Interview questions from Joe.

1) Your mother is currently in a serious health battle during which you have become the glue that appears to be holding the family together. What is one 'small' thing you would like to give your mom if you could?

There is so many things I would like to give her but can't. I try to keep her house clean, laundry caught up and her bed changed with fresh sheets. I also try to be there for my dad so he can have a break away an afternoon or two a week. I guess a lot of the time I don't feel like I can do anything so I just try to do the small stuff. Right now I am working on a great big basket full of messages of love for her. All of her friends have e mailed me with a special message. I have taken them and changed them into individual scrolls rolled up into lengths of coloured ribbon. I have collected over 120 so far. I will give them to her this Sunday. I guess the one gift I want to give her is letting her know how much she is loved.
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2) Your site is named for your Nana, tell us about one special memory of her that makes you happy.

Actually my site is named after the Serenity Prayer. I think I had a picture up once that I labeled Nana's Sweet Peas and I guess that is where the confusion is. I named my site while after going through a difficult major change in my life where I just needed to trust that God would not leave me. As for my Nana, every memory I have of her is special. She was an amazing lady who was very devoted to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She used to grow Sweet Peas in her yard and would always send me home with huge bouquets of them wrapped up in wet paper towel and plastic. Sweet Peas remind me of Nana.
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3) Your children are a big part of your life. If you could, what advice would you give your daughter? And your son? (yes, I realize that is two questions, but hey, I like to include all of you.

I want both my kids to learn the importance of being a humanitarian. I want them to love and reach out to the less fortunate. So as for advice I would tell them to never miss out on an opportunity to be a blessing in someone else's life.
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4) You have a special remembering for Groundhog day, there were flowers I believe.... ;) so, tell us what you'd like to do for him for a special day.

Groundhog Day 2004 was the day my boyfriend and I met. If I had the means I would take him to meet the 2 remaining Beatles. I think it would be fun to see Punxsutawney Phi. (I know lame answers but I have a lousy imagination!)
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5) Your work is not usually something included in your daily Yay, what would be your dream job (aside from the full time job of parenting.)?

I have several dream jobs and they are certainly not doing what I am presently doing. I think ideally I would work for hospice or with mentally challenged adults. Basically I would love to be doing any job helping the part of society that has been ignored or pushed aside. I used to be a nurse's aide for Alzheimer's patients. I miss doing that a lot.

Gaggle O' Cousins

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On a cold February morning 34 years ago my aunt announced she was pregnant. The family rejoiced. I guess my other aunt thought it was a good idea because two months later she announced she too was pregnant. Then a month later my mom decided that she needed to follow suit and became pregnant with me. That same month her sister decided that pregnant was a good thing. Four women expecting babies all within 3 months with each other. What a hormone fest that must have been! Aunt one has her baby (a boy) then promptly found out breastfeeding doesn't prevent pregnancy. She became pregnant again. Poor woman.

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Because of this baby marathon I have 4 cousins that were all born within 6 months of me. We grew up close. We didn't need friends because there was always a cousin to play with. For added benefit we all lived within a few blocks of each other. And did we have fun! Going into the bookcase part of the sectional couch and spinning each other around was fun. Riding Heidi the St. Bernard. (OK...this may seem ridiculous but it just occurred to me while typing that Heidi must have been a girl dog. Why did it take me 34 years to clue into the dead give away for a name? I always thought he was a boy. But I digress.) We collected snakes, jumped on the beds and messed up bedrooms. Talent shows and tea parties and feeding the cousins (that came along later) dog food. Maybe we never actually fed him dog food but he ate it and we laughed our 4 year old asses off. What better encouragement? Where were our parents at this time? Laughing there asses off in the kitchen over cigarettes and coffee. (They didn't know the dangers of 2nd hand smoke in the early 70's.) Respite from all the kids was a welcome break I am sure.

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Cousin # 1. Brother to cousin # 5. Instigator to cousin # 6 eating dog food.

Cousin # 2 With funny laugh.

Cousin # 3. Me.

Cousin # 4. Not as much fun as cousin # 2.

Cousin # 5. Brother to cousin # 1. Instigator to bookcase rides.

Cousin # 6. Usually protected by his sister, not-so-fun cousin # 4

Cousin # 7. Dog food eating cousin.

