Free Hugs Campaign. (music by Sick Puppies.net album out)

Please take a few minutes to watch this video. Tell me what it made you think and how it made you feel.

http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

I am trying so hard to be a good mom. I am trying not to cover my ears and yell but I am about to lose it. My son has started band this year and he got a bell kit to help him learn to read drum music. There is only so many times you can hear Hot Cross Buns before you go insane. It is really loud and high pitched and sharp sounding. Arrrrrrr! Help me.

I also got it into my head to put the oven on self cleaning this morning because next week is Thanksgiving. I had to open the doors and windows and now it not only smells from the oven being on it is very cold as well.

I am cranky.

Update - The day is about over and I ended up making a roast beef dinner. It was so yummy! Roasted potatoes and carrots with peas and corn. And gravy. Lots and lots of gravy. Then Blueberry pie with french vanilla ice cream for dessert. Ahhh. Nothing a like an autumn day with a roast in the oven. It may be pouring rain with the wind blowing outside but it is plenty warm and cozy inside.

THE CAT CAME BACK! It wasn't the very next day but 15 days. He showed up on my patio disoriented, filthy and a few pounds thinner but he is home safe and sound. He has not left my side since he came home which is very unusual for him. He is usually very independent cat that likes his space. He didn't even mind the bath I gave him to get all the dirt off! So, I wonder where he was and what he was doing for the last 15 days. I asked him but he refuses to comment. He just looks grateful to be home.

That Cat aka Norbert. The cat at the top of my blog officially escaped and has been gone for over a week now. I have put up dozens of posters, put ads in papers and online and he is nowhere to be seen or heard of. We miss him so much. He literally just vanished. We got him as a kitten and he has never been outside before even though he tried daily to get out. We live close to a highway so letting him out was never an option. Anyway, he is gone. I keep hoping he is going to turn up but today I packed up his food dishes and litter box. Maybe he will turn up still. I miss that evil cat. :(

BIG *sigh*

I have always had a knack for screwing things up. They are usually minor things and tonight is no exception.

I started waxing my own eyebrows several years ago. I have never had a problem other than not waxing enough. They have always come out just as well or sometimes even nicer than going to an esthetician. It also doesn't hurt as much and it costs next to nothing.

Well tonight, I screwed up. I um...over-waxed an area and now I have three eyebrows. It is awful. One eyebrow has a hunk missing out of it. I now have to walk around like this! I have long bangs and I wear glasses but it is still very noticeable.

I am going to have to draw on the rest of my deleted eyebrow but I don't have an eyebrow pencil. I am going to have to use a brown Sharpie Marker. :(

A New Post...

I thought I would take the time to post something for the first time in over 2 months. I have been reading your blogs but I have been not doing anything worth posting about.

I am still working at my new job. It is ok. You know. Work's work.

Still seeing John (not his real name). We have been together almost 6 months now. It has gone by so fast and yet it seems we have been together for always. Today he surprised me with a dozen roses. 10 red and one pink and one white. I was wowified.We are both very much in love.

I am remodelling right now and everything is in a huge mess. I mean it. Stuff everywhere. I am hoping to finish painting my bathroom tomorrow but anyone who has ever painted knows it always needs more work and more coats and more touch-ups!

Kidlets are great. Norbert (the cat on the header at the top of my blog) continues his reign of evil. He becomes more evil everyday. He enjoys jumping on my stomach while I sleep and making vain attempts to escape to the outside world. He enjoys attacking feet and darting in front of me in the middle of the night if I get up. His purpose is to kill me. Yes, I may kick him accidentally and hurt him but he feels it is worth it for a greater purpose. He could eat for weeks if he manages to kill me.

The weather has been really bad. The worst summer I ever remember. We have had 3 hot days and that was it. Global warming. It is a scary thought.

With the thought of global warming I have made some small attempts to make my footprint smaller. We are no longer accepting plastic bags at the grocery store. In the USA alone , they are going through one million bags a minute. Those bags will never go away. They will never decompose. We have also stopped using all cleaners with the exception of vinegar, borax, salt, baking soda, lemon juice, washing soda and occasionally ammonia. I don't even use dishwasher detergent anymore. We have been using a mix of half borax and half washing soda. It actually cleans better than any other detergent I have tried. For laundry I use an environmentally friendly soap and also no longer use any shampoo or conditioners that harm the environment. (From a place called the Soap Exchange). In addition we have always recycled everything. There are such small steps but it makes a difference!

My mom is finished chemotherapy and had her first follow-up visit today and had a clear scan. Very good news. She goes back in three months. Praying.

That is all for now. Thanks for stopping by.

