Nikki my blogging friend where are you? I am worried about you sweetie! Pleas email me at insanity_written_in_a_blog@hotmail.com and let me know if you are alright.

Keri, I keep trying to leave comments on your blog but to no avail. Thank you for running for my mom. Every time I read your blog my hope is renewed. Everyone check out her blog. She is a phenomenal woman!

I am sitting here without my glasses so be ready for lots of mistakes. I am colouring my hair so I have to keep my glasses off. I looked at my roots this morning and was quite revolted by the black and gray mess. Ewww. So I sit here and write with 2 bottles of Nice n' Easy 106A in my hair. Incidentally, it bothers me that it takes 2 bottles instead of 1. My hair sucks that stuff up like a sponge.

Right now Girl-N is scratching my back. This child has the best nails for scratching. They are thin and sharp. She scratches my back quite willingly. For every 20 minutes I do hers she does mine for .05 seconds.

And my mom...is still in the hospital, She can't keep anything down yet so she will not be released until tomorrow.

My Dad just called to let me know Mom just came out of surgery. The surgeon is sure it is cancer but he is also confident that he got it all. It had wrapped around her bowel so that is why she has been having problems. She is still asleep but she went in with a really positive attitude. Her bedmate went in for the same thing and did a great job on improving Mom's outlook. She will be needing chemotherapy. He thinks she will be released Tuesday morning.

First of all. Nikki where did you go?! I went to "Every Day Life" and it is gone. Come back to me!

Update on my Mom- She is scheduled for surgery today. The surgeon in Vancouver has seen her and said it is a floating tumour so it likely has not spread.

It was Boy-W's birthday yesterday. He turned 9! I had originally planned to have a birthday party with his friends but it was way too much right now. We went instead to my dad and his wife's house and it was actually lots of fun for the kids. The kids went to the pond on my dad's property and fed ducks with my dad and Kvi. My dad has 5 acres so they explored the property. They came back with rocks and feathers. A treasure to every child. My dad also took them on the tractor which they drove. You should have seen the smiles on their faces. Unfortunately the digital camera is broken so we have to wait for regular pictures. How archaic.

I am pretty exhausted emotionally. The waiting has been so hard. I just want this all to be over and have my mom back home where she belongs but I think that is a long way off. Usually when I am stressed out and upset I call my mom. (sigh)

Update...If the following was posted any other time but this week I would be bouncing off the walls with happiness. I AM very happy but the joy is taken out of it. I found out today I am going to be an Aunt! My sister is going to have a baby! It is her first and this will be my first niece of nephew from my family. I am happy...I really am. I am so happy I could cry.


Since I am tired and do not want to write it all out again so here is the e mail I have sent everyone.
Hi again

A lot has happened since the last update. Mom went to see the specialist Dr. S. (OB/GYN) on Thursday and he sent her to the ER. She was feeling weak and had not been able to keep anything down. It appears now that there is an obstruction in her bowel. It may be that part of the cancer has broken off from her ovary. It may also be just an obstruction from who knows what. We don't know yet. We know, at least we are very sure that there is no cancer in her bowel because she had a colonoscopy recently and nothing showed up. So...there may be cancer on the outside from where a piece has broken off from her ovary but pretty sure it is not on the inside. Yet another good thing.

Because of all this Dr. S. has sent her to Vancouver General Hospital today at 3:30 by ambulance. He feels that she will be able to get better treatment over there. Dad is going with her so will be away for a few days. She had a CT scan this afternoon and that will determine the treatment plan. They may decide to operate right away or may decide to wait until Monday. The doctor thinks she will be there for a couple of weeks. She will likely get chemotherapy there.
Right now she is very tired and just wants to get the operation. Dad is holding up okay but he has not been sleeping.

That is all I know for now. Thank you for all your prayers, words of encouragement and e mails.

Love Barbara

PS-Again, if you have any questions please feel free to call me between 5 - 9.

My mom was back in bed yesterday crying most of the day. I called 2 or 3 times from work and each time she was crying. I stopped by for a short visit yesterday. I wish we could just get the results to all the testing. This not knowing is agony.