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Notice we are all eating out of bowls? I think we were allowed forks just for the picture because the mom of cousin # 1 and 5 still hands out spoons to anyone under 35. I know this would have ended up in a food fight. Cousin # 1 would have flung food at not-so-fun cousin # 4. Oh how we would laugh!

Bloggers block continues. I think I am getting sick. Everyone at work has had the flu but has been coming in to spread their germs all over the place. I managed to hold out but tonight I have a sore throat. I will attempt to will it away. I can't get sick because I have to be able to go to my mom and dad's at least every other day and I can't do that if I am sick. People on chemotherapy have very weak immune systems and my mom could get whatever I may have.

Joe has sent me some interview questions that I will work on this week. The brain is tired so I don't have the mental capacity to think the questions through. I will get them up though. Promise!

Since I have Bloggers block here is my 2 cents on Karen Schiavo. My thoughts are scattered so this is going to be all over the place.

I am saddened that a woman is lying there being allowed starve to death. We have taken the word of one man. He is an adulterer. He cheated on her with two different women when she first became ill. This is not a loving husband. Sorry. No two ways around that one. Whether or not she is in a vegetative state to me is irregardless. I had a cousin that stopped breathing when he was an infant. He lived until he was 16. His entire life he never uttered the word "mother" or was able to feed himself. He never took a single step. He wore diapers and lived with the need for around the clock care. I remember being told that he was a "vegetable". Should he have allowed to be starve to death? I don't think so. All it would have taken is his for his caregivers to stop feeding him. Remember a few months ago the case where a couple of foster parents were found to be starving their children? How is this different? If in fact they have proven Karen would have wanted this, why not give her the narcotics to allow her to die quickly? It is being done all the time now. A patient chooses to die and they are given a lethal dose of pills. He/she goes to sleep and dies. Why is this not being done? In my opinion it has not been proven that this is what she would have wanted.

Daily YAY!

Flannel P.J.'s YAY!

I have bloggers block. Nothing to say!

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It was my birthday last month. I was given some money from my grandpa and parents and have been trying to decide the best way to spend it. I am a pay bills with birthday money kind of person. I still feel guilty but I bought a scanner last night. I pulled out some of my pictures to try it out and came across this one. It is one of my favourites.

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It is a gorgeous sunny day here on my island. We are going to go to the park and have a picnic. My kids woke me up at 7:30. 7:30! I so wanted to sleep in a little but they had other plans. I shut my bedroom door not realizing Angus was in there. He didn't want me to sleep either. He kept walking around and around my head purring loudly. I tried to pretend I was asleep so he wouldn't expect me to scratch his neck but he was on to me. He went on to biting my toes through the blankets. In the living room I could hear Girl-N screaming at Boy-W for taking the money that the Tooth Fairy gave her last night. That girl has lost 3 teeth in the last 3 weeks and the Fairy has run out of change. She will have to dig in the couch for the next wiggly one.

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Today's Nonsense Poem

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Alligator pie, alligator pie,

If I don't get some I think I'm gonna die.

Give away the green grass, give away the sky,

But don't give away my alligator pie.

Alligator stew, alligator stew,

If I don't get some I don't know what I'll do.

Give away my furry hat, give away my shoe,

But don't give away my alligator stew.

Alligator soup, alligator soup,

If I don't get some I think I'm gonna droop.

Give away my hockey stick, give away my hoop,

But don't give away my alligator soup.

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Daily YAY!

Getting to spend a whole day with my two best friends. My kids! YAY!

Went here today. If you ever get to Vancouver Island make sure you check out Coombs. They have a market there with goats that live on the roof! It is a market in the middle of nowhere that is very hippy-like in atmosphere. I remember my parents taking me when I was a kid and now I take my own children. I bought a large Jade plant that my dad broke down for me into several smaller plants. I gave one to an old lady as we were walking in to my building. Jade plants remind me of my grandpa. He used to have them everywhere. I also bought a very nifty hat for when I shave my head. I am trying to get a small collection together so I don't sunburn my head.

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Several of you have commented on look of my blog for this week. I got this weeks picture of of Google images. I get all my pictures from there. I just type in key words and browse until I find something I like. I usually have to edit it but they are not my own.

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Today's Nonsense Poem

Please Don't Kill My Antelope

Please don't kill my antelope,
He hasn't bothered you.
He hasn't kicked you in the shin
Or spit inside your shoe.
He hasn't bitten off your nose
Or stomped on your rear end.
Please don't kill my antelope,
My antelope's my friend.

