I don't know where to even start this post. I haven't felt this low and sad for such a long time. I won't go into details of what happened because that will just make me feel worse. I am feeling so totally useless, fat, ugly and rejected. I keep crying and feel like I have lost my way. I hate this feeling because it is so hard to get out of it.

To top it off I keep having there dreams that my nana is alive and know she is going to die and I have no power to stop it. I wake up crying and missing her so much. It has been almost 2 years since she died and I am not any closer to accepting her death than when she died. If anything it hurts more. I miss her more now. I don't know what to do.

I have been a bad blogging friend! I have not visited any blogs this week. My office is moving this week and I have been coming home tired. Will try to catch up this weekend.

Yesterday the little man went to a concert to celebrate Mozart's 250th birthday. He had a blast and came home telling little girl and me all about Mozart. He was very fascinated that Mozart was born 250 years ago this month.

This morning while driving the kids to school I heard little girl's small voice from the back seat of the car, "Was Mozart alive when you were a kid, Mama?"

Thought you would enjoy that. I laughed until I had tears running down my face!

I am feeling angry and tired. I am angry that my kids dad does not do homework with them but leaves it for me to do. I am angry that he gets to have all the fun with the kids while I have to be the drag that makes them do homework. He never feeds them supper either but fills them up on candy, gum and pop.
I am mostly angry with myself that I get impatient with them because I get burnt out. I know they would rather be with him.

Who would you rather be with?

#1 parent - Let's you eat candy and doesn't have a bedtime. You get to go to the park and ride bikes. You don't even have to brush your teeth! You get to play video games (even the one's that say 14a on them) for as many hours as you want. You get to eat out at Wendy's and Burger King! You never have to do homework.

#2 parent - This parent is always tired when she comes home. You are expected to do dishes and clean up after yourself. Bedtime is 8:30 and you must do your homework. This parent makes you brush your teeth and put away your own laundry. You are not allowed to leave your coat and shoes on the ground but must hang them up. You have chores like dishes and dusting. She doesn't believe in video games and the doesn't even have cable. You only get to watch a DVD after all of your chores and homework is done.

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I am not stupid. I know they prefer him to me.

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I am turning off comments for this post because I am not looking for a pat on the back and to hear that I am doing a good job. I know that I am not. I just needed to write.

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to freak me out. The guys at work have taken it upon themselves to try to scare the life out of me and they are failing miserably. Another failed attempt happened yesterday. One of the guys found a dead rat on a palate. He put it in a clear baggy and brought it to me. He first had all the guys watching from afar while he brought it to my desk. He expected me to freak out and scream but I did the opposite. I wanted to see it! I was intrigued! Disappointed, he waked away but I followed him because I wanted to see it! I disappointed him terribly.

Warning. I am grouchy.

I am so blahed out. I am not just in a blogging slump but a January slump. I barely made it out of my jammies today. I shuffled around. Made a list of housework. Stared at the list. Shuffled around some more.

I did get everything done on the list but it took me all day. I noticed a grey hair sticking straight out of my head. Nice. I pulled it out and stared at it then threw it in the garbage. Shuffled around some more in bathrobe and slippers. (Dressed underneath bathrobe but my house is cold and I am too cheap thrifty to turn on the heat.)

To add to the excitement of the day I am making eggs and hash browns for supper. That is it.

And another thing. Flylady is pissing me off! I don't want to shine my sink and quit sending me so many damn e mails!

{sigh}

iaminabloggingslump

At what point in my life did I start wanting to go to bed at 8:00? I am so tired and just want to sleep! I don't want to go to bed too early because then I will wake around midnight and be up all night then drag my ass tomorrow. Anyway...I am tired and I haven't been visiting blogs and saying hello. Will be back on track soon I hope.

I did order that poster there on my profile picture and this. I can't wait to get them framed and put up. One step closer to being a single crazy cat lady! Meow!

Update - I just thought of something else weird about me. I have lived in the same building for over 11 years and just tonight, for the first time I went to the other side's parking garage and only because my daughter wanted to know what it looked like. (It looked weird!)

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I have been tagged twice (Adrienne and Jill) for this meme so here goes.