I have had enough. As I said in my last post I am working 45 hours a week and going to school in the evenings. In addition, my mom is still battling cancer and is going through more rounds of chemotherapy. Right now her hemoglobin is so low she has been forbidden to even be around family. Life with my children as always is very, very busy. Life with John (not his real name) continues to move forward and we fall in love more everyday.

However...

Blogging used to be therapeutic. Now it just exhausts me to even think about posting. I am NOT deleting my blog as Insanity Written in a Blog is my home. But, I have to stop. You all likely know I have been having problems with my heart that are stress related and I have been having symptoms again. I need to slow down.

It makes me very sad to think about losing the friendships I have gained here so I will continue to visit all of you.

There are three of you that I have come to know outside of blogging. You have been a very special part of my support system and I doubt you know just how much you mean to me.

Catherine

Jill

Kelly

You are three of the most fabulous women I have had the honour of meeting through blogging. I will be emailing you to you posted of what is going on. You are all women of strength and courage. You inspire me.

So for now. I am leaving. Forever? Maybe.

Thanks for being part of My Insanity Written in a Blog.

(((hugs)))

~

Another turning point;

a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;

directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test

and don't ask why.

It's not a question

but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs

and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories

and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,

it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable

but in the end it's right

.I hope you had the time of your life.

My attempts at blogging on a regular basis are failing. Even now I am just sitting down for a moment to post.
After 3 years I decided to pack it in at my job as I was going nowhere. I gave my notice and started a new job working in the health care field. It is Monday to Friday 8:30 - 5:00.
I am also taking night school classes from 6:00 - 8:00.
I am trying to work in a meal or two, laundry, dishes, housework and spending time with the kids.
No time right now for John (not his real name), exercise or anything fun.
That is all.

John (not his real name) and I had a terrible argument last night over birth control and today I feel sick to my stomach. I had no idea he felt the way about certain methods of birth control. The problem started when I had and IUD inserted 3 months ago and major problems arose. Because of my age and familial history with cancer I am no longer able to have any medication type of birth control. That leads us to two options. I get my tubes tied or he gets a vasectomy. He basically that he was not "gung ho" about getting a vasectomy. That would be cool if he was 27 and still wanting kids but he is 47 and does NOT want kids. I am 36 and there is still a "maybe" hanging in the air.
I am tired of the responsibility always being put on woman for birth control. I had been on the pill for 20 years. After my kids were born I used a diaphragm. Now that I am past 35 I am no longer able to use the pill so I had to use an IUD. Anyway...I guess you think you know someone huh? If I was a guy I would say, "Don't worry about it. I will get a vasectomy!" I guess I judged him wrong.
So anyway. I have not been able to put anything in my stomach all day long. I am feeling week and very tired and my eyes are puffy from crying. I can't believe he is the type of man that would be that self centered.

It seems my post has brought some mixed responses. First of all, I did not give him an ultimatum. It was simply a discussion. Previous to having the IUD my periods were moderate and lasted 3 - 4 days. Since I had the IUD inserted my periods have been off the chart. I now use one super tampon about every two hours and my periods last 11-12 days. I can't walk at times from the cramps and I get more anemic with each period. With my familial history of ovarian and breast cancer I simply cannot every be on an type of medicinal contraceptive again. The other forms of birth control have too high a failure rate to consider options. At no time did I tell him to get a vasectomy nor have a told him we won't be having sex if he doesn't. I just asked him if this would be something he would think about doing since he does not want kids. His response of leaving the matter of birth control in my hands is what bothered me. It simply makes sense for him to do this whether he stays with me or not. But since he refuses I, the woman will be the one to take care of the matter of birth control.

I know. I have all but disappeared haven't I? I have been really busy just doing "stuff". I haven't even been doing anything that is worthy of blogging about. I have not been at the computer a whole lot so I have not been following what is going on in your lives either. I do try to stop by once or twice a week so even when I am not commenting I am thinking about you.


I do have something noteworthy to say. I have now lost 26 pounds at SparkPeople. I am in a bit of a slump because I have been having wicked problems with asthma that turned into a sinus/ear infection so I have not been doing any cardio. I am finally starting to feel a little better and hope all the medication will kick in by next week and I will be back on track. If you are interested in joining me click on the link over to the right of my page and it will take you there. This is a totally free plan. It is not just a diet but an entire lifestyle change to becoming a healthier person. I was leery when I first joined that there would be strings attached or they would try to suck me into some multilevel marketing or it would be some culty thing but it is not. You don't have to "buy the book" or recruit anyone or anything weird. (The image you see is my actual weight loss tracker.)

Things are going just great with John (not his real name). He has gone away, all the way from Vancouver Island to Nova Scotia and back again, to take his mother's ashes to a cemetery there. He left this evening and will be back Monday morning. That is a loooong way in such a short amount of time! Anyway, I miss him already. And I hope he is going to be OK. He lost him mom and his sister within 3 months of each other. I wish I could help him in some way but sometimes words just don't cut it.