By Rick Walton

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Cleaned my mom and dad's place today. My mom is doing well but she has totally lost all of her hair. My readers over 50 will chuckle at the fact that it is still alive and well on her face though! *snort*

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Daily YAY!

My Family. Nuff said. YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

Do you know what I did yesterday? I burnt my ear with my curling iron. Now it feels like the entire side of my head is burnt. It hurts a lot and I usually have a high pain threshold. Argh!

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Angus is meowing over and over and over again. I think he is bored with his life.

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It is just after 7:00 and the sun just went down. It is SPRING here on Vancouver Island! It was warm and sunny all day today. I managed to get away from my desk for about 1/2 an hour today on the pretence of moving things from one part of the building to another. I got to spend some time outside and it was glorious! The sky was a beautiful blue. I feel bad for all of you that are still having snow. :( Ick.

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Nonsense Poem

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.

Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy

was he?

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Daily Yay!

I don't work tomorrow! YAY! and double YAY!

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Not to take away from the Daily Yay! but my freaking ear HURTS!!!

I was so sleepy earlier I was falling asleep at 8:30 and now I am wide awake. What's up with that?

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I have discovered that he bites. Hard. He scratches too. I think he is still full of rage over the fact that cats in our house get a bath once a month. I gave him one on Sunday. I think cats are full of spite and revenge. If it was a dog that acted this way he would be put down but when it is a cat we love them their nasty little hearts more.

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Another Nonsense Poem

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A flea and a fly in a flue

Were trapped, what could they do?

'Let us fly' said the flea

Said the fly 'Let us flee'

So they flew through a flaw in the flue

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Daily YAY!

I used to be terrified of snakes. ( I am talking frozen in fear, vertigo, nausea and a full blown panic attack.) I am not anymore. I actually like them now. YAY!

It is most definitely SPRING here in the Pacific Northwest. Though rainy, very, very rainy, it is warm . We have laid aside the warm winter coats and are opting for rain coats and boots. I love the spring. I think the whole idea behind spring is what I love. The old being renewed. A new start. We all need a new start don't we?

Work was boring today. All the fun people were out of the office. It has been decided that I will get to work in a different department so I can learn the job for when the guy doing it now goes on holidays. (Was that a run-on sentence?) Yay! (Though not the Daily Yay!) I love learning new things.

Daily Yay!

Having a hot bath and getting into fresh sheets when I am tired. I love my bed! I have a blanket on it made from all the scraps of my kids baby clothes. You can sort of see it here. Well that is actually a lousy picture. I love that blanket. It is 100% cotton and each square is a memory. YAY!

Hair today, Gone Tomorrow. You all know where this is going right? I went over to my mom and dad's today. My mom woke up this morning to discover that not only was her hair falling out but apparently her eyelashes were too. She started to cry and when my dad asked her why she was crying she said it was because she was ugly. She has a cry and went to lay down. She awoke later still feeling very sad and went to sit in the living room. She looked at my dad and he had shaved his head for her. (She started to cry again.) Only he didn't do a very good job of it. He looked like Bozo the clown.
My mom called me to bring my clippers. I arrived and almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. Bless his intentions but he looked hilarious. We plugged the clippers in and the kids and I all had a go at his head. My boyfriend who is also bald showed him how to keep his head nice and smooth.
All the while this is being done my mom and I were chatting about her hair falling out in clumps and she decided to go for a head shave as well. I did it for her. I didn't go bald. About Sinead O'Connor. My mom looked beautiful. She has these large aquamarine coloured eyes that sparkle and honestly I have never her seen her more alive and stunning.
As I have said before I will shave my head June 11 to raise money for the cancer Society. No matter what though. I can never look as beautiful as my mom did today.

Daily Yay! The little toys that my son gives me whenever he has a Kindersurprise toy he likes. I just have to say that I think it is cute and he gives it to me. I have a whole desk full of them. I am thankful for his beautiful and giving nature. Yay!

A Poem by Me

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Work. Shmerk.

My boss is a jerk.

