First let me say thank you to all of you for your great comments. I wish I had the chance to meet all of you in person.

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Good news about my mom. Her first scan is not showing any signs of cancer. Granted this is the first test but it is still good news!

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Work has been work. Everyone is back from holidays so we are working with a full staff again. Part of my job is the filing. I just finished the filing from July and now I have to start August. If you read this anytime between 8:30 and 4:40 PST know I am going insane putting client files into alphabetical and numerical order. Ahhhhh!!!!

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I think I have come to the conclusion that I have no freaking idea what I want. Last week I was crying the blues about being lonely and this week I am loving the single life again. Granted last week I had PMS and this week Aunt Flo is here. I never want men around when Aunt Flo is here. She is crabby and doesn't want to be touched. She wants to go to bed early and doesn't want to freaking snuggle! Just give her a nice back rub and leave her the hell alone already! Give her some fucking Midol! Now! Anyway. I don't know what I want. Except chocolate. I want chocolate.

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I forgot to tell you. I decided to go on a doing dishes strike. I bought 250 paper plates and 150 plastic cups. (I rinse and recycle them!) I won't be doing anymore dishes for at least 2 weeks. I don't mind the pots & pans because the are easy. My kids go through 30 cups a day and I was sick of standing over a hot sink after work in the heat. I am actually enjoying it so much I may just keep doing this. More time with my kids and less time over a sink! How wrong can that be?

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To commenter about needing some Chicago! Bring it on!

Wondering away from myself. When I started this blog I never even new about the comments. I had been writing a journal for a couple years and found blogger. I decided to change my journal to this forum. In the beginning I wrote about what I wanted. It was my outlet and I never wrote for my readers. Somewhere along the way it changed and I started writing knowing there were people out there reading my thoughts and feelings so I changed my writing to suit. I wish I hadn't because writing is therapy for me. Don't get me wrong. Most of you have been there for some really tough moments the last year and half and I consider some of you to be friends and kindred spirits. It is just somewhere I started getting guarded. When my posts started getting fewer and farther between the last 2 months it was because I felt I shouldn't be writing about how depressed I have been feeling.

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So what has really been going on these last 2 months? Here is where I lose my readers but I just don't care anymore because I need to write.

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I live in a daily fear that I am going to lose my mom. I can't even visit her anymore. I feel like if I stay away it won't hurt as much when she dies. And I know the absurdity of these thoughts. I know it won't hurt less. It is going to be the worst pain I have ever known but I still can't bring myself to go see her. And I miss her so fucking much. I just want my mom back! And I don't want to hear shit about God knowing what is best and His plan. I can't deal with it. And then I feel like a real shit because I know she needs me. I just can't seem to bring myself to be an adult in this situation. I want her to take care of me! I can't believe how selfish my thoughts and feelings are. I am ashamed of myself.

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I am also tired of being the single parent. My kids go to a school where all the parents are very well off and are all still together. I am a single mom struggling to make it. Most of these families aren't even dual-income! They just have a dad that makes a shit load of money while the mom stays at home. I can't relate to these people. They own these beautiful enormous homes while I live in my shitty condo with stained carpets.
Along with the single parent is the never-ending fatigue. I am always so tired. My place is always messy because I don't have the time to clean it. If I do have the time I don't have the energy. It is also lonely at times. Actually it is lonely a lot of the time.

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And to top it all off I have been having feelings for guy I work with. What's wrong with that? He is married. He is unhappily married but married is still fucking married! I will say he was the one that pursued me but I followed the dangling carrot willingly. He and I have a great connection. We have so much fun together and I know if...but he is fucking married! And I am a freaking loser for flirting with and having feelings of a married man. What kind of woman have I become? He still calls me and wants to get together and I don't answer the phone. I have asked him not to call. I have told him I can't "go there" with him but I think about him all the time.

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So there ya have it folks. My reasons for not posting much the last 2 months.

I got Chinese food tonight. This is what my fortune cookie said. "That special someone may simply be waiting for you." How cool is it to look at it from that point of view?

A (shitty) Haiku on how I feel.

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Searching. Looking. Him.

Time to give up the hunt now.

No more. Time to stop.

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I went to Costco today and spent too much money on things I really needed. I bought a toaster oven because my last one was heating up to about 700 degrees. I also bought a new shower head because the one I had was leaking. I didn't really need the three pack DVD's of Ghost, What Women Want and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days but I wanted it and it was only $19.99!

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Interesting Things I Saw at Costco.

1. Two young men looking at condoms and discussing the merits of each. When they noticed me trying not to smile they walked away.
2. A man hugging a pair of jeans with a great big smile on his face
3. Christmas decorations. (In August!)
4. A lady giving out squirts of hand lotion. When I said, "No thank you" she looked like she was going to cry.
5. The Costco Nazi.

(click link)

Hey y'all. Please go over to Colleen's blog and give her a hug and some words of encouragement. She has dealt with a grief greater than any of us could imagine and has now dealt with another loss. She is hurting and needs someone to reach out to her.

He (himself, the cat) decided on Norbert.