Hello my Canadian friends. Remember when Canada came out with this beautiful coin a few years ago to honour and remember our veterans? Do you remember being excited and proud that we were the first country in the world to use the colour red in a coin? Well, apparently some thought it was a ploy against the Americans. Read this.

And just when you thought you could be friends with a Canadian.

So I am driving down the road today in my piece of crap called a car and I hear a noise. It was a gawd awful screeching/scrapping noise. (EEEscleeezzzeeeeerrssshhhreeee) Something is wrong with my car people and it is not good. It is also overheating. I sit at traffic lights and watch the temperature gauge climb higher while I blast the heat and pray that the lights change quickly. My car is not well folks.
Did you know that you can have great sex in less than 12 minutes? That is the time John (not his real name) and I had this afternoon before someone was to come over. I won't supply you with details as I am sure you could well imagine what went on.
I am off to bed. Why do I stay up so late anyhow?

PS- I hate my blog template more everyday.

My posts are getting fewer and farther between aren't they? ~sigh~

I have been really busy. I went with John (not his real name) to Abbotsford this weekend. We had so much fun! We didn't do a lot except just go for walks and fall in love even more. And we ate! I ate like a pig. I went off my diet and had about 2000 calories alone for lunch on Saturday. However, we worked it off. (wink wink)
I have been having problems with asthma again the last few weeks but my doctor is away so I have to just keep coughing and wheezing. It is getting annoying. My inhaler is almost empty so I might end up going to the drop-in clinic where I get to wait for 3 hours to see a doctor.
I am getting really bored with this blog template. Everyone else has such fun and exciting ones and mine is so dull. I would change it if I could find anything that interests me. Be on the lookout for a new look. Out with the cats!
Not much else going on here.

I realize the days are passing and I am not blogging. I can't believe that while not working I could be so busy.

I was mistaken about Spring in my last post. The weather has changed and it is cold and rainy. I am sitting here in my slippers and polar fleece jacket and I am going to put warm sheets back on my bed. *sigh* Serves me right for getting too excited about an early Spring.

Everything is still going great with John (not his real name). We have so much fun together. Mostly we just sit and stare at each other and smile. Then one of us gets a thought and then...while then...you know. Yes. It is fun!

I have lost 22 pounds with Spark People. I went about 2 weeks of not logging in and wasn't losing so I realize I have to continue to go there everyday for now. I have 8 more pounds to go to reach my goal.

Oh yes. I bought a new bed. John (not his real name) gave me a brand new box spring and frame that had belonged to a family member that couldn't use it so I just had to buy a mattress. I first went to Sears where I was treated like a lower class citizen. I always seem to get that there even though my family has been shopping there for years. They make assumptions based on how I look and know I don't have $3000.00 to spend on a bed. Anyway, I got angry this time and went to Sleep Country. The lady there was so helpful and understanding. I told her right from the start that I didn't have a lot of money to spend. She went and did some research and found me a very nice mattress leftover form a previous sale. It is so comfy. I can't wait! My previous mattress is 16 years old and needed to be replaced. So say it with me...Sleep Country Canada! Why buy a mattress anywhere else?

Nice to be home after a long weekend and get caught up on housework. I really have no idea how I ever worked full time and pulled off the rest of my life. My house is clean for the first time in 3 years! That is so nice. I even got my bathroom painted!
Life with John (not his real name) is going so well. We had our first disagreement on the weekend. Bah. It was awful but we managed to get through it and come out the other side stronger. I fall in love with him more everyday. I am a lucky and blessed woman.
I am seeing an employment counselor this week to try to decide what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life. I am optimistic and excited at what is ahead of me.
Spring on the Island is here and everything is so beautiful. We have hung up our winter coats and put away the flannel sheets for another year. I am doing a thorough Spring clean and have the windows open. Ahhh...Life is good.

Another update because I have been terrible about posting lately! Things with John (not his real name) are going so well. I cannot believe I could ever feel this way about anyone. I am even more blown away that someone feels this way about me! I mean how crazy is that?

The rest of my life is going OK as well. I am so very glad that Spring is here. Winter seemed to just drag this year. For those of you that live in BC you will know just how beautiful it is here right now. (In BC, winter is a very dark and grey time and it affects your spirit if it is an especially long one.) The sun is shining and everything is blooming. Adding to the beauty are the glorious mountains that surround us. Many are still snow peaked. I tell you. It does not get any better. I love living here.

I don't have all that much to say. Life with John (not his real name) has been all encompassing. I am happy. Happy like this has been a long time coming.