Now I need to think of something non-cancer related. I got a new charm for my bracelet. (If you haven't heard about the new charm bracelets go here.) It is a pink butterfly. When my Nana died last May (*whispers* from cancer) I saw a huge Monarch Butterfly while coming into my house after the funeral. I came inside and as friend had e mailed me that every time I see a butterfly I will think of her. (She did not know I saw a the butterfly) How GOD like is that?! I took it as a clear sign of Nana saying "Hi BB!" The name she called me that I have only ever revealed to Girl-N who laughed and laughed when I told her. Anyway, it gave me a tremendous amount of peace. I now have a butterfly mobile in my bedroom where I think about my Nana every night. I tell her I miss her still a lot. I talk with her sometimes too. No...She doesn't answer; not audibly but I hear her loud and clear in my heart. So, added to my charm collection is a wee pink butterfly so I can think of her at work or wherever I am.

PS-I am typing this without my glasses on, in the dark with a cat on in front of the keyboard so I hope this makes sense!

I am feeling better this evening, mostly because I know my mom got out of bed this morning. She went for lunch with a friend. I have been so worried about her. I did break down at work though and got a great big group hug from my co-workers. One also gave me a little angel on my shoulder pin and another a purple flowering plant. Both gave beautiful cards to say they are thinking about me. I am so blessed to work with such fabulous supportive people. Even mean boss has been nice.

E mail to My Mom

"My daughter, my precious child,I love you and I would never leave you.During your times of trial and suffering,when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you"

Mom
I know right now you are angry with God. He knows and understands! You ask how is God carrying you? You are being carried in the arms of each of your family members that love you. You have taught us all about love and support. We now in turn offer it back to you. You are being carried in the arms of your friends. Friends from as far back as you can remember. Friends too that love you dearly. You have always been a wonderful and giving friend. It is reap what you have sown.
Mom
You are strong. You are the one who taught me that! Your faith waivers for a time but I know you will rise above this! You will! You have always been my strength, my light, my courage and my best friend. I will be here for you. Now is the time to be carried...

Love with every ounce of love I have in me,
Barbara

I am tired of being the one to tell everyone. I can't be the strong one in this. Everyone tells me I have to be strong for my mom but I feel like when I was a little girl and I got lost in Sears and couldn't find her. Only a million times worse. I need her. I can't lose her. If she dies most of me will die. I know I will eventully have to lose my mom but I thought it would be when my kids are grown up and they could remember her. This is not fair!! I hate this! She is so scared and I don't know how to help her. How can I be her strength when she has always been my stregthth? How can I be her encourager when she has always been mine?

Today is my birthday. 34 today though I don't feel much like celebrating. Just going to spend a quiet day at home with and the kids. Maybe order Chinese food for dinner.
I still have not been able to contact everyone. As of yet I still have to contact 3 more aunts. I have decided to keep everyone in touch by e mail. I have also set up a page for family at Caring Bridge. (Thanks Kari!)
I feel I will be able to cope enough to go back to work tomorrow. The initial terrifying shock has left and I am just in a state of being hopeful and numb. I want so much for this to be something simple but the fear of worst case scenario looms. On a good note my mom did have an ultrasound 3 years ago and she had a clean bill of heal then so as far as the cancer goes it is less than 3 years old. I am told this is a good thing
It is a beautiful day outside. 6C and not a cloud in the sky. Will try to get out for a walk to the beach today.
You all have a wonderful and relaxing Sunday!

It is strange being the official spokesperson for the family. I have been put in charge of telling people Mom has cancer. All reactions are the same. A moment of silence. Followed by a "On no." I go on to explain what is going on and they try to follow. I explain what she has working in her favour but damn...it is cancer. There is nothing good about it. I try to appear positive and upbeat by my heart betrays me. I tell them she is scheduled for surgery on Thursday. They ask me to keep them updated. I tell them I will let them know by e mail. My excuse is that I just don't have the time with work, the kids and all but the reality is I hate having to tell people and have to pretend everything is ok.
Everyone sends their best wishes. Let them know if we need anything. It is all to surreal.

Just a quick post before bed. Thank you to each and every one of you for your comments. I am overwhelmed by the love and support you have all offered to a stranger. I said to earlier, that yes the world can be a very crappy place but it is my belief that the world is still a wonderful and compassionate place to live. Blessing on each of you.
Here is a site that I just love. I hope you all like it too.
http://positivepause.com/

Update on Angus. He was tested for Feline Leukemia and the tests came back negative. Yay! Here is a recent picture.


