, I have become one of those people who refer to T.V. programs as "my" show.
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A few weeks back (April 15th) I did a post on things that piss me off. Today I bring you "Things I am Thankful For!"

1. My kids
3. My mom & dad
4. My brother & sister
5. Harriet (my cat)
6. My chair that was my grandma's that is soooo comfy.
7. The quilt on my bed made from the scraps of my kids baby clothes
8. 100% Cotton
9. Polar Fleece
10. Flannel
11. My computer
12. This blog
13. My home
14. My car
15. Chocolate
16. Today
17. Ibuprofen
18. My Snoopy tattoo
19. Having the sense to see I deserved better.
20. Al Anon
21. Fresh cut flowers
22. E-mail
23. Cold water from the fridge
24. Egg salad sandwiches
25. French vanilla coffee
26. The places to hike around my city
27. The ocean
28. Trees
29. Mexican food
30. My laundryroom. ( I don't have to take laundry elsewhere)
31. My water pillow
32. Enya
33. Sweater weather
34. A good night's sleep
35. Clean bedsheets
36. Butterflies
37. Ladybugs
38. Night lights (I am afraid of the dark)
39. Seinfeld
40. Little House on the Prairie Yes. I watch LH :-
41. Buzzy and Daisy
42. I am healthy. My kids are healthy.
43. Canada
44. I don't live in a 3rd world country or under a dictatorship
45. The empowerment I received after I turned 30.
46. Daffodils
47. Tulips
48. Sweet peas
49. Sunny days
50. Rainy days
51. Lemonade
52. Spell check
53. Hot baths
54. Cool showers
55. Memories
56. Candles
57. Sleeping in
58. Nail Polish on my toes (blue today)
59. Fireplaces
60. A clean kitchen
61. Clifford the Big Red Dog
62. Christmas
63. Groundhog Day (the day I met )
64. Warm blankets just out of the dryer
65. When my kids run up to me, give me a hug and tell me they love me for no reason at all.
66. Answering machines
68. a good nights sleep
69. camping

Monday, May 17, 2004

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Why is it the more I fall in love with n the more afraid become? I have always been so independent. I have always done everything on my own. I can do oil changes on my car and do the brakes. I have my own home and support myself and my children. I am doing very well on my own and I love it. Why am I afraid? Because I am growing more emotionally dependent on him. I am starting to see that I don't need to handle it all on my own. When I was married there was no emotional support at all from my ex. Because of this I just coped on my own. When Girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis and needed physio/occupational/speech therapy I was the one that sat through every doctor's appointment. I was the one that went to the specialist appointments and learned about this disease. When my (other) grandmother died I worked through it on my own. All the difficult times I got through on my own strength. I know now that I can do the tough times. I guess I just don't want to do them alone anymore. The fact is I always wanted the support but I have become stubborn and push vin away at times. Though, as each day passes the front I hold up collapses a little more. I know I need him. I know now that I can do it alone, I just don't want to anymore. It is too lonely. So why am I scared?

Sunday, May 16, 2004

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We took the kidlets to the Children's Festival this morning. First we went to the police station and had a tour there. We saw lots of stuff including the cells, forensics department, serious crimes unit and the drunk tank. (Note-When I was dating Mr. Alcoholic last summer and I called the police to get him out of my home they took him to the drunk tank. I had never seen what the drunk tank looked like before. Anyway, thank God for Al-Anon).
We then went into the city and the kids got their hair sprayed green and orange. They played with hula hoops, learned to juggle and got to see trolls, a very, very tall man and "Plaster Man". Girl-N was afraid of the trolls and the plaster man but did get brave enough to have her picture taken with them. We watched a very funny juggling show as well!

One of those really cool moments happened too. I was talking to some ladies at a booth about a Relay For Life. It is a walk for the Canadian Cancer Society. I was telling them that my Nana passed away last week from Cancer. It turned out one of the ladies there was her Hospice worker. Of course that started me crying but she gave me a big hug and told me what a wonderful person she was. Just one more sign that lets me know Nana is up there watching over me and letting me know everything is o.k.

Question- Is the term "drunk tank" a Canadian term or do American's use it as well?

Friday, May 14, 2004

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I always try to be polite to everyone; even telemarketers. I feel they deserve credit to do a job they likely despise but they do it to put food on the table. But the last call I received pushed the limits. The caller did not stop to take a breath let alone give me a chance to say a single word. The call went something like this...