You know I am in love when I purchase all new underwear! hee hee

I have been terrible with the updates here and after reading you will know why. Let me start at the beginning.

I started having problems with my heart back in July as most of you know. It has become progressively worse and started to get quite bad at the end of February. The heart specialist told me I needed to quit working. NOW.

I didn't and my heart problems got worse very quickly. I was not able to stand at times and experienced vertigo as well as a resting heart rate of 180 beats per minute. In the beginning of March I could no longer handle it so I had to quit. I have not said anything here because I have been so embarrassed and humiliated. I have never not been able to care for my family.

So now what was I supposed to do? I was feeling fine with a lot of rest and I had obviously a lot of time on my hands. I was able to go meet with girlfriends for tea and enjoy things for the first time in a very long time. I also had time to start dating.

Enter John (not his real name.)

I met him at Plenty of Fish. I had met some men previous to him which ranged from disaster to "nice". When I met John my entire world changed.

You guys, I am in love.

Yes. I said it. How you can fall in love in less than 3 weeks is beyond anything my brain can wrap around but it has happened.

He is the sweetest, kindest most gentle man I have ever known. He has been single for a number of years while he has raised his daughters alone. Last week I was at his house and was so tired I was going to go home but he asked if I wanted to rest there. I fell asleep and do you know what he did? He made me a chocolate cake...from scratch! hee hee

He has very old fashioned values and so far we have not got very far from just kissing. When he kisses me the entire world spins and I totally lose focus of everyone and everything. *sigh* Even thinking about him kissing me sends me reeling.

And here is the thing. My racing heart has slowed down considerably and last week it was the lowest it has been since July of last year. I am so relaxed around him! He totally mellows me out and calms me.

This is good guys. I am so happy. This whole thing is way beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can't stop smiling.

Things on the work front are looking up. I qualify for retraining so things are looking good.

(PS- Thank you to Curtis and Ellen for making me never stop believing that this was possible)

What?? In my dreams maybe!




Thanks Susan for the giggle!

You are going to have to click on this to inbiggen it. This is one of many creations of Girl-N. She made this for me while I was having a bath last night. Notice the label that has been taped to the plate. If you look closely you will notice it is a happy face. Now what more could I ask for? Girl-N is the sweetest.

Let me tell you a short story about Girl-N and her obsession with tape. Ever since she was old enough to use art supplies she has loved two things above all else. Envelopes and tape. She would toddle up to me and look at me with her big chocolaty eyes and say, "May I bowwo a wittle bit of tape pwease?" She also used to use up "embawopes" by the dozen.
As her love for office supplies grew so did her need. I would catch her at my desk pulling off 159 pieces of tape for her latest project. She would stealthily go into my desk and take envelopes as well. It got to the point where I couldn't keep either in the house because Girl-N would find them and use them up.
Last Christmas I thought I figured out a plan. I went to Costco and bought her 16 rolls of tape and a gigantic box of envelopes. I would never again would have to share. Yeah right. She has now started to hoard. She will not use anything from her supply. I continually ask her where the 16 rolls of tape are and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't know. I know they are hidden in the depths of her art desk along with the envelopes.
And just in case you are wondering she still comes up to me and says, "May I borrow a little tape please?" I just hand her the tape dispenser and walk away.

I know it isn't just me who is feeling this way. I am reading in a lot of posts that Spring is coming! Outside my window a crow is calling. I think she is excited about Spring too. I bet she is tired of the rain and wind. She must feel so happy on a day like this. Maybe she found a great big worm in my garden. At any rate, she sounds happy!

Today is our Spring Fling. Today is the day where we go through the house and get rid of old boots, coats and clothes we don't wear. I am getting rid of the tacky Lava Lamp even though I secretly like it. I am going through the bathroom and tossing old make-up and hair products. It isn't a day to clean. It is a day to fling. Everything that can be used will go to charity. Everything that can be recycled with go to the recycling depot. Everything else will be thrown in the garbage.

Anyone want to play? How much junk can you get rid of?

Update - I filled boxes, clear recycling bags and garbage bags. I think I likely got rid of close to 100 pounds of junk today! Isn't that insane? (This place isn't called My Insanity Written in a Blog for nothing!) It took a good part of the day. Tomorrow will be more purging of crap and putting everything I have decided to keep back where it belongs.

Look! Look at the wonderful gift I received in the mail today! Do you know how long I have wanted this? Thank you Jill. I have seen this woman grow in leaps and bounds. Thanks you for being a part of my world Jill.

And..

While walking around Value Village this afternoon I found these guys on DVD. $4.00! I love a deal. (OK I am cheap.) Wanna come over to my place and laugh?

Good things came in threes today. I have been smiling since lunch. And that is all I am going to say about that.

