I have been terrible with the updates here and after reading you will know why. Let me start at the beginning.

I started having problems with my heart back in July as most of you know. It has become progressively worse and started to get quite bad at the end of February. The heart specialist told me I needed to quit working. NOW.

I didn't and my heart problems got worse very quickly. I was not able to stand at times and experienced vertigo as well as a resting heart rate of 180 beats per minute. In the beginning of March I could no longer handle it so I had to quit. I have not said anything here because I have been so embarrassed and humiliated. I have never not been able to care for my family.

So now what was I supposed to do? I was feeling fine with a lot of rest and I had obviously a lot of time on my hands. I was able to go meet with girlfriends for tea and enjoy things for the first time in a very long time. I also had time to start dating.

Enter John (not his real name.)

I met him at Plenty of Fish. I had met some men previous to him which ranged from disaster to "nice". When I met John my entire world changed.

You guys, I am in love.

Yes. I said it. How you can fall in love in less than 3 weeks is beyond anything my brain can wrap around but it has happened.

He is the sweetest, kindest most gentle man I have ever known. He has been single for a number of years while he has raised his daughters alone. Last week I was at his house and was so tired I was going to go home but he asked if I wanted to rest there. I fell asleep and do you know what he did? He made me a chocolate cake...from scratch! hee hee

He has very old fashioned values and so far we have not got very far from just kissing. When he kisses me the entire world spins and I totally lose focus of everyone and everything. *sigh* Even thinking about him kissing me sends me reeling.

And here is the thing. My racing heart has slowed down considerably and last week it was the lowest it has been since July of last year. I am so relaxed around him! He totally mellows me out and calms me.

This is good guys. I am so happy. This whole thing is way beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can't stop smiling.

Things on the work front are looking up. I qualify for retraining so things are looking good.

(PS- Thank you to Curtis and Ellen for making me never stop believing that this was possible)

What?? In my dreams maybe!




Thanks Susan for the giggle!

You are going to have to click on this to inbiggen it. This is one of many creations of Girl-N. She made this for me while I was having a bath last night. Notice the label that has been taped to the plate. If you look closely you will notice it is a happy face. Now what more could I ask for? Girl-N is the sweetest.

Let me tell you a short story about Girl-N and her obsession with tape. Ever since she was old enough to use art supplies she has loved two things above all else. Envelopes and tape. She would toddle up to me and look at me with her big chocolaty eyes and say, "May I bowwo a wittle bit of tape pwease?" She also used to use up "embawopes" by the dozen.
As her love for office supplies grew so did her need. I would catch her at my desk pulling off 159 pieces of tape for her latest project. She would stealthily go into my desk and take envelopes as well. It got to the point where I couldn't keep either in the house because Girl-N would find them and use them up.
Last Christmas I thought I figured out a plan. I went to Costco and bought her 16 rolls of tape and a gigantic box of envelopes. I would never again would have to share. Yeah right. She has now started to hoard. She will not use anything from her supply. I continually ask her where the 16 rolls of tape are and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't know. I know they are hidden in the depths of her art desk along with the envelopes.
And just in case you are wondering she still comes up to me and says, "May I borrow a little tape please?" I just hand her the tape dispenser and walk away.

I know it isn't just me who is feeling this way. I am reading in a lot of posts that Spring is coming! Outside my window a crow is calling. I think she is excited about Spring too. I bet she is tired of the rain and wind. She must feel so happy on a day like this. Maybe she found a great big worm in my garden. At any rate, she sounds happy!

Today is our Spring Fling. Today is the day where we go through the house and get rid of old boots, coats and clothes we don't wear. I am getting rid of the tacky Lava Lamp even though I secretly like it. I am going through the bathroom and tossing old make-up and hair products. It isn't a day to clean. It is a day to fling. Everything that can be used will go to charity. Everything that can be recycled with go to the recycling depot. Everything else will be thrown in the garbage.

Anyone want to play? How much junk can you get rid of?

Update - I filled boxes, clear recycling bags and garbage bags. I think I likely got rid of close to 100 pounds of junk today! Isn't that insane? (This place isn't called My Insanity Written in a Blog for nothing!) It took a good part of the day. Tomorrow will be more purging of crap and putting everything I have decided to keep back where it belongs.

Look! Look at the wonderful gift I received in the mail today! Do you know how long I have wanted this? Thank you Jill. I have seen this woman grow in leaps and bounds. Thanks you for being a part of my world Jill.

And..

While walking around Value Village this afternoon I found these guys on DVD. $4.00! I love a deal. (OK I am cheap.) Wanna come over to my place and laugh?