Girl-N is doing much better. She is on some heavy duty antibiotics. She still had a low grade fever and is lethargic but is on the mend.

n went to the doctor regarding the chest pain and the diagnosis of an enlarged heart. He has to go back next Thursday for more testing. He is also scheduled for an ultrasound of his heart. On a side note. I love this man so much. He has been so great the last few days. I love you ; more than you know.

I am off to bed now.

A night of terrible dreams. Dreams of losing someone close to you. I have woken up to the realization of serious this is. This is not a small tumour. It is about 8 inches long and 2 inches wide. My physical heart is aching but it is nothing compared to the ache in my soul. Why her? She has never said a mean word to anyone. She is the type of person that stops and talks to old people because she know they are lonely. Everything good that is in me is because of her. She just retired a few months ago. This is supposed to be the best time of her life. I am asking God why but I know there are no answers. I don't want my mom to go through this. I don't want her to lose her hair and lose weight from the treatment. I don't want to watch her die. I love her too much. I need her still!!!!!! I want my kids to know her not just remember this vague picture of a Nana that loved them more than they will ever know. This can't be real. Maybe I will wake up from this nightmare.

My mom had blood tests yesterday and an ultrasound today. The doctor called her in to her office. It was bad news. She has a large growth on one of her ovaries. At least they think it is one of her ovaries. The doctor said she believe it is cancer. (I refuse to capitalize that awful word.) She is scheduled for surgery next Thursday unless they can get her in sooner.
I am not really registering. Boy-W is playing and laughing at Angus. Girl-N is sick on the couch with pneumonia with a fever of 39.5C. Is life supposed to continue on as normal? I pray to God this will not become a journal about Mom's journey battle with cancer. I would say journey but shouldn't a journey be a positive and enlightening experience?
This sort of thing happens to other families. Not ours. We have a close-knit, loving and supportive family. Everyone helps one another and we have always been there for each other. My brother, sister and I get along and often all end up at my mom and dad's on a Sunday afternoon. I don't know what else to say. I am just hoping, praying and believing that the doctor is wrong.

Where do I start this post? I am holding it together well considering...

Yesterday my dad stopped by and told me that the doctor found a large lump in my mom's abdomen. She didn't want him to tell me because she thought I would worry. She had blood work done today and is having an ultrasound tomorrow. It sounds as if they will do surgery on Friday. I am trying not to worry but that "C" word looms. I have always been very close to my mom. She has always been my rock and I can't even think for a moment there may be something wrong with her.

I called from work yesterday to see if he wanted me to pick him up. He told me that he was waiting for a call from the doctor. When I asked him why he said he would talk to me later. I got home and call him and he told me that he had been having chest pains with numbness in his elbow. WHY he didn't go to emergency is beyond me. Anyway, I tell him to go to the E.R. It turns out he did not have a heart attack but he has an enlarged heart. He is going to his doctor tomorrow to get more testing.

Girl-N came home yesterday after school coughing really badly. She was warm to the touch and didn't want to eat her dinner. I decided to keep her home from school because she had a fever of 39C. I made her an appointment with the doctor this afternoon. Since I was working my dad took her. He called me at work to tell me she has pneumonia! Poor little girl is laying on the couch all feverish and coughing away. The doctor said the medication will start to work very quickly. She had RSV when she was 8 weeks old and has always been susceptible to coughs, colds and asthma but has fever had pneumonia before. It came on so quickly! She was fine yesterday morning.

So that is what has happened in the last 24 hours of my life.

A quick post before bed.

Angus woke me up at 5:30 this morning scratching in his litter box. How long does it take to cover your shit cat?

For 15 minutes all I heard was scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

It was very annoying.

What I intended to do today.
1. Help Girl-N work on and finish Canada project.
2. Clean bathroom, kitchen and living room.
3. Go to park to play.
4. Make a delicious roast dinner.

What I actually did.
1. Got stuff together for Canada project. Didn't finish.
2. Cleaned bathroom. Did a few dishes. Never got to living room.
3. Napped.

4.Bathed Angus.

5. Went to Wendy's drive-thru for dinner.

Ah, good intentions. I know I am just burned out from work. I also ran over to visit my mom and dad for a bit. We took Angus who loves the car! I am serious. He sits in the back window or on my lap. ( was driving.) At one point he curled up on my lap and went to sleep. I have always wanted a cat I could take with me in the car.