I remember my mom telling me that she remembers when JFK was shot. I remember wondering why that event would make a difference in her life. I thought it more odd that she would remember exactly where she was when she found out. I didn't understand why she wouldn't just try to forget.

I know I will never forget where I was when I heard about the Challenger and Princess Diana. I will never forget the images that were played over and over on the TV. Sometimes I wish they could be erased from my mind. I also remember 9/11. I know where I was. Where were you? I would be surprised if you told me you didn't remember. We all have the same movie of the second plane that will plays over in our minds.

Now that my kids are getting older I wonder what events will be a part of their lives. I don't even want to guess. I want them to know about resiliency and that though these events cause our spirits to crumble for a time, they also cause us to unify and we gain strength through our unity.

I have been honored by the people that God has put in my life to pull me through periods of personal grief. I have deeper friendships because of them and thankful for these events because they have caused a greater good.

Don't let me ever forget the bad times. I am stronger because I have fallen.

Why I am a Bad Parent

Has your child ever said something so shocking that you couldn't help but laugh? First let me say I am a very strict parent and expect both of my kids to be very respectful of adults. They use the terms Mr. and Mrs. When they meet an adult the are expected to stand up and greet the person and shake hands. They are not to interrupt. They say, please, thank you and excuse me. So when my child brazenly cuts down an adult I am supposed to become serious and discipline the child appropriately. Yes. I am.

Tonight my son was telling me about his substitute teacher. As we were chatting he lowered his voice and said,

"She's an old bag".

I just stared. If he had told me his teacher did handsprings while playing a ukulele I could not have been more shocked. And then I started to laugh. I gasped between the laughter and double checked that I heard properly. (I had.) I had to go into the bathroom where he heard me double over in fits of laughter. It was so funny! OK, I know it wasn't. But it was. (I did eventually tell him how disappointed I was but I think the lesson was lost.)

I am feeling better today than yesterday. I am working on the One Day at a a Time principal. Today is my day off so I slept in, got up and had something to eat then went to have a nap! After I got up I did 30 minutes of cardio and now I am back at the computer.

You know what is strange about losing weight for me this time? I think one of the big reasons I am doing so well is it is the only thing I can control right now. I can control what goes into my body and how much I exercise. I am physically feeling better and this week I got rid of two pairs of my "fat pants". I am now at a healthy Body Mass Index. I still have a way to go but I am headed in the right direction. For the first time I am using food in a healthy way to deal with my depression. In the past I would eat anything that was set before me and lots of it. I sometimes still crave the junk but now I have way smaller portions and less often.

I have been called for a job interview but I don't know much about it at this point. It has to be a step up financially and I have to be happy doing it. I am trusting God on this one. I am sure He doesn't want me to be continued to receive the abuse I currently am receiving at my current job.

I am off to read a magazine and see if dinner somehow magically appeared in the oven.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I wish I could just be happy. I am told by everyone that happiness is a choice but I just seem to go further into depression. I feel like I have so much against me. My mom is terminal. I am broke and at a job that I hate. My daughter's future is uncertain. I am tired all the time because something is wrong with my heart but I don't know what it is yet. Quite honestly, if it wasn't for my kids I would not want to go on. I cry all the time. I am tired of hurting. I used to be such a positive person and so happy. But now I wake up each day and have nothing to look forward to.

I try to come up with positive posts so I am not such a drag all the time but I can't seem to come up with much.

I miss my mom because I can't go visit her while she is getting chemo. Each day I wake up and wait again to go to bed. Sleep is my only escape right now.

I just want all this pain to be over and to smile again.

Not much going on this week. I have been coming up empty when it comes to posts. Nothing in my head. Nada.

I see the specialist on Monday regarding my (always) racing heart. Work still sucks very badly and I am just putting in time. I am sure even the bosses see how little my heart is in the job. I still do my job well and finish all the work that comes before me but I have lost my smile and often end up in the bathroom choking back tears.

I went to the Maple Sugar Festival last Sunday and had a blast. I kind of thought it was going to be a huge drag because well, it is french. I know. I am Canadian and it isn't very patriotic of me but if you are Canadian you might understand. Anyway, it turned out to be a lot of fun and we will be going again next year. It has renewed my faith in French Canadians.

Not much else is going on. I have a sore throat and think I am getting a cold. I don't mind because it gives me an excuse to slow down and sleep.

I have lost 14 pounds now and got rid of two pairs of my fat pants this week. That felt great. People are also commenting on how I look and that is nice too.

I went to the heart specialist today and did the treadmill test and sure enough, as I suspected something is amiss. He doesn't know what it is exactly yet but my heart is accelerating like that if an 80 year old. He assured me that it isn't heart disease or anything really serious but it does need to be investigated further. I have the holter monitor on right now and there are sure a lot of wires! I think I have a sensitivity to the glue as well because the places they are placed feel hot.