List 5 weird personal habits/traits and then tag 5 people when you're done. Be sure to link to their websites.

1. I am a very patient and kind person but when I am driving my alter ego comes alive. I yell and shout swear words at other drivers and have been known to give the bird. Nothing makes me more angry than drivers that drive on the offense, speed, tailgate, cut me off, won't let me into a lane and put the lives of others at risk. When I get out of the car all is roses and sunshine again.

2. I love skim milk. If it is not in the house I feel like something is missing. I won't drink any other type of milk except skim. Ever.

3. I hate, hate, hate using public restrooms. If I must use one I will not touch anything with my bare hands. I use paper towel. I open the door with my foot, I lock the stall with toilet paper, I flush the toilet with my foot and open the door again with toilet paper. I then turn the taps on with paper towel and wash my hands and dry them. I will then turn off the taps with paper towel. I then open the door with paper towel. If there is not a garbage near by I throw it on the floor. I simply cannot bring myself to touch anything. At work I won't touch anything with my bare hands either. I won't use an outhouse unless I am going to have an accident. Outhouses give me panic attacks.

4. I like bugs and snakes! A few years ago I was terrified of them until I went to the Bug Zoo. Before going I would always kill bugs and spiders and freak out if I saw a snake. Since going I adore these little critters and see how important they are to the world. When I am at home and see a big spider I either chat with it for a few minutes then let it be or I release it outside. I don't kill bugs anymore.

5. I can't watch TV. I think it is very boring and I get antsy if I have to watch it. I don't understand why people get all excited about TV! I disconnected my cable a few years back and never missed it. I get 2 channels now and have a really hard time sitting through an entire program. If I am watching TV I have to be doing something else like cross stitch at the same time.

If you want to do this consider yourself tagged!

Did I get to bed early last night? Bwahahahahaha! It was after midnight before I got to bed. Why do I do that to myself?

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I have started to work on my list of 43 Things. So far I have 13.

Buy a alto recorder and learn to play it.
Go back to Al Anon
complain less
Fall in love
Lose 30 pounds
learn to type without looking at my hands
Use rebounder daily
have more patience with my children.

clean under my bed
clean out my fridge
get a dishwasher
stick to my FLYLADY routines

eat more vegetables

Do you have any goals you are working on?

Back to work today and it wasn't too bad. Everyone was happy to have me back. I really didn't want to work today but I have adjusted my attitude and don't mind being back. I will say that I would rather be working 30 hours a week instead of 40. I want to have more time with my kids but this is my choice in being a single mom. It's all good! But am I ever tired today! Will go to bed early tonight.

I took our tree down yesterday and packed up all the decorations for another year. It is nice to have my home back in order. Not that it ever is in order. It is usually pretty messy. During my time off I have implemented some new ideas to get the kids doing more for themselves. I posted these on the wall because I am tired of saying the same thing over and over and over...

Being the tyrant that I am I have my kids (8 & 9) make their own school lunches but I discovered that they will just fill their lunch box with granola bars.

Is there anything that you have implemented in your home that make s life easier? I am open to suggestions!

Norbert's Pechant for Milk

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I am such a party animal. I had the ultimate New Year's Bash and...stayed home. I didn't do a thing. Well, I did make my tasty chicken wings and forced myself to stay up until midnight but other than that I didn't do anything more exciting than the laundry.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to get my ass back to Al Anon. I realized over Christmas that I am still reacting in ways that are not healthy. I had an alcoholic parent and I was not given the proper tools to deal with my life. ( Let me stress that I am not blamimg my parent. He did his best and I love him very, very much. He could not give me the right tools to deal with life because he didn't have them for himself.) I have learned a lot of healthier ways of coping and dealing with people through Al Anon but I have so far to go. I had stopped going to meetings because they all start at 8:00 and my kids go to bed at 8:00. Fortunately, I have found a meeting that meets in the afternoon on my day off.

I am going back to work on Wednesday and I am trying to be grateful for a job that I enjoy and a really nice group of co-workers but I am just not ready to go back. I will take my holidays over Christmas again next year but it is by no means a restful holiday. I don't want to go back. I feel like crying.