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by Barbara

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What kind of boss gives an employee Wednesday and Sunday off? Am I expected to do well when I have such ridiculous days off? A good part of my job is filing. It is hard to put things in alphabetical or numerical order when one is tired. Today I had to go through a pile of papers at least a foot high and catergorize them. Near the end I knew I was not sorting them to the correct piles but I didn't care. In the end I just left them on my desk. I will sort them correctly tomorrow. And on Monday there will be more crap to file. The crazy thing is I really do like what I do. I love the clients for the most part. I like filing. I like things that are methodical because I know I can't screw it up. I just want two days off in a row!

My mom called me and she was laughing like a crazy woman. I asked her what was so funny and she said, "Do you want to know what I am doing right now?" (more laughter) "I am pulling my hair out by the handful and throwing it in the garbage!" She continues to laugh but something inside me hurt. I couldn't laugh. I mean it's my mom. She has always had such nice thick curly hair. I have never seen my mom with short hair. Not once. I am scared to go there and see her bald. I know it is a small price to pay for wellness and healing. I just don't feel grateful. I feel vulnerable and frightened. This whole experience has made me scared to death. I feel like a child and all I want is my mama. I want to help her and I can't. I hate cancer. It is so fucking ruthless and insidious. I know I always say that I will not capitalize the word cancer because I don't want to give it power. How I really feel is like I am cowering under this evil monster that is glaring down at me and I am small and helpless. I feel like I am waiting for it to strike at me via my mom.

I have hated my life the last few weeks. So many of you have said that I am strong but in reality I sit here at my computer each night as I post and cry. I feel like a fake; a fraud! If you only could see my heart. I feel like I have lied to each of you in a way. That is so not my intention. I just know I am not strong. I'm not.

Sometimes the Daily Yay! is very difficult. However today's Daily Yay! is the many fantastic people I work with. The lady who has her desk beside mine who is always there to listen and answer my millions of questions. The guy that works waaaaaay on the other side of the building that always tries to scare me and always greets me with a "Helooooooooo" . The guy who thinks it is funny as hell when he comes in and I say "Oh, it's only you". (He steals my pens too. I know it is him!) The guy that walks around saying things purposely that make me laugh my ass off. The other dude that always stops at my desk to chat. The lady upstairs that cried with me when I told her my mom had cancer. The manager that provides me with my daily carb fix by having candy at her desk. (She put away the St. Patrick's Day candy today and next week it will be chocolate!) There are other people in other offices that I talk to almost daily that always have a moment to chat. Some of these people I have never met! There are more. They are the reason I can continue to get up and go to work each day. YAY!

Don't do the following.

Don't put a roast in a slow cooker at 4:30 hoping it will be ready for 6:30; even if you put it on high. It will not be ready. You will come home and the moment you walk through the door you will know it is not ready. You will have to go to McDonald's, which always sound somewhat inviting until you actually eat it. After you eat it, it will sit in your gut and harden. Then you will get gassy and have difficulty breathing. It will suck even more if it is ~whipser~ that time of the month. Undoing the top button on your pants is your only option at this point. It relieves the pressure for a little while but as anyone who has eaten at Ratland knows, the gas will build. All the while a desire to sleep will come over you. Lesson-Put the roast in the oven if you want it to be ready at 6:30!

Daily Yay!

The sound of my daughter's voice when she reads to me. YAY!

A long post.

Crazy days off this week. Wednesday and Sunday. I am trying to run around and do all my household chores before going to my mom's so I don't have to come home to a mess.

I had a bit of a breakdown emotionally yesterday. There are so many thing piling up at once. I just sat and cried. Though things are going well for my mom and her diagnosis, it is still that awful word. cancer. (Those of you who are regular readers know I refuse to capitalize that word.)

I feel too at times that I am not getting enough time in my day to grieve the loss of my Nana. I came across this poem the other day and the grief poured out of me. It is still so very fresh.

If we had one lifetime wish,

And dreams that could come true.

We would pray to God,

With all our hearts,

for yesterday and you.

If teardrops were a stairway

And memories a lane,

we would Walk all the way to Heaven

And bring you back again.

A thousand prayers can't bring you back,

We know because we've tried.

And neither will a million tears,

We know because we've cried.

You left behind our broken hearts

And a million dreams for you.

But we never wanted dreams,

We only wanted you.

Everyone promises me that the memories of all the happy times will come but they haven't yet. I am just numb. When I was first told that my mom had cancer my very first thought was to call Nana. I knew I would receive comfort. But that was not to be.