I am off to do my Sunday ritual of changing my bed sheets and having a hot bath. The boss is not in tomorrow! Yay!

Have a great week everyone and Happy Valentines Day! Kids make great valentines don't they?

Sunday morning. Still in my pajamas. Listening to Enya. Angus sitting on the monitor. He likes to wake up at 6:30 in the morning. I don't. We all know who will be the victor at the Angus wants Barbara to be up at 6:30 in the morning battle. It won't be me.



Much to do today. I am going to make a roast for dinner. There is something so nice and homey about a pot roast for dinner on a Sunday. Potatoes. Peas. Corn. Gravy. Lots of gravy. I also need to clean my messy house. I have no idea how it can have been so clean last Sunday and one short week later it looks like a bomb went off.
I also need to help girl-N work on her Canada project. It is on Toronto. I went there last summer so I have a little C.N. tower to for her to take. She is going to where a Toronto Maple Leafs hat and show different pictures. After that we are going to go out to play at the park. I will try to forget for a little while how much I dislike my boss and how much money I owe. I will have fun. Stay tuned for pictures. I hope you are all having a restful Sunday.

His name is...

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ANGUS

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We decided on Angus. He looks like an Angus. :)

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Angus

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Angus watching me blog.

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Thank you to everyone for your great suggestions! Like one of the bloggers said, a cat will name himself. I took him to the vet today and the vet said there was a chance he may have Feline Leukemia. I know some may not believe in praying for a cat but...pray for Angus! We all love him so much already. He had a bit of red on his gums and that apparently one of the symptoms. I have to get testing done this coming week.

~

Have a great weekend everyone!

Update on New White Cat. He is soooo sweet. He follows me wherever I go. I can't even go to the bathroom without him on my heels. He doesn't meow. He sort of "granzzzz". He doesn't show signs of being cuddly yet but he is curious about everything. He has investigated every closet and under every table and desk. I think a favorite is tramping across my keyboard and turning different applications on and off. Tonight I had a bath and he sat on the edge of the tub and visited with me. Right now he is on the back of the large Lazy-Boy recliner behind me watching me type. We will need to keep an eye on him though. I believe he is enjoying watching the gerbil a little too much. He is still without a name.

Introducing....

New White Cat who needs a name! I have missed Harriet so much. My home has just not been the same without her. I applied to get a new cat but I wasn't ready until today. This cute guy is from SPCA. I wanted to get a kitten but I couldn't do it in good conscience with so many adult cats out there that need a home. As soon as I saw him he came right to the front of his cage to see me. I put my face up to him and he touched his nose with mine! A sure sign of a cat that belongs.
Any suggestions on the name? It MUST be different. No Snowball's or Milky. I took several days to pick Harriet's name and will likely do the same with this guy. Will keep you posted!

Here is another picture. Both pictures are from the SPCA website. I will post more soon.

Today the boss called me into her office. She has never called me into her office before. My thought? I am getting fired. Well I did not get fired. The boss in a round about way told me why she has been acting the way she has. Then she proceeded to tell me a bunch of shit she feels I am doing wrong. Whatever. I can take constructive criticism. When the meeting was over the air had been cleared so to speak. She was very pleasant the rest of the afternoon. I still do not trust her though. Nor will I.

I chatted with a lady today about her job with a community living organization. She works with mentally challenged adults. I would love to be doing this type of work. I am going to look further into how I can go about this.

Thank you to each of you that commented on my blog yesterday. It meant more than you know.

Sunday morning...afternoon. I am still in my pajamas. I slept in very late and now I am sitting in front of my SAD light. Not much on the agenda for today. Need to get a few groceries. I need to phone someone I don't like at all. Don't you hate that? I have this friend (for lack of a better word) that treats me like shit. She is one of those people that is super friendly one day and then ignores you the next. I will say hello to her and she will walk right by me. I do not like playing games so one day I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I started ignoring her. When I saw her I walked right by and didn't acknowledge her. If she said hi first I would respond but wouldn't stop to talk. I used to get so worked up about the fact that she treated me like shit. Now I don't care. I don't like her anyway so I asked myself why I cared so much whether or not she was nice to me or not. I came to the conclusion that I didn't care and it was easier to just ignore her too. I figured since I don't like her why try to get her to like me?