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Update-

I am not sure how he named himself...he just did. Besides, cats can get very cocky and I figured a name like Norbert will prevent this from happening. How can one be pious and conceited with a name like Norbert?

A Cat and a Camera

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I see my audience is very clever and I was not able to put one over on you!

Yes. I did get a cat. I had to take my last cat back to the Humane Society because he was biting and scratching my kids. They would just be sitting watching TV or reading a book and Angus would come flying in from another room and bite. He bit my daughter on the face twice. Being of the belief that a pet is for life we really tried to make it work but he continued his behaviour. I knew it was time to take him back when my kids would not even walk through the house anymore.

So we traded him in for a kitten. I have never had a kitten before because I have always felt that it is the older cats that needs a home. However, I thought that if we got a kitten this time it could be trained how we want it to. We have already introduced him to our dog neighbors and taken him for car rides.

So without further adieu, I introduce...

CAT!

No, he does not have a name yet. I take a long time to name my pets because they have to like the name too. We have narrowed it down to 2 names. George or Norbert. Cast your vote!

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As you can see I also got a camera. This is my first big purchase since I separated from my ex 3 years ago. I have never really had something that was all mine that I had saved, bought and paid for. When I was married I always had to "ask" to buy things. Anyway, this is very exciting. Now I just need to learn how to use it!

On Streptococcal Bacteria and How Evil it is!

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Still freaking sick. Throat sore and I have been on antibiotics for 6 days. I had yesterday off and got two new things but I will save the posts for when I am feeling better.

Hint- One is furry and has whiskers and mews.

The other is used to take pictures of the furry thing that has whiskers and mews.

On Streptococcal Bacteria Ruining A Perfectly Good Week!

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I have been taking my antibiotics even though they make me want to hurl. I have been sleeping and drinking plenty of fluids. And yet I still feel like crap! I dragged my sweaty nauseated ass to the grocery store because all I had left in the house was water. After 3 minutes I had to leave again. I had called in sick this morning and the boss was very nice about it but I can't help thinking how much work I am going to have to get caught up on. I have all the filing from July which I should have done by now but haven't even started! Bah, I am just going to go to bed and be sweaty and gross and get it over with. You win Streptococcal Bacteria. I hope you are satisfied. I am looking forward to a fucking yeast infection next week because I always get one when taking antibiotics and I forgot to get acidolpholous (sp?)! Damn you Streptococcal Bacteria!

On Streptococcal Bacteria Ruining a Perfectly Good Day Off

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I had been feeling unwell this last week but still managed to go to work, walk 10, 000 steps a day (about 7 K), ride my bike, play soccer, go to the beach for a swim, hike and take the kids to the park every night.

Until yesterday. I had gone to work and worked all day but could barely make it into my house I was feeling so lousy. I decided to give in and go to the doctor. He said I had a severe case of Strep Throat and discussed at length about making sure I finish my antibiotics and resting . I always finish antibiotics but resting sucks! My body forces me to rest today because I am dehydrated and have a fever and I can't stand-up but I wanna go outside and playyyyyyyy! (sniffle) Sick is only ever fun if there is a s#xy man around willing to play doctor. But alas. There is not.

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On the Diet

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Going well. Lost 4 pounds in about 3 weeks. I had started earlier but like anything I do I research the hell out of it before I actually tackle it. Three weeks ago I decided to walk at least 10, 000 steps a day and running when I can. The weight is coming off ever slowly but it is coming off right. I have battled weight for years and lost 60 pounds about 4 years ago. I had put about 20 of that on and am now taking it off again.

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Did You Know?

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It takes me walking 7 days a week, an hour and a half a day at a fast pace to lose one pound? I have to burn 3, 500 calories to shed a lousy pound! Did you further know I can ingest that many calories at one trip to a fast food restaurant? It makes me pay very careful attention to what I eat because I don't want it to take almost 11 hours of walking to burn off one meal.

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Back to Bed

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I just read this post and it doesn't make sense at some parts but I don't feel well enough to fix it. Sleep is calling.

On Living With Poor Life Choices

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I won't go into great detail on the choices I made but let me just say that the reason I had been away led me to making a wrong decision. Not the end of the world stuff where I am left unable to function but more just left feeling really sad...and lonely. And I saw it coming. Yes, it involved a man. How did you ever guess? But my lack of thinking the situation out has taught me a lot about myself the last month or so. And the good thing about poor life choices is they lead me closer to that woman I know is inside of me. She has already broken free in so many areas but there is a still part of her that is "needy". It is a most unattractive quality isn't it? Then again where do needy and the need to love and be loved collide? Let's face it. I want to meet my soulmate; my best friend. I want to feel loved and show it too. I don't want what the movies have but I certainly know I want what Jezzy and Curtis & Ellen have. We are not talking romantic sunbursts but true love and commitment. Too much to ask? I think not. In fact I know it is not!

Tell me what you think. Are you jaded and believe it is all bullshit? Are you romantic to the core and believe that you are going to be swept off your feet? ( I also believe that one day I am going to sweep him, that unknown stranger, off his feet!) I know I am mostly jaded but there is a small corner that is in my heart that believes it will happen one day.