I am starting to hate change. I see that it brings so much pain. I long for a simpler life. A time like when I was small and we went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner on a Sunday. I would follow my beloved grandfather around his garden. He would show me how to pull peas off the stem and which carrots were good to pull. I would get to talk on his HAM radio to the man with the funny voice from far away. Grandma would let me sit the table with her good dishes. And her roast beef was so good. I long for that carefree life. I wish I knew how to get back there. I don't want it to be a memory anymore.

I think the time when everything fell apart for me was when Girl-N was diagnosed with Neurofibromatosis. A part of me died that day. That part of me has not come back. I didn't have it in me to be the parent of a "special needs" child. (I HATE those words.) I am not a strong woman. I thought I ws too emotional and weak to deal with it. I still think I am. People in their good intentions told me that God had chosen me to be her mom because she needed a mom like me. I became angry at God. What had my beautiful daughter done to deserve this? Was it something I had done? Was this Karma? Was this payback for something bad I had done? I stopped praying. I stopped going to church. I received no comfort there. Christians told me that this happened because I had sin in my life and that is why she was born that way. A group even came to my home to cast demons out of me. It was my lowest point.

I have started praying again but I feel like God is not listening because of the sin I have in my life. I feel so scared and empty at times. Then I tell myself that I am not the only one who has dealt with garbage in her life. I need to suck it up and just shut the fuck up. I need to stop being such a baby. I need to get strong. But how? I have no time to focus on my own needs. This blog is my only outlet.

Anyway, I am not sure where all this came from. I certainly did not mean for all this to come out when I sat here to post.

Daily YAY!

I will let you know

My mind is a sieve. I can't think of a single thing to write about.

Daily Yay!

I saw this while surfing today. I used to have one when I was about 6 years old. It made me smile when I saw it. YAY!

I am tried. I am grouchy. I am angry. Everything is pissing me off and I don't really know why. I just want some time to myself to think but even then I am too tired to think.

Daily Yay!

I haven't punched anyone in the mouth (yet) today. YAY!

Do you have anyone in your life that just makes you feel like a little girl again? I am 34 and my mom has two friends in particular that make me feel like I am 6 years old. 6 years old in a good way. These two beautiful women have been friends with my mom since before I was born. They both call me "Barbie". When they give me a hug I feel like snuggling up to them like a puppy dog. I just feel "little" again. I feel taken care of and loved. I saw one of these ladies today, and though I have talked to her I have not seen her in years. I wanted to call her Mrs. Wilson even though she is now remarried. She laughed and said I could just call her Joanne. *Gasp* I could never ever call her that! It is like calling my Grandpa by his first name. There is no way that name fits her.
I am thankful that it takes a village to raise a child. I remember going to Mrs. Wilson's after school because my mom worked. Mrs. Wilson had 4 kids all older than I. I absolutely adored her daughter! Colleen was several years older than I and quite grown-up in my 7-year-old mind. Her daughter wrote me stories. I still have one of them in fact. I remember her daughter had to be in a body cast once and she would write me notes that she kept in a little bag beside her bed. I would get the notes and put ones back in that I wrote. Anyway, I digress. Mrs. Wilson would look after me after school. I remember she also looked after a very old lady that would look out the living room window. She had two dogs. Barney and Sambo. I wanted Barney for my own dog! Mrs. Wilson also baked fresh bread. It was the most delicious bread I have ever tasted in my life!
I also remember a deep devotion to God. I didn't know much about God at this time in my life but I have no doubt that she prayed for my family and me. She prays for me still now that we have reconnected because of my mom's cancer. It makes me feel warm, cared for and loved, just like when I was 6. However, I now add grateful and blessed to that list.

My Daily Yay! for today is the Mrs. Wilson's of the world. Yay!

I am getting a team together for the Relay For Life. On that day (June 10) I will be shaving my head for the Canadian cancer (small c) Society.

Daily Yay!

I went to the doctor's today to refill a prescription and my doctor was on time. My doctor is always on time. To add to the Daily Yay! I will add that he is always happy and remembers little details about me like what I do for a living, my kids and my boyfriend. He also remembered that my Nana died last year of cancer.

I went to my mom's today to do a little cleaning and give her a bath. She didn't want a bath but I told her she needed one and got her in. I had picked up a bath chair so she wouldn't have to get into the tub. She was very grateful but it exhausted her. She was almost falling asleep while I was drying her hair.

Today Girl-N lost a tooth. Bad timing because I don't have any cash on hand. Will have to rifle through my computer desk to see if I have any change in it.