I guess it is wrong of me, but I have not told my mom and dad about this because the last thing my mom needs is this stress. She is going for another round of chemo tomorrow (my birthday) so I don't want to cause her worry. I must say it is a little tough going through this without any support.

Today I bought one of these. It is called a Rebounder or a mini trampoline. It cost almost $300.00 but place I bought it from has allowed me to make payments on it until it is paid for with no interest. I was so grateful!

So far I have lost 13 pounds! I have only been counting calories so far making sure I get lots of fruits & veggies and whole grains as well as drinking lots of water. I have been eating All-Bran and Brown Rice! Oh, yes I have! And I have been enjoy it too! I really haven't felt deprived at all. Last week I had fish & chips but I had the seniors portion. This week all the staff at work had chicken and fries. I chose chicken with a side salad & raspberry vinaigrette dressing (a total of 60 calories compared to 500 calories for a small fries!). I am so proud of myself. I am hoping the rebounder will make the weight come off faster but more important I am hoping to get in shape. If you have been frustrated with diets in the past I highly recommend SparkPeople. (It is free!)

Well, well, well. Just when you think you have done all the medically embarrassing things that can be done they throw another into the picture, Having two children was nothing really. I can't say I minded strange men looking at my private girl and make assumptions about her. "Oh yeah, that baby will fit through there!". My body is my NOT a garage and this sure isn't your sports cars and you had better find a way to get this baby out and GeT Me A DaMn EPidURal WhiLE YOu"re AT it Or I will RIp off YouR ArMS ofF! (at this point my head spins in continuous revolutions until an get epidural)

No this way nothing like that but It was the description of it. Because of this ongoing tachycardia I am going through several dozen tests. The one I am speaking about has a clinical name but I will call it "Pissing in a big orange jug for 24 hours". And get this, the doctor thought I could just do it while at work! Sure. Shared staff bathroom. Large Orange Jug between the toilet and wall. Or worse, leaving at the end of the day and carrying the thing out sloshing. There are just some things I will not do. And if you knew the men I work with! They would probably think it was a new urinal and use it! So I will be waiting for my day off and staying home that day. I am not carrying that Goliath anywhere. Worst case scenario. It is a little too heavy and I drop it. KeRRRRplloosh! Urine everywhere, There are some things you just can't explain away.

I try very, very hard to remain positive but some days (weeks) it is so much harder than others. My job is discouraging me beyond words. I have come to hate my job. Yes. Hate. It is a pretty strong word but that is how I feel right now. It has been three years of working hard, going above and beyond the call of duty and still having nothing to show for it. Last week I was told that I was passed up on a promotion. Why? Because I am female. Yup. I was told by the owner of the company that because of the type of business it is they want to promote men. According to statistics men have higher sales. Even though I have the highest inside sales they are hiring a man to do the job.

I have been crying off and on for over a week now. I am angry, sad and very frustrated that I have been told for three years that when my time comes they will promote me. It was all lies. The General Manager has told me she wants to but the owner doesn't. So it ends there. I am staying until April to receive my bonus then I am leaving. I won't be giving two weeks notice. I won't even give them a day. I intend to give them my resignation on a Friday afternoon and walk out the door. I am not normally a spiteful person but I really don't think they deserve any better.

Ahhh. I love Sunday. It is 2:00. I am still in my robe. It is so nice to just do whatever I want! Today I washed the floors and cleaned the garbage can out. I am thinking about going to bed to read a book and just maybe fall asleep.

I am feeling quite content today. I feel like a cat. I just want to curl up and purr. I have so much going on but I look at the state of the world and I know I don't have things too bad. My kids are healthy and happy. I have people in my life that love me. I have food in my cupboard and clean water to drink. I am happy being single. (really!) And I have nice new 100 percent cotton jersey knit sheets (tee shirt sheets) on my bed. I am off to curl up.

So I am back. I forgot to say in my last post that I have been blogging for three years. (I despise the word blogiversary for some reason.) Three years of writing. I look back and most of the time I wonder this. What the hell was I thinking? I mean seriously. I am supposed to be grown up but I continue to make stupid and immature decisions.
I was going to write an enlightening post but I am too tired. All I have to ask is this. Do women still wear slips? You know what I mean. A slip. That stupid thing you wear under a dress that always "slips"down and everyone can see it. Then everyone tells your slip is showing. I am sure proper ladies like the Queen wear one but what about everyday women? I think I have one that I wore to my grandmother's funeral. Yeah. That is all you are getting from me tonight.