Good things came in threes today. I have been smiling since lunch. And that is all I am going to say about that.

I remember my mom telling me that she remembers when JFK was shot. I remember wondering why that event would make a difference in her life. I thought it more odd that she would remember exactly where she was when she found out. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just try to forget.

I know I will never forget where I was when I heard about the Challenger and Princess Diana. I will never forget the images that were played over and over on the TV. Sometimes I wish they could be erased from my mind. I also remember 9/11. I know where I was. Where were you? I would be surprised if you told me you didn't remember. We all have the same movie of the second plane that will plays over in our minds.

Now that my kids are getting older I wonder what events will be a part of their lives. I don't even want to guess. I want them to know about resiliency and that though these events cause our spirits to crumble for a time, they also cause us to unify and we gain strength through our unity.

I have been honored by the people that God has put in my life to pull me through periods of personal grief. I have deeper friendships because of them and thankful for these events because they have caused a greater good.

Don't let me ever forget the bad times. I am stronger because I have fallen.

Why I am a Bad Parent

Has your child ever said something so shocking that you couldn't help but laugh? First let me say I am a very strict parent and expect both of my kids to be very respectful of adults. They use the terms Mr. and Mrs. When they meet an adult the are expected to stand up and greet the person and shake hands. They are not to interrupt. They say, please, thank you and excuse me. So when my child brazenly cuts down an adult I am supposed to become serious and discipline the child appropriately. Yes. I am.

Tonight my son was telling me about his substitute teacher. As we were chatting he lowered his voice and said,

"She's an old bag".

I just stared. If he had told me his teacher did handsprings while playing a ukulele I could not have been more shocked. And then I started to laugh. I gasped between the laughter and double checked that I heard properly. (I had.) I had to go into the bathroom where he heard me double over in fits of laughter. It was so funny! OK, I know it wasn't. But it was. (I did eventually tell him how disappointed I was but I think the lesson was lost.)

I am feeling better today than yesterday. I am working on the One Day at a a Time principal. Today is my day off so I slept in, got up and had something to eat then went to have a nap! After I got up I did 30 minutes of cardio and now I am back at the computer.

You know what is strange about losing weight for me this time? I think one of the big reasons I am doing so well is it is the only thing I can control right now. I can control what goes into my body and how much I exercise. I am physically feeling better and this week I got rid of two pairs of my "fat pants". I am now at a healthy Body Mass Index. I still have a way to go but I am headed in the right direction. For the first time I am using food in a healthy way to deal with my depression. In the past I would eat anything that was set before me and lots of it. I sometimes still crave the junk but now I have way smaller portions and less often.

I have been called for a job interview but I don't know much about it at this point. It has to be a step up financially and I have to be happy doing it. I am trusting God on this one. I am sure He doesn't want me to be continued to receive the abuse I currently am receiving at my current job.

I am off to read a magazine and see if dinner somehow magically appeared in the oven.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish I could just be happy. I am told by everyone that happiness is a choice but I just seem to go further into depression. I feel like I have so much against me. My mom is terminal. I am broke and at a job that I hate. My daughter's future is uncertain. I am tired all the time because something is wrong with my heart but I don't know what it is yet. Quite honestly, if it wasn't for my kids I would not want to go on. I cry all the time. I am tired of hurting. I used to be such a positive person and so happy. But now I wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to.

I try to come up with positive posts so I am not such a drag all the time but I can't seem to come up with much.

I miss my mom because I can't go visit her while she is getting chemo. Each day I wake up and wait again to go to bed. Sleep is my only escape right now.

I just want all this pain to be over and to smile again.

Not much going on this week. I have been coming up empty when it comes to posts. Nothing in my head. Nada.

I see the specialist on Monday regarding my (always) racing heart. Work still sucks very badly and I am just putting in time. I am sure even the bosses see how little my heart is in the job. I still do my job well and finish all the work that comes before me but I have lost my smile and often end up in the bathroom choking back tears.

I went to the Maple Sugar Festival last Sunday and had a blast. I kind of thought it was going to be a huge drag because well, it is french. I know. I am Canadian and it isn't very patriotic of me but if you are Canadian you might understand. Anyway, it turned out to be a lot of fun and we will be going again next year. It has renewed my faith in French Canadians.

Not much else is going on. I have a sore throat and think I am getting a cold. I don't mind because it gives me an excuse to slow down and sleep.

I have lost 14 pounds now and got rid of two pairs of my fat pants this week. That felt great. People are also commenting on how I look and that is nice too.