There is no way this can be true.

I have decided that my post of late have been pretty melancholy. So today, I present the "DAILY YAY!"

Today's daily yay is I hit green lights all over town today. When I was taking the kids to school then driving to work and when I was also on my lunch break. They were also green when I went to my mom's, went to pick up my kids then back to my mom's again. It was so nice to get from one end of the city to the other in 15 minutes! Yay!

Off to bed. So very tired is I.

The cat has issues with sleep and frankly it is getting a little irritating. Don't get me wrong. I totally love this beautiful creature.

But the sleep issue. Rotten. Terrible. Mean. Nasty. Horrible. He stalks me while I sleep. I am deep in dreamland when out nowhere a devil cat is darting across my head. Apparently I breathed and he felt it upon himself to rid the world of whatever dared move while he was guarding the manor. He also likes to stalk my feet. Heaven forbid I need to turn over. He drops from above (how he gets there I do not know) and pounces on my feet. His sharp teeth pierce through the blanket to my toes.

I know he has tried sucking my breath while I sleep but I catch him each time. I also once owned a wonderful pillow that I was given as a gift after I got whiplash. Let's just say it isn't mine anymore. Angus needed it. He doesn't feel the bed is good enough for him. Oh no. Don't think of offering him an ordinary pillow from Wal-Mart.

The worst is the constant running he does at night. He has on his wee kitty bell and this is what I hear...

ding, ding, ding,, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, DING DING, DING, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,,,

I can hear the bell getting quieter then louder as he rushes off the living room window, down the hall, by my bedroom, into the kids bedroom and back again full circle (claws out for extra grip and speed). I listen to this for hours. On the occasional run by I tell him to stop it. He doesn't listen. I think he may be ignoring me.

The topper, and I have discussed this before, is the litter box issue. I mean come on already! Take a dump. Flick a bit of litter over it and get out! But noooooooo! He gets in, does his business and spends forty-five minutes covering it up. I live in a small place so there really isn't a place to put the vile box where I can't hear it. Scratch,scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch! I yell at him to stop. All is quiet for about 1/2 a second then he continues.

Finally my frustration drives me from my bed. I pick up this nocturnal creature and put him in the bathroom and shut the door and crawl back into bed. All is quiet. Just as I doze off (he waits for this I know it) I hear merowwwwww, merowwwwwwwww, merowwwww. He is crying. I flick back the blankets ready to let him outside. (He is not an outside cat and never will be.) He looks up at me with his one green and one blue eye with a look of repentance on his whiskered face. I pick him up and take him to my bed. Usually it is around 5:00 am and he knows there is no way I will fall asleep at this hour. He curls up with that cat smirk and falls asleep. I reach over to pet him. He opens his eyes, glares at me and walks away to the corner of the bed and falls asleep.


I call this photo "Cat Acrobats at 2 in Morning"

I got a Costco membership today. It was paid for by my place of business. I seriously wonder how people come out of there with money still in their bank account. Who doesn't need a 250 piece screwdriver set? Or Tylenol in a box of 5,000? Who could pass up 2,000 paper plates? Sheesh! All I got was stuff that I actually use everyday like a drum of mayo that had to be rolled out to my car. I also picked up a case of pudding that needed to held down with a bungee cord to the roof. Honestly, I don't remember what I got. I just remember seeing great prices and knowing there was no way in the world I could pass up on Oregano in a barrel for $6.49!

I steered through the isles that are 30 feet wide but you still can't get your buggy through.
I waited behind people mesmerized by the lady cooking sausages on a stick. As she put them out the entire store converged on her. I would have slapped their greedy hands with my spatula!

Oh the cashier was a pleasant man. Ha! The Costco Nazi is more like it! He frowned when I did not have the coupon ripped out of the coupon book as he rung through facial cleanser that I will be using until I am 85. He "reminded me for next time" that they only accept one coupon per household for all items in the coupon book. I could tell I had pushed his patience to the limit when I slid my bankcard through the interact machine backwards.