Well I am back. I decided that if the ex-boyfriend decides to stop by I will tell him to stop reading or I may let his wife know that he looked me up within a week of marrying her. So there!
Lots has been happening. I think I had already let you all know my mom's cancer is back and she is going through chemo. This time though we were told that this round will not get rid of all the cancer. I am not really dealing with this all that well. Just sad a lot of the time and I try not to think about it. Most of the time I just feel overwhelmed and sad. I hate that I have no control over any of this but this monster has me on the palm of it's hand and is waiting to destroy me. I know, this is not about me but there is one relationship where we are always the child. I am trying to be strong for my mom but I am doing a terrible job of it so I just stay away. I know, she doesn't need that either but I can't deal with this. I don't know how. There is no manual in how to watch your mom die 101.
Work has been lousy. Nuff said. I am waiting for my bonus in April then will see from there. I think it is time to move on.
Kids are doing well. The Girl won fourth place in Highland dancing this weekend. I was SO proud! She looked so beautiful up on the stage. So poised. So confident.
The boy is doing well too. He is in acting classes and having a lot of fun. He is also finally taking an interest in school.
I have been losing weight by using this website. It is going well and so far I have lost 10 pounds. I want to lose 22 more by June. I highly recommend Sparkpeople. The first two weeks are just an introductory to their site and can be quite confusing but once I go the hang of it it was easy.
Cats are good but still HATE each other and I am wondering if they will ever get along. I think they are doing it on purpose just to drive me crazy. I bet they are all snuggles and cuddles with each other when I am out.
That is all for now. I am glad to be back. Writing is always good for the soul.
Will get all the links and sidebar stuff put up later.
(Kevin I would advise you to stop coming to my site..unless you think your wife would be ok with it!)
I love you all and have missed you!

Having a privacy issue. Someone I know is reading my blog. E mail for my new website. insanity_written_in_a_blog @ hotmail.com

I did what I said I would do. I called the college and received some information. I have two appointments on Thursday to speak to Employment Counselors. I also dug up a copy of my resume.

In other news I did something today that I have been saying I would do for well over a year. (Don't ask what it was!) It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I will sleep better knowing that it is done. Yay!

The Secret is "Thoughts Become Things"

I was in the grocery store the other day and I came across an ornament all by itself. It was simple and inexpensive. It was a chrome-plated word. It said HOPE. I bought it.

Last night I had a dream. In the dream I held the decoration and it came apart in my hands. It really sums up how my life has been the last two years. Hope. Broken.

Of course when I got up it was still in one piece. I have hung it near my computer and this little word is going to help me make some changes this year.

• I am going to leave my job. They have been stringing me along for over a year now and I see now that they have no intentions of promoting a woman. I am not going to quit until I have other things well in place but I will be quitting.




• I am going to stop closing doors on relationships. I have been asked out a lot but I always come up with an excuse as to why I should not be dating. I am just going to see where this leads.

Every single one of your comments brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. I love each of you and feel honoured that you took the time to send encouragement my way.

I have decided one thing since my last post. On January 2nd I am going to call the college and make an appointment with the admissions counselor. The worst I can be told is no which will put me in the same boat I am in now. I have to do something. I have to at least try.

My concerns at this time is the inability to get a student loan after declaring bankruptcy after buying a leaky condo. There is no way around this one. I simply do not qualify. My other concern is how I can afford to live and go to school at the same time. The bank who holds my mortgage (they let me keep the leaky condo being the nice people that they are) and other bill collectors simply do not accept that I am working to improve myself and will pay when I am done school as a viable reason not to pay them. In fact, as of yet, I have never heard of a valid excuse to get out of paying bills!

However, I am going to talk to the college. I want to possibly take the Medical Transcription course. I am already a Resident Care Attendant but I am not able to do the shift work hours that they require. I graduated with a 4.0 in that course so I know will have no problems with being admitted. I have to trust God on this one. I know He doesn't want me to be this unhappy.

I am thinking it may be time to give up blogging but something keeps me here. My posts are getting fewer and further between and when I do post it is lacking. Day after day I watch the cursor blinking at me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

It feels like I am waiting for my life to go somewhere. I am terribly unhappy at my job. It is so bad that I can't eat when I am at work because my stomach is upset from stress the moment I walk in the door. I want to go back to school.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I am going through another stage of being weary of being single. If one more person tells me that it will happen when I stop looking I just may smack them. That is a total bunch of crap because I wasn't looking for over a year. I didn't want to be in a relationship a the time so how the hell can it happen when I am not looking?

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I can't seem to save even a few dollars from each pay cheque. It is hard to be unjealous of the people I know that have such big homes. My son, daughter and I grew out of this tiny 2-bedroom a long time ago. My kids needs a room to themselves now. There is no hope that I will ever be able to have that.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And I feel so wretchedly ungrateful to have any of these feelings. The world is a big place and my problems are insignificant.