Good afternoon Ms. Bibitty how would you like a chance to win $250 worth of meat products in our new promotion we have going on in your community all you have to do to enter is answer a few simple questions and you will be eligible you will be asked the question and be asked to rate the products from 1 to 10 1 being the worst and 10 being the best blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

This is the call with me trying to say something...

Good afternoon Ms.Bibitty how would you like a chance to win $250 worth of meat products in our new promotion we have going on in your community (Oh I am sorry I don't do business over the phone.) all you have to do to enter is answer a few simple questions and you will be eligible (I am sorry I am not interested.) you will be asked the question and be asked to rate the products from 1 to 10 1 being (I am not interested.)the worst and 10 being the best (Excuse me.)blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...(click!!!)

I had to hang up on him! I don't have the time and if I did I don't want to spend it listening to some idiot rudely carry on and totally disrespect my wishes!
I was not rude but I did hang up on him. This is the reason telemarketers have a bad name and most people are so rude.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

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a)s w(e loo)k
S a
rIvInG .gRrEaPsPhOs)

This poem has absolutely nothing to do with anything but I like it so you get to read it. It is by e.e. cummings
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I worked again subbing as a teacher's aide today. Worked with a boy with Autism and 2 other children with learning challenges. I just love this type of work and would love to get on full time or at least permanent part-time. I was called again for tomorrow but I think that will be it for awhile.
I have another job interview on Monday for a nurse's aide. I like this type of work too but I don't know what the hours would be. I can only do it during the day as the cost of daycare is so high I would not be making anything after paying the cost. Also, when it comes right down to it, I do not want to be working night shifts and sleeping during the day and never seeing my kids. I have done this before and found it totally physically draining and very boring as well. Usually the client is asleep and I have to stay awake all night long. I am not allowed to watch T.V. and I can only read for so long. In other words...I didn't have a life! My days were spent sleeping and my nights sitting staring at a wall. People always told me they would love a job where you do nothing but believe me, it makes a 12 hour shift seem like 24.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

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After spending way more time than I should trying to get a new look for my blog I decided to keep the pink theme afterall. Most of the templates I liked said I couldn't change them in anyway and being the good law-abiding citizen I am I decided against it. Thanks Katie for you help!

And...Thanks to everyone for your kind words over the last week. It has meant so much and even though you are all strangers it has made this difficult time easier. ((((hugs))))

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I woke up and I am dragging myself around this morning. Very down and in need of a nap. I have to work tomorrow but I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing. Breaking down and crying in front of children is not good but it will hopefully get my mind off things.
I really want to change the look of this site entirely but I don't know how to do it. I found several templates that I like that I downloaded into winzip but I don't know what to do from there. If anyone knows and it is a fairly simple thing to do I would greatly appreciate knowing!
That is all for now. Need to take the kids to school.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

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It has been such a long day. I was up early, unable to sleep. I was trying not to think about what today was as I got myself and the kids ready. I did o.k. until I got to the funeral chapel and saw my aunt. I feel so sad for her. Nana lived with her for the last several years and they were very close.
One thing that was great was seeing all my cousins that I had not seen in years. I grew up with all of them. Four of us were all born within one year. We also all lived in the same neighborhood so as small children we played together almost everyday. I remember even in high school our lockers (being in alphabetical order) were all together. Anyway, we haven't all been together for about 13 years and it was so fantastic to all be together again. I wish it could have been under different circumstances though.
Through all of this in has been my rock. I have gone through the last several days doing alright one moment then crying so hard I can't breathe the next. I always feel so guilty crying in front of him because I feel like I am wasting his time. I am not sure where this "issue" came from but vin just continues to encourage and let me cry it out. I am so in love with him and I know Nana would have been happy knowing that I am now happy after so many years of unhappiness.
So tomorrow life is supposed to go on. I don't know how this is possible but I guess it is one day at time. I will be calling my dad, aunts and uncles lots because it is there that I find Nana. I went for a walk this evening and ended up walking in a part of the neighborhood that Nana walked almost everyday. As I walked along I could smell the ocean and a sense of peace flowing over me. I know she was telling me that she loved me and to go on. She was telling me that I will be ok.

Monday, May 10, 2004

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Well I think I will stick with the flowery pink theme for a while because I set up a web-site for my kids today and it took almost all damn day. My family will like it though so I don't mind.