As I headed for the door with my cart overflowing I snapped at my boyfriend and kids to hurry up before I freaked out. I thought I was home free! A man with a grim look stopped me. I felt like confessing something but I didn't know what. He looked at my cart and me. He eyed it suspiciously as he ripped the receipt from my 100 pack of facecloths. He waved us on but I think he suspected I had a wide screen TV hidden in my purse. I walk out. Freedom! Not so fast you Costco virgin! You have to load all this shit in your car now. No bags! I load it all into my car. My kids jump and grab the Goldfish and break the bag open in the parking lot. I say through gritted teeth "GET....IN...THE...CAR" They knew by the steely tone that they should do as bidden. Driving away I can hear 45 cans of chilli rolling around in the trunk. I am happy to be home. Am I going back next again? Hell ya!

PS-My Mom came home today! She is very tired and just wanted to go to bed so I will go see her tomorrow. Yay!

It is amazing how fast the human brain can think. As I was cleaning the kitchen this evening I went to pick up a bowl of chips. It slipped through my fingers and sort of hit the counter for a moment before flipping and falling to the floor. The entire event from start to finish took maybe one second of my life. These were my thoughts.

(One second begins) Bowl of chips. Will pour these back into bag. Oh shit I dropped them! Yay! Saved by hitting the counter. Oh shit! Maybe if I make a frantic grab at them I will save them from hitting the floor thus saving them from going from one end of the kitchen to the other. Damn it, I missed. Shit... chips everywhere. (End of one second of my life.)

At this point I thought about calling the dog then remembered we don't have one. Angus (the cat) strolls in to see what the commotion was all about. He sniffs the chips. Looks up at me with disgust and disdain said said "What the hell is this"? He turns around, flicks his tail and moodily walks out of kitchen. I get the broom. Sweep up the chips. Thankful in some weird way that it is better that it happened this way instead of me scarfing them down simply because they are there.

I spoke with my mom this afternoon and she is coming home tomorrow. She had her first dose of chemo today and so far is not experiencing any nausea. I am so excited to see her!!

As for my brother. I wish I could just tell him what to do. There is a reason my brother is 37 (single) and has never had a relationship last longer than 3 months. He cannot handle a woman telling him what to do. He treats my mom like garbage at times. I guess over the years I have just sort of accepted him "as is". I know that I could allow his chauvinism to cause me to hate him. Trust me, we have had our times. The thing is as I get older I have realized two things. One. He is the only brother I have. Two. He is not going to change. I have seen families that bicker and are no longer a solid unit. I don't want this for our family.

I am very tired and this has been more of an emotional drain than a physical one. My mom and dad's house is spic and span. We have put up a huge "Welcome Home" banner that stretches the entire length of their kitchen. The kids and have made little gifts like picture frames and popsicle stick people. I have made lots of jello and it is waiting in the fridge. I will go over tomorrow and have a meal in the fridge for my dad when he gets home.

I am thinking about doing something drastic. If my mom loses her hair from the chemotherapy I am considering shaving my head. I will of course do this to raise money for the Canadian cancer (small c) Society. I love my hair and the thought of being bald freaks me out but it is for a remarkable and phenomenal woman. Will keep you posted on this.

I am feeling awful today. I have been coping so well. I don't know the reason for this sudden change. I am crying and feel so helpless against any of this. The only prayer that goes around and around in my head is "God please don't take her".

A number of you asked if I could ask someone for help. My sister lives out of town. My brother, though I love him dearly is not at all helpful. He lives about a block away from my parents. He called me when I was at my mom and dad's last week. I had worked all day and stopped by to do some cleaning. Before he got off the phone he said that he was tired and needed to go sleep but thanks for cleaning. He is 37, single and does not have any kids. He knew I still had about an hour of work to do and then go home and make supper and do homework with the kids. He is just selfish I guess. I don't even like writing this because I feel like I am being whiny. I am just letting you know that, no I do not have anyone to help.

Today everything feels so hopeless. My eyes are so puffy from crying and I am fearful. I just want to go back to bed but I have so many things I need to do here. My place is a mess. Laundry falling out of the hamper. Dishes from Tuesday in the sink. Ironically...I want my mom!

Short post. Niki I am glad you said hi. I am glad you are alright. Yes. You are loved.

I am hoping my mom will come home on Saturday. She gets her first dose of chemotherapy on Friday. I miss her and my dad very much.

I am so exhausted. I have been working all day then heading to my parents house. I have been doing laundry, changing beds and washing floors etc. Had to insure their car but I had to work overtime today so the insurance place closed before I could get there. Came home, made supper, did home work with the kids. Did my own laundry, did the dishes and now I am going to put the kids them myself to bed.