And I thought my kitchen was messy! While surfing the internet I found this picture. Yikes. How does someone let their home get to that point?I have heard the stories on Dateline and Oprah and my heart really does go out to people who who have OCD and hoard.

Anyway..I did have a point. I cleaned my entire place today. Well , almost my entire place. The main living area is clean and tidy so I am happy. Now I need to go flake out in front of the TV. Can anyone recommend any good videos? It is supposed to snow this evening so it a good night to just be warm and cozy in front of the fire. I hope spring comes soon!






The kids and I going for a walk last spring.

My usual days off are Friday and Sunday but once a month I get a long weekend of Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I am so glad it fell this weekend because I sure need it. I was so angry with my boss yesterday that I wanted to quit. My only reason for staying yesterday is I have a super supportive group of co-workers. (And the never end supply of candy that the general manager provides. She rocks!)
Some days I really don't like my job. Other days I am thankful for a job where I get to be off at 4:30 everyday. I like the actual work but my heart is not in it 100%. My heart is in working for a non-profit organization such as ALS or MS Society. My ideal job would be working with physically or mentally challenged adults through Independent Living. I am not saying my job is not gratifying because a lot of days it is. I just want to go home every night and know that I am making a difference.
Ya know...as I write this I am beginning to think I need to get back to taking the steps to reach my goal. I had an employment counselor working for me back in May and she told me that if I needed anything to give her a call. Maybe she knew me well enough (Myers Briggs-ESFP) that I would not be really happy with where I was at. At any rate I am going to e mail her tonight before bed and see what I can do.

It is almost 2:00 a.m. Girl-W is coughing away and I can't get back to sleep. I am so tired! I rarely wake up at this hour and can't fall back asleep. I am off today and so glad!
There was a second attempted abduction attempt in our city yesterday. This scares me! When I was growing up I remember walking to the corner store several kilometers away. We played in the bushes for hours on end and walked to and from school alone. Those days are gone. My kids will never know the privilege of playing Kick the Can with the neighborhood kids after dark while the neighborhood parents have coffee somewhere. My kids will never be able to go to the store alone because they earned some money and want to go blow it on a pop and chips.
Where have we gone wrong in society? I know all to well what fear can do. I know we cannot live fearful about what could happen to our kids but these are realities, not just fears. I hate that there are a very small handful of men out there that have taken away the childhood of millions. I honestly dream about packing up my kids and moving to communal type living.

I stayed home from work today because Boy-W was sick. Usually I have my mom come and watch the kids when they are sick. Today I chose to stay home. I had been up most of the night in the E.R. while the Boy got rehydrated and they took blood work. He seems to be feeling a little better.

I accomplished very little today. I went to the S.P.C.A to look at cats but it just didn't feel right so I left. The kids and I had been chatting about getting another cat because there are SO many cats out there and we have a lot of love to give. I looked at about 50 cats. There was one that did catch my eye but she bit me!

You know when you are a teenager and you can't wait to be an adult? You think how cool it will be and you can do whatever you want? Well this is the reality of the exciting world of being a grown-up. I was so excited when I saw this because I needed one. Now steady yourself before you click on this link. I bought this!

My floor was so grungy. I needed something that could give it a good scrub and this worked. I will now throw out my old mop.

I went to bed early this evening and awoke around 11:30 to Girl-N in my bed. She apparently was missing Nana (her Great-grandmother) and decided to come into bed with me.

I will tell you our family history on the family bed. When Boy-W was born I never allowed him to sleep with me. I nursed him in my bed but he went promptly back into his bassinet or crib. I was an advocate against the family bed.
When Girl-N was born she contracted RSV. She rushed to emergency 3 times because she couldn't breathe, before being admitted to the hospital. She was in an oxygen tent for a week before discharged from hospital. She continued with physiotherapy for 2 months. Everyday I had to take her up to the hospital and watched her scream while a physiotherapist pounded her wee chest. When I put her down at night she would start coughing. Sometimes it was this little tiny quiet choking sound. I would never have heard it in a different room. So in my bed she came. She was sick for a good year after and just never left the co-sleeping environment.

I do not know which way is right. I think every family situation is unique. I do know that while my son can be quiet and insecure my daughter is outgoing and confident. Does it have to do with sleeping arrangements? I am not sure. I just know I love the family bed and would never have it any different. (Boy-W thinks so too because he can be found many a night curled up beside me.)

What is your opinion of the family bed?