Nana's funeral is tomorrow. I know I would like to say something about how wonderful she was and how special she was to me but I don't think I can do it. I did get to help plan the funeral, which meant a lot. It was strange; when I was deciding about all the options I was all composed and calm. I made decisions based on what I knew she would like. Afterwards I caved. I did not want to be doing that. A very painful oxymoron.

This is the poem I found for her memorial page.

After Glow

I’d like the memory of me
to be a happy one.
I’d like to leave an after glow
of smiles when life is done.
I’d like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times
and bright and sunny days.
I’d like the tears of those who grieve,
to dry before the sun
of happy memories
that I leave when life is done.

My Nana has left me with so many wonderful memories. Bittersweet memories. Whenever I see Sweet Peas I will think of her colourful garden full of them. I always went home with handfuls of them wrapped in wet paper towel so they wouldn't die. Whenever I see crabs in a tank at the supermarket I will think of the time she bought a crab and felt so bad about dropping it in boiling water she let it live in the kitchen sink. She could hear it clanking around where ever she went in her house.

I am so thankful for remembering her because she will always live on.
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Trying to get my mind on other things so I am giving my blog a new look. I likely won't stick with this flowery pink theme but I am just experimenting.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

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As I thought, I am not at all functioning. The world goes on around me and the pain inside hurts so much. I feel like shouting at the world. Doesn't anyone know that the most wonderful lady I have ever known just died? It has only been two days but it seems like an eternity. The pain gets deeper and more raw by the minute. Sleep is my only escape. I hate that feeling that comes over me when I am supposed to be functioning and I forget for a moment she is gone then it comes back and it flows over me like a sickness.
I wish I could have told her I loved her one more time. I wish I could have felt her arms around me; that comfort of knowing someone has loved me from the day I was born...likely loves me more than I love her. I want to feel again that feeling of total acceptance no matter how much I screw up. I want to hear her voice say one last time "I love you sweetie".

Thursday, May 06, 2004

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My Nana died this afternoon. It hasn't hit me yet and I know in a day or two I will be non-functional. I am going to miss her so much. She was always the "cool" grandma. She smoked and painted her fingernails bright red. She owned a lava lamp and I could talk to her about s#x and drugs. She was always so happy to see me and the kids and we always left with something from her collection of knick-knacks. She sewed most of my kids clothes when they were babies and I made a king size quilt out of the scraps. I am glad she is no longer in pain but I want her here on earth with us.
My heart hurts.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

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I got a job. Sort of. I was called this morning to be a substitute teacher's aide. It would only be as needed when an aide gets sick but at least it is something to put on my resume.

If you are bored click here.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

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I think I have P.M.S. I cried today because Girl-N told me she didn't know why her pants were rolled up. How stupid is that? She said she didn't remember why her pants were rolled up in this really snotty voice and she hurt my feelings. She didn't see me crying. I cried when I got home so I didn't make a total fool of myself. The real issue here? I know she wants to go live with her dad. Who wouldn't want to live in a place where bedtime is 11:00 on a school night and you get doughnuts for breakfast? Who wouldn't want to live in a place where the X-Box is played from the time they get home until bedtime? Who wouldn't want to live in a home where there are no rules and you can be mouthy as you want? Since we separated alomost 2 years ago Boy-W has never had a bath while at his dad's! They don't brush their teeth when they are there!!

I am tired of being the "bad" parent! I am the one that puts them to bed at 8:00 and makes them eat vegetables. I have very clear boundaries around what is allowed and not allowed. I don't even own an X-Box! I am frustrated that he is the hero while I am seen as a drag. It makes me realize even more why I left him. He was so irresponsible when we were married and still is. He can't co-ordinate breathing and taking a piss. It is partly my fault because I had delusions about what married life should be like when we first got married. I felt it was my job as a wife to take care of him. June Cleaver ya know? I made his meals and did his laundry and picked up after him. That sucks period but it sucked even more that I was working 50 hours a week and he was unemployed. I would get home at 6:30 from work and he would still be in his fucking PJ's on the computer! Of course it was "Hi dear! I will start you dinner right away". Well live and learn. I was wrong in a huge way.

So he is still Mr. Irresponsible and I am still getting the shitty end of the stick.
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For All You Moms

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and
cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors...

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked,
"Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and
scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers
who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know
their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour
later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home
from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good Mother anyway?

Is it patience?


Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the
very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again >
in your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and
sleep deprivation...

And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers..

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us

Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can.
Tell them every day that we love them.
And pray.

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