But.

Waiting.

Waiting

Waiting.

The cursor keeps blinking...

Flirting 101 or How to Get a Free Box of Ferrero Rocher All to Yourself.

This afternoon a Sales Rep came into the office. And you all know what time of the year it is! Yes! A time for Chocolate! He came in with a box of doughnuts (Tim Horton's!) and a box of Ferrero Rocher. He walked up to the desk and I said in a rather loud voice, "Ferrero Rocher! Mmmm!" He laughed and asked to speak to the manager. While he was waiting I told him I would marry him if he offered me a box. He laughed and blushed.

He left and came back into the office a few minutes later and called me aside. He handed me my own box Ferrero Rocher and quietly left the building.

Someone sent me this and I thought I would share it. This isn't meant to depress you but I dare you to get through it without crying.
Lets just remember to pray for those less fortunate this year.

http://www.vidilife.com/video_play_143935_happy_Christmas_war_is_over_.htm

Will post about my staff party later. Still really tired from going to bed after 3:30!

This little creature is a Warm Fuzzie. Why? Because I had the nicest compliment today. I ran into a girl I went to college with and she looked me up and down and said, "You look great!". (Me- stunned) We chatted a bit then she went on to say how well I aged. (Me- speechless).

It was so nice to hear that. I have been feeling rather haggard lately. I know, I know I am only 35 but I am nowhere as thin as I once was and definitely not as cute.

I was so grateful for her kind words. I am quite honestly walking on air tonight.

~~

In other news. Staff Christmas party tonight. Pictures to come.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.

I will not get drunk.
I will not get drunk.
I will not get drunk.

but I know I will...

Update
So very tired. So hungover. No post today,

This last year has been financially tight. Don't get me wrong. I keep my bills paid and food in the cupboard. I was beginning to stress because I have less than $75.00 in my bank account right now. I thought I had finished Christmas shopping but I hadn't. When I went through the presents I had been stashing throughout the year I realized I only had one present for my son and a few stocking stuffers! How could I have been so neglectful as to totally overlook my kids? I didn't know what to do. I have been feeling embarrassed. I talked to the kids two days ago and told them that I just want going to be able to do a lot this year for Christmas. It was humiliating.

This afternoon at work I found a strange looking package in my pigeon-hole. When I unwrapped it I found this.

I am not sure who put it there. Whoever is was wished to remain anonymous. The nice thing is I work with so many truly amazing people it could have been one of several.

I am grateful today for gifts from 'Santa' but moreover, being loved by coworkers.

I received word this week that my uncle died suddenly. He had been diagnosed with cancer in the summer but was going to the cancer clinic and doing well. He had returned to work but got pneumonia suddenly last Wednesday. He was admitted to hospital and was going to come home on Saturday. On Friday my aunt got a call that he had suddenly took a turn for the worse. She came to his side and surrounded by his family he died on Saturday.He was still young, in his early 60's. I had not seen him much in the last few years. Families grow and drift in different directions. But I remember a handsome man that always took the time to give me a hug and never stopped calling me Barbie. I am going to miss just knowing he was around.This is for you Uncle. You made my world a better place. I love you.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Is anybody able to tell me why my body feels the need to take the biggest shit of the month when I am at the mall? I'm just sayin'.

I don't know. Maybe it is just me that these things happen to.

Aren't weekends wonderful? I work Tuesday to Saturday and have Sunday and Monday off. I love Sunday and Monday. I can be a lady of leisure. I sleep late on Sunday and shuffle around in my bathrobe most of the day. I don't answer the phone and I watch videos in bed.

I am feeling better since I started taking Thyroid medication. I am not 100 % but pretty close and that is saying a lot. My resting heart rate is still very fast and I will pursue this in the new year. Last doctors visit my doctor said she was hearing a soft 'click' but it was not a reason for a major concern.

I am now counting down to my holidays. Yes indeed folks! It is that time of the year again! Only 20 days until I am off, off, off for two full weeks! Yay! I get to spend two weeks with the two people I love the most. How can I ask for anything more?

Well, I am cold (sitting next to the window) so I am going to crawl into bed and just R-E-L-A-X!

Because of the snow I took two days off this week so I am working from home to catch up. I now look at this pile of filing and I think maybe it wasn't such a good idea! However, we are going to put aside work for tonight and go a light-up festival! Yay!


Update - I am back from the Christmas light-up and working now. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now I don't want to be working. I am cold and want to go have a bath. There are two cats that want to be petted and I just can't ignore them can I? I guess I really shouldn't be blogging eh? OK..back to work!

Another Update- I am finished now and only got distracted once for the above post. I have a nice Hot Chocolate with mini marshmallows and it is warming my hands and tummy! Mmmm. It doesn't